I couldn’t finish that last entry - too much of nothing going on so I guess it will have to wait. Oh but wait… That’s not exactly it. What’s true is I’ll get to that eventually but, for now, I simply have no desire to revisit certain memories. I know just how taxing it is to go there. It’s seven days away from my birthday and I’m in a very good space. I feel strengthened, physically and mentally. I feel great in the skin I’m in. I finally feel rested. The drastic energetic shifts brought along by the last mercury retrograde were experienced very strongly. I was drained, uninspired and foggy. I was ruminating quite a bit too, feeling dragged down and stormy inside. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since it ended - clarity has taken hold. It’s been such a heavy past couple of months. The more (hyper) sensitive I become to energies, the more I am incentivized to swirl down the rabbit role of extensive research and the more educated I come out on the other side about how my brain and body operate. To better understand is always the goal, which usually comes to pass. However, each quest generates a plethora of new questions for me to think about. It’s an endless game I love to play but it can also be exhausting. Sometimes I’ve got to take a break from overthinking or “doing the work” - inner work that is. Sometimes I just need to do nothing at all but breathe. I’ve learned that it’s perfectly acceptable to leave some questions unanswered. There’s truly no need to have it all neatly sorted out when there’s also intuition to rely upon. Not that I, or anyone for that matter, could ever come close to figuring it all out but some try. Anyhow, it’s about time for a gratitude post. I’ve held this entry in the back of my mind for a few days now with the intention to write it down but my attention kept on being diverted towards other things. It only caused me to amend the list by mentally adding more of the things I’ve been thankful for lately. Listening to Cranes in the sky during lunch yesterday, I was marveling at Solange’s impressive multi-tracked vocals and triumphant melancholia as my heart filled with gratitude. Some perceive this song as a meditation to alienation, addiction, and emptiness. Some argue that it is one of the gentlest, most painfully poignant songs ever written in the history of contemporary pop music. I couldn’t agree more. It’s an ode to all of the distraction one latches onto in one’s vain attempt to numb the dull ache inside of oneself and escape the harsh aspect of one’s reality, if only for a moment. At times we do it consciously. More often than not though, the subconscious mind is in the driver seat, taking us for a ride. Still, Cranes in the sky puts things into perspective, peace of mind being the terminus - at least in my experience. This song, to me, is an echo to the importance of persevering and the glory in giving ourself the time and space to heal. In my opinion, the record’s underlying thread finds its root in self acceptance and self appreciation - it’s where it ultimately leads. A seat at the table is a prized jewel which acknowledges the complexity of the black woman’s growing pains with much grace, like few have done it before. Although it exudes romance and feels much like a slow caress moving across my back, I don’t believe its inherent softness romanticizes pain. It doesn’t dwell in it either. Sure, pain is felt deep in the listener’s guts, but relief is simultaneously provided by the messaging. There’s heightened faith in black people’s remarkable ability to persist in elevating themselves and their community no matter the circumstances. Solange is a treasure of an artist who revels in blackness, cold truth, and warm healing. Both her and her sister have helped me name and process my feelings to the rhythm of their drums. Both are highly introspective visionary and iconic divine feminine in their own rights. I have immense respect for their integrity as artists and could thank neither of them enough for their contribution to Black culture worldwide. They have provided nourishment for my soul. In that sense, artists have done more for me than most lovers and friends I’ve had in this life - real talk. Generally speaking I am so very grateful for artists who lay it all out and genuinely hold space for other people’s emotional healing by simply daring to be boldly and authentically themselves, championing truth and embracing vulnerability with open arms. I think, like Alex Grey, that the primary purpose of art is to heal. If the intention to trigger a response, to reveal, to magnify, to question, to immortalize, to reframe, to denounce, to nurture, to celebrate or to enlighten isn’t there, you probably shouldn’t have any business calling it art… That’s what I think. Talking about artists with unprecedented levels of integrity; I went to see 070 Shake’s opening show at El Rey theater for the series of Los Angeles performances she’s currently doing as part of her 2022 You can’t kill me  tour. The last show is tonight in case you want to catch her magic live. I believe it’s sold out but it’s certainly worth trying to score tickets for it may very well be your last chance to catch her in an intimate setting before she starts filling up stadiums. I give her two years tops to headline The Forum or Crypto arena. I’m not kidding - she’s an otherworldly creature who has made a great impression on me. Her rise to stardom is going to be astronomical - she’s a rocket about to be deployed to space. Well, I have to say, my favorite rapper at this time is this 24 years old woman. I’m very pleased to report it. Dani Moon is what you may (rightfully) call a young prodigy. She’s been on heavy rotation for months now and I just can’t seem to get enough of her potent elixir. In this case, I have my ex spouse to thank for putting me on to her, as well as Massive Attack. Life changing discoveries! Along with a handful of other stellar musicians such as Cleo Sol, Tierra Whack, SZA, Okay Kaya, Little Simz, James Blake, Jhene Aiko and Travis Scott, her sound has gotten me up and out of the trenches of my nasty divorce. She’s got an extraordinary talent for unearthing saturated mixtures of convoluted emotions through gripping melodies, inviting you into the darkest rooms of her mind to then guide you back towards the light of self awareness and unconditional love. I really connected with her music over the past year or so. The bond is of spiritual nature at this point. I mean, the girl is on another level and quite literally speaks for me. Her entire repertoire is now classic material in my eyes and my musical landscape wouldn’t be complete without it. I feel she’s probably too meta for the massed, but I think she has tapped into the gamut of emotions that are most tangible to gen Z earthlings. She has risen as a sort of elemental hood prophet for the youth and it’s quite obvious to see that she’s well on track to become the next rap superstar. The greats have awakened to her potential which is why she’s such a hot commodity for features - they all want a piece of Dani Moon. The greats have recognized that she’s onto something - a magnetic force and a leading voice helping to define the new wave of Hip Hop. Her sonic universe and overall aesthetic is just so fascinating to me. She has definitely taken a few pages from Cudi’s book. She’s so damn raw with it. So transparent. So sincere. So fearlessly unapologetic. The quality of her relationship with her craft speaks to me on a core level. Anything other than radical honesty lacks resonance. I don’t want it. I don’t want pretenders. Show your pain. Own your crap. Be exactly as you are. Lead with heart. Surface level does nothing for me. Despite her young age, she touches on universal emotional cords that encapsulate deep layers. It feels chaotic at times, due in part to the wide range of emotions mixed in, but I respect and appreciate that she honors them all. I can relate to that, especially at this time of my life. Some of these feelings are particularly difficult to describe but she somehow evokes them effortlessly. Not only are her tracks produced really well, she is also very skilled at emoting. It never comes across as well rehearsed and performative. Instead, it seems to be stemming from a place of intimate inner standing and personal experience. The steady use of synths contribute to the ethereal aspect of her body of work - a dance between nightmares and dreams. If you’re going to deep dive, prepare for a voyage into the confines of your soul; she really goes in there with the intent to excavate and leaves no emotional stone unturned. She’s a beast! I had bought tickets when it was first announced, not knowing who I’d be taking with me. I had planned to resell the second ticket and attend the show alone in case I found no suitable +1 as I’d much rather be in my own company for an experience like this one than being followed around by someone I merely tolerate. I got the tickets because I just knew I had to go. I introduced S to 070 Shake soon after we met and he immediately grew fond of her style. We ended up going to the show together and it was better than anticipated. She creatively maximized her resources to make a low budget production pass as a grand spectacle. Nothing wild. Just a great use of lighting, excellent stage presence and an impeccable play with harmonies - she never misses. I’m seriously crushing on Dani Moon but that’s not surprising to me; I fall in love with anyone and anything that bares soul. I’m feeling grateful for a whole lot of things in the present moment. I haven’t yet gotten any attendee for the support group I’m set to be hosting but I’ve received a few direct messages from ladies looking to connect. To be completely honest, I think I’m glad it’s taking longer to grow solid roots. I wasn’t quite prepared to step into that role - too much was happening internally and I had to navigate that ahead of anything else. Energies and timelines are shifting fast though. It feels different now. The house is looking quite nice. I may not entirely be ready but my space is definitely primed for hosting with just a few minor things left to upgrade. I still can’t believe I landed this place and almost walked away from it after months of trying all I could to secure the right spot. There is hardly a better fit for me in this town; the universe handed me the perfect spot to rebuild! I spend time lounging in each and every room in here. Whether it is my bedroom, the den / study room, our kitchen, the dining area, the living room, or the front yard - you name it, I’m hanging there. Not one area of the house feels unwelcoming to me or neglected by me. I occupy the entire layout and find bliss in every corner. Having spent significant time alone here with the dogs, I’ve developed an acute sense of space and can easily pinpoint where any and all things are located inside the property. I’ve taken my time organizing every single drawer and every single shelf, ridding myself of what was no longer needed, so my visual memory is on lock. With detailed instructions, I could pretty much send anyone in to retrieve anything I needed in case of an emergency or any situation in which I wasn’t able to physically access the space myself. It’s great to exercise control over one’s domain by way of mastering order. Being rigorously organized has always been an asset to me and the work I’ve put into putting everything together shows. It brings me satisfaction and calm. This week I adopted a couple of new plants. One is a six feet tall dracaena marginata, otherwise known as a Madagascar dragon tree. I have a younger dragon trees which has taken a severe beating due to Rio’s tornado like zoomies all over house. He jumps on and off the sofa like a mad man when he gets excited and that particular plant has suffered great damage because of it. It first started with one of its three heads accidentally being snipped off. My fault for thinking it was sound to continue placing the tree near the sofa despite having been decapitated by Rio’s karate chops. I liked it there and was being stubborn but I’ve learned my lesson. As of right now, there is one head left standing - the plant itself is hanging by a thread. I capitulated by relocating it somewhere else but, sadly, it is probably too late. The other recent addition to the plant gang is a beautiful monstera. Not the first, but it’s probably the best looking right now. It’s incredibly healthy and is now facing its big sister plant in the living room, framing the fireplace beautifully. It’s starting to look a lot greener in here and I’m ecstatic about it. Lots of new growths - all plants seem to be thriving. That’s probably because the ambient temperature is ideal in the living area. It’s nice and bright inside but the light isn’t harsh; it stays relatively cool as there is no direct exposure to the sun. From the front door to the kitchen, the air flow is amazing. I tend to leave both doors open during the day and burn incense any chance I get with the aim to clear out stagnant energy. I’m so comfortable at home that I hardly want to go anywhere. Honestly, I’m so grateful to call this place home - it is my refuge. I spent my last on these plants… Call it reckless if you want; I call that self care. Per usual, I have no regrets. Purchasing plants is no different to me than buying groceries, books or essentials. Like I often say, it’s more so the plants taking care of me than me taking care of the plants. I consider it an early birthday treat from me to the house and therefore myself for the house is but an extension of me. Anyhow, I’ve been staring at these plants ever since. I suppose it’s better than looking at my bank account which is just about to run out of digits. Being under financial constraints is more manageable for me when surrounded by beauty of all kinds; order and beauty make it much easier for me to meditate and gain clarity as. I spend a lot of my time outside doing just that. Having an outdoor space is in my opinion the ultimate perk of this house and a luxury in itself. I sure make it a point to utilize it. I enjoying caring for it. The beauty isn’t just in material comfort and thoughtfully curated interior, it is also in the dirt, the rocks, the bark and the leaves growing outside. Per our agreement, the unit’s owners were supposed to grow real grass in the shaded portion of the front yard. It took months to witness any action taken on their part but I finally got them to follow through with it. It’s been roughly two weeks since the gardener has prepared the ground and sowed the seeds. I step outside first thing in the morning to hang with the pups and check the lawn. I get too excited about the daily progress - it’s growing and it’s growing fast. V and I trip about it a lot. We bought bistrot lights that we plan on setting up below the canopy. It will soon transform into the most perfect setting for al fresco dinners; simply gorgeous, with all the beautiful plants surrounding the perimeter. I’ve got a couple large ones lined up to the join the crew and seal the left end corner. One is a giant areca palm and the other is a big weeping fig - both are about 8 feet tall. I’ve been tight financially but one thing I haven’t compromised on is my quality of life. Outdoor access and indoor plants of course fall under that umbrella, but another thing that is now a non negotiable for me is good quality food and beverages. I’ve been relying on Amazon fresh deliveries to supply me with the best stuff for myself and the pup. Rio has been licking his paws and Maya has been scratching herself a lot despite regular baths. I’ve put them both on a pro-biotic regimen and feed them a chewy treat on their way to using the bathroom every morning. They love it. It might be too soon to declare the Pet Lab formula effective but I’ve been monitoring their behavior to see if there is long term improvement. I’ll have to follow up on that in a couple of months. They’re both in great shape though. They shower me with love. I couldn’t be more blessed. They love it when we run out of dog food because I end up cooking meals for them using human grade food. They only get to snack here and there otherwise - I’m not as lenient as I used to be. That doesn’t stop Rio though. He steals food from the kitchen counter any chance he gets. He got me good a few times! The wonderful thing about having less money to throw away is that I’m cooking a lot more these day. I made a large pot of creamy chicken adobo last night. Since V is vegetarian, I couldn’t offer it to him. It was so delectable that I ended up eating most of it in one sitting. Large chunks of garlic were so soft that they would melt over the rice like dollops of cream. It was just the right amount of fresh herbs and spices swimming in a fragrant yellow broth. I had the last piece for lunch today and it was freaking delicious. V had cooked some okra  so I had it as a side dish. I can’t express just how much I love okra… Dear lord. There really couldn’t have been a better complement to my eating experience. V is an excellent cook and what’s even better than that is that he loves to share his creations. His eyes light up when he talks about food, patiently listing all ingredients and their provenance. I’ve been learning a lot about about the richness of Indian cuisine and the nuances that characterize each region. It turns out that we are generally limited to experiencing a homogeneous Americanized version of Indian cuisine, here in the US, one which hails mostly from the northern part of India and isn’t representative of other region’s intrinsic gastronomic value and countless specialties. V is from the south. I discovered that sambar, which I had never tasted before, as well as these odd green vegetables called drumsticks that I never knew about make up one of my top three favorites Indian dishes. Likewise, paratha is now my absolute favorite kind of flatbread all across the board - ahead of pita, naan, or corn tortillas! I top mine with just a little melted butter, fresh cilantro and sea salt. It’s hands down some of the best carb loaded thing I’ve ever eaten. V & I catch up daily and have grown closer because of our smoking, dining, and hiking rituals. He is a savvy day trader and kind of an IT genius with an interest in occult sciences. He seems eager to gain a better understanding of things like astrology, geology, visual art and sound therapy. I talk to him about metaphysics and psychedelics. We share experiences with a fair amount of mutual roasting. He teaches me the fundamentals of trading and demands that I be his test subject whenever he whips up something new in the kitchen. We look out for one another. Like me, V is free handed and volunteers to help. He is pretty straightforward and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. We are both active listeners and we both make it a point to speak with clarity hence communication between us is truly great. He mirrors my energy so well that it all flows with ease. No tension or misunderstanding of any kind -  sharing space has been a delight. We shop for groceries and medicinal together. We either split things down the middle or one covers it this time and the other gets it the next - the energetic balanced is usually preserved no matter the scenario. He buys supplies for the house on his own accord and stays on top of things. He showed me how to use the hookah kit he recently purchased and leaves it out for anyone to use. He cooks and systematically cleans after himself. He also keeps an eye on the pups when I’m out for the night or grabbing furniture. Rio used to lash out and chew up everything he could find when I left the dogs home alone to go run some errands, shortly after being reunited with them. It’s been good to be able to leave without feeling so anxious about them doing alright. Having V here has certainly helped wean Rio and Maya off of my presence. Some things are still left to fix from the damage Rio has done on three of the interior doors but I patched up the front door the best I could for now, which was the worst of it, and it’s practically invisible. My bedroom door is another story. Ri unleashed his dragon on that one but I no longer see it when I open the door so it’s not insufferable - yet. Other than that they’ve been awesome. They are arguably the coolest dogs I’ve ever known - I can’t complain. They are sweet as ever and goofy as hell, cracking me p all day long with their shenanigans. They both love to clock as much cuddle time as possible. Even Ri who used to be rather protective of his personal space can’t seem to get enough snuggles these days. He acts independent but he is such a big darling baby. I love them both to pieces. Maya doesn’t care to act tough. She’ll literally throw a vocal tantrum if I don’t give her the prescribed amount of quality time she requires daily. They are my Sun and Moon, this pair of wild coyotes. Ri is starting to give Maya a run for her money at wrestling. I basically start my day playing with the dogs in the yard, drinking water and checking emails. If I’m in the mood I roll up a joint and journal for a bit. The dogs and I have lots of fun together - they keep me active. Rio is too smart for his own good though. He persists in breaking out of the yard. He met a friend across the street, about the same age as him, and it was love at first sight. Maya was lowkey butt hurt by the flying sparks fly. She really didn’t appreciate being the third wheel but their intense chemistry left virtually no room for her to insert herself in their dynamic. I was actually told by another neighbor that Rio was seen walking up to his friend’s porch to try and visit her but given that the mission failed and he couldn’t get it, he just kept on going. Thank goodness the neighborhood is secure and the folks around here are friendly. I got Rio back safely each time. That said, I’m not going to press my luck by playing with these odds. I’ve spotted the last hole that needs to be sealed so he won’t be taking himself out for walks anymore. One thing after another, it’s all getting taken care of. l still got some debts to clear but I’m trusting that will work itself out sooner than later. Not being able to wipe the slate clean and focus on building a saving account has been stressing me out but I’m trying my best to not pull my hair out over something I can’t control. It’s a waiting game; traction will develop. Seeds have already been planted. All I can do is work on possible ways to increase my visibility and improve my formula - if necessary. It needs time to germinate but the work is already done. One thing I’ll say though is that my quality of life has not been compromised. I make sacrifices everyday based on a wants versus needs screening method but I’ve been able to make it work up to this point without feeling too burdened. My body is growing more fleshy and voluptuous as a result of all the stuff I’ve been feeding it and I am more and more in love with myself. Knowing there was a point in time when my stomach couldn’t process food due to chronic stress, having no beef  with my digestive system is wonderful. For a whole year I couldn’t keep any weight on and had become a shadow of myself. Back then, everything hurt. It was hell. I feel so good in this body in the present moment, I catch myself gripping my own ass when I walk - try it, it’s nice! By the way, I finally mustered up the courage to post my first real. Well, not really the first ever - that one was of my newest monstera leaf right before it unfurled. It is the first real of myself though. Naturally, I’m naked. It’s almost scary to think of just how unafraid I am to show my unadulterated self to the world. No clothes. No makeup. No mask. Making reels is going to be fun for content creation. I’ve probably spent more than I should on weed but in my want vs need chart weed is currently labeled as a need so I do what I have to do to budget for it. I just got to stretch things out a bit longer until I can manifest this new stream of income into my life. I know I’ll derive great satisfaction and rewards from the work put into it. It’s something I love and know I can be successful at. I actually encountered my first lead two days ago. A rep for a large non profit got in touch with me regarding a project. My setup was considered as a back up plan in case the original one fell through but I got an opportunity to issue her a quote and build rapport. She described the project to me along with some point of references and said she’d keep me in mind for subsequent ones. It’s good to know that something is happening. Like I said, the work is done so I’ve got to demonstrate patience until it’s time for harvest. I’ve played my part when it comes to laying the foundation for something to grow. It’s time for me to regroup and put my energy into some of the many other things I could be doing in the meantime. I’m proud of the relationship I now cultivate with myself. I can’t emphasize this enough: the more I understand and accept myself, the more I love myself and - coincidentally - the more patience I have for myself. I’m grateful for people who are compassionate, vulnerable and brave enough to go through this shadow integration process openly. Indya Moore posted a sort of open letter recently about the mess that comes with healing in public despite the power that it holds and her words made me feel a lot less alienated in my current posture. Overall, I’m grateful for the people who are entering my life equipped with similar mindset and aspirations, or simply have the desire to fully support and embrace one another. Kindred spirits like Z, A, J, V, of S are godsends. It’s been lovely. My bank account isn’t loaded right now but I’ve got everything I need and then some. I’m at peace and eager to celebrate my solar return in a special way this year. I’m so very proud of how far I’ve come. Above all, I’m grateful for my tenacity, my faith in Spirit and my resourcefulness - this lemonade turned out alright. It’s been real. It’s been challenging. It’s been excruciatingly painful…  But look at me now, I’m so very blessed. No void to fill. I sleep, eat, and smoke good. I am surrounded with positive uplifting energies. I haven’t been all that inspired to paint but that’s okay. I’m not beating myself over it because I cannot stop moving my body and have been enamored with the art of dance. Most times, I have no clue what I’m doing but I just want to do it - the fun is in exploring. I feel so alive. I’m so grateful for the journey. Thank you Gaia. Please allow me to experience more. Please allow me to do be more, to expand, to live fully… Thank you, more please! It’s all been worth it so far; in Her I trust. Lastly, I’m grateful for my nephew’s good health. I’m not sure when and if I’ll be able to meet him but I ask Spirit, my dearest angels, beloved ancestors and ascended masters to look after him and shield him from any harm.

#ThankYouMorePlease #AndSoItIs #SoVeryGrateful #DivinelyGuided #DivinelyProtected #WantsVersusNeeds #HighestSelf #RadicalHonesty #HealingJourney #ArtIsLife #LifeIsArt #Journaling #Gardening #Dancing #Reading #Sleeping #Cooking #Learning #Practicing #Mastering #Alignment #Amen