Out of fuel.

Lately I’ve been very much up here, in my head, levitating over and contemplating my own continuance. My mind won’t let me rest - it won’t stop racing. From the moment I wake to the moment I fall in the arms of Morpheus I’m reviewing things in my head; habits, goals, memories, situations, relationships, outcomes, projections and so on. Being everything that I am, a super empath and often socially awkward sigma INFJ who used to run away from her feelings but now fully embraces them, a gemini sun and virgo moon hence a doubly mercurial and robustly dual air + earth combo whose got her feet on the ground but her head in the clouds with trouble finding a compromise between devoting to something and not desiring any sort of interaction with it, a rapid interhemispheric switching sentient being (equally right & left brain user) with a neurodivergent brain (one that processes information and behave in a way that differs from the actual or perceived norms), a plethora of unrealized dreams and ever shifting interests, potential dyslexia and most certain undiagnosed ADHD, on top of being an exceptionally domesticated yet partly feral and innately wild (untamed) medicine (born to be a vessel for healing and breathing life into things) consciously aware woman who is being called back to her roots and for whom self inquiry, self critique, self knowledge and self understanding are an inescapable life quest, it is nothing new. I’m prone to dissecting things, over and over and over again, until a satisfying resolution is obtained or a better understanding of its mechanism is revealed. Since my mind tends to ruminate over past events, practicing prompting the mind to embrace stillness and seeking comfort in letting go have been crucial in helping me to navigate my emotions. Mediation, journaling and movement have been key when it comes to self regulation and self maintenance but lately I feel that Spirit has been trying to point things out to me whereas my channels have been blocked. My channels have been blocked because I’ve failed to keep them open. I’ve been drowning in earthly concerns and distractions which have made it difficult for me to tune in and receive the clarity and guidance I’ve been needing to proceed confidently. I have spent lots of time sourcing furniture. I have spent time formulating responses I have not sent out to their designated recipients. I have spent time planning things I’ve kept on delaying for one reason or another. I’ve procrastinated quite a bit. I procrastinate a lot - I always have. Although the habit has proven to be costly, I’ve always managed to get by on my own time. However, from where I stand, it seems too slow for my own liking. I need to set up mechanisms that allow me to bypass these traps. My imposter syndrome tells me I need to have it all figure out ahead of time. It tells me that I need to anticipate every aspect of the process in my head, and God forbid it isn’t perfectly executed. In that case, I may as well not do it at all is what I hear. What ifs are what I hear. I’m wise enough to know it’s not my highest self chatting me up. My free spirit urges me to leap and not worry too much about minute details. But how? I’m detailed oriented and perfectionism is consistently trying to blow up my attempts to get things done. If I can’t get it right after say… The third time? I if I fail to master something fast my hyper critical / perfectionist mind turns against me, urging me to quit. Maybe it’s not for you is what I hear. In between plotting, visualizing the process, learning about it, and going for it, I often freeze. I sit here hoping I’ll soon have the energy to follow through with the million things I want to accomplish after I’m done completing the things I must do to survive. Although the French consulate is in my neighborhood, I still haven’t renewed my passport. I haven’t yet finished updating my website. I haven’t yet walked to UCLA village. I feel I need rest - all of the time. I feel there is never enough time in a day. My back has been radiating with pain for a while now. It is always hurting. I am not sure whether something is going with my back or if these pain bodies are related to blockages in my upper chakras. I think the latter is more likely to be the case as I’ve experienced it before. On one hand, I’ve been moving quite a lot of furniture and haven’t been stretching at all. On the other hand, my sleep posture has been causing my neck to hurt. It makes slouching easier than straightening my spine which, of course, contributes to the worsening of my back ache. I’ve learned from experience that a temporary fix only yields temporary relief which renders the problem more difficult to deal with when time has come to stop kicking the can down the road. I smoke to numb the pain, but smoking isn’t a cure. It only alleviate my symptoms. Besides, the side effects of heavily relying upon smoking are not worth it to me. Self love begets strong discipline. I’m currently in the process of learning how to seamlessly do all of the hard things at once without constantly feeling drained. I’m consistently purging, ridding my self of what keeps me stuck or stand in the way of who I’m becoming. I don’t experience frequents headaches anymore though so I’d say that some things are better than others. During my reiki healing session with R on Sunday I noticed that my life force wasn’t flowing freely through my body. I could feel it my energy very strongly below my mid-section. The closer my practitioner got to my legs and feet and the more intense the sensations were. My feet felt warm and were pulsing each time she drew near to them. Strangely enough, only when I felt heat and tingling vibrations could I relax into my being. A vortex of energy seemed to have opened up beneath my heels. I felt nothing of the sort when she was working on my upper chakras. The energy wasn’t coming through. I described my experiences that to gain insights from her. It left me feeling puzzled, as if I was given a clue as to why I’ve had this growing sense of being out of balance lately. R is a newer practitioner who seems rather cautious about her interpretations of treatments. She more or less held space for me to talk it out on my own and what I intuitively sensed is that my reiki experience was confirmation of what I had been feeling in recent weeks. My root and sacral chakras were more active / receptive than my upper body chakras. I haven’t been dancing. I haven’t been painting. I haven’t been reading much or studying my topics of interests. I feel I have been sucked into survival mode all over again, hustling to find and flip furniture. I’ve been too focused on getting by and came out of alignment as a result of it, priming my mental space for malaise and doubts to seep in. It mirrored the feelings I experienced when R was close to my face, neck and chest areas; her close proximity to my head and chest immediately triggered a fight or flight response. My heart was pounding and my muscles would tense up. I was easily startled and felt particularly vulnerable when she was working on those regions of my energetic field - I couldn’t relax. It was odd but equally enlightening. It was not at all what I expected to happen but it put things in perspective for me and gave me a clearer picture of what my body was signaling to me. I have felt these blockages manifesting in more ways than one. I have felt the exhaustion and disconnection that have resulted from it. Moral of the story: yes - the body keeps the score even when we think we aren’t and yes - it will definitely reveal what needs fine tuning. In a way, the body is an emotional roadmap. I may not always understand why I’m feeling a certain way, but if I play close attention and get curious about seemingly strange manifestations, the answers come to me. Everything is connected: the mind, body and Spirit are always communicating with one another. It is a remarkably intelligent system that utilizes all it is given to perform self regulation and attempt self regeneration. Now the question is - have I given it what it needs to perform at its best? Lately, I haven’t. On the thematic of dichotomy and being able to hold it, it occurred to me that just days ago I equated July with my most challenging month so far this year, but as of Monday, it has turned into my most profitable month of the year. Isn’t it funny how the tides can turn on a whim? Just when you think you’re out of luck and time, the seeds that have been sown begin to sprouts allowing things to fall into place. My lesson on patience runs on an infinite thread - I just keep on learning it from experience, one trial after another. Each day I pledge to surrender my will to the universe for the sake of my highest purpose, trusting that I am being restored back to health and guided towards manifesting the lives that I envision for myself, my family and my community. I wish to serve the collective by way of exploiting my talents and I ask my ancestors to nourish my vision and strengthen my body so that I can indeed perform at higher level and, by the same token, condition myself for more fluid alternations between beast mode and rest mode. July was successful in terms of sales, but at what cost? I’ve had a really hard time seeing things through without getting overwhelmed. I constantly feel burnt out. Yes, it’s a problem. I’m feeling burnt out too often. I’m perpetually tired and sore. Neglecting my practices have tipped me out of alignment. I haven’t felt rested from sleeping. I stay up too late at times although I know I must wake early. Do that a few nights a week when you’re over thirty years old and watch just how quickly you start to fumble. Proper sleep is paramount. Making sure I get enough rest, nutritious food and regular movement is how I honor my vessel. I haven’t done any of that lately. I’ve struggled to eat larger quantities of what I know I need as opposed to larger quantities of what I I think I want simply because it taste good. Sugar and excuses for not sticking to my flow have been great disruptors. I noticed in parallel that my screen time has dramatically increased over the past week or so. I know this can’t be good either. In fact, it hasn’t been. I find that there is a direct correlation between more screen time, more triggering thoughts, more powerlessness and lesser productivity. Hustling like crazy and constantly being in search of my next great find simultaneously gives me more opportunities than I could justify to plug myself into the universe of social media where I find it so easy to get lost in over consumption of content. Even if it’s quality content, it’s not good enough to be stealing that much of my time. I have been feeling inspired but unmotivated to take action. I haven’t been meditating much which has resulted in me feeling less grounded. My mind has been on a mission to overrun me as I perpetually seek to find resolutions in my head for things I thought I had let go of. It seems I have to let it go a little more each day in some  sort of interminable grieving process that leaves me dizzy on occasion. This brain needs closure so that I can close cases. This brain is both my biggest asset and my biggest obstacle to surmount. Balance, freedom and self love are achieved through and sustained with discipline. How do I avoid neglecting time with myself or my dogs, while optimizing performance, maintaining regular movement activities and a clean diet fir higher vibrations and energy levels? How do I allocate more time for the deepening of my spiritual practices and prioritize learning while also maximizing time for wellness and rest, ensuring that I step out in nature, ensuring that I continue to engage in creative endeavors, ensuring that I capitalize on sleep, ensuring that I stay on track with my goals and processes, ensuring that I commit myself to doing the work, ensuring that I integrate and manifest in this dimension rather than fixating on my escapes to higher realms of consciousness - how do I do all of the above without feeling burnt out? It is clear to me now that I need a very strict  compartmentalized routine in which I keep tasks on rotation so that I can do more without losing focus or interest. I need a strict daily regimen breaking down tasks hour to hour. I have never been a fan or rigidity, but knowing what I’m working with and noting just how easily I come to feel off balances, I understand that the best gift I could offer myself at this stage of my life is the gift of pristine discipline. It is the  surest way to outsmart my brain and get it to serve my best interests. From a financial standpoint, I am not stressed about next month. I’m on track to meet my goals and can breathe a little. However, if I am to keep up the pace, I am in crucial need of better time management.  I have come up with a schedule which I feel will help me to get everything done without spreading myself too thin. It gives as much weight to rest, reprogramming and creative pursuits as it does to generating income and advancing my career by way of learning and creating opportunities for myself. My intentions are set on making space for all that needs to transform. I am incentivized to consciously curate my thoughts and my schedule in the same way that I curate my physical and virtual space. It’s like feeling the urge to remove all dead skin and impurities so that my pores can breathe and my face can glow. Every once in a while, a steam and deeply cleansing facial is in order. That’s how I feel about life right now. I need space to grow and shed skin. I need space where I feel free to express, demonstrate, experiment, learn, educate, win, fail, try again and evolve. 

In all states.

It’s perfectly okay for my process to be seen. Making mistakes in front of an audience no longer terrifies me. I’m learning and unlearning daily and for others to watch me grow and evolve is totally fine by me. It’s one of the ways I get to serve, not only myself but those who come in contact with my energy field for it’s not only I who get to learn from my mistakes - others can too. My mission as a human being and artist is to seek the light within and cast it upon the world that I step in. I’m here to face my fears and surrender them to faith in the name of love and acceptance for all that is. I’m here to draw contrast and expand in whichever direction I please and I can change my mind and route as many times as I desire - it’s all up to me. This gift of devotion and conscious decision is one I choose to offer myself as I my part to align with my highest self. In this quest, I feel it’s perfectly okay for others to witness my journey. Self liberation is the destination and I’ve made a my vow to preserve my integrity by way of radical honesty, no matter how strange it may feel. What’s important is that I get to feel it in the way that I can feel now. Vulnerability is a superpower when coupled with awareness. It’s been a bumpy ride but lately life has taken a turn for the better. I’m not embarrassed by my mistakes. For the sake of this conversation let’s refer to them that way; perceived mistakes. I fall. I fumble. I bend. However, I refuse to remain stuck. Although it may be experienced or interpreted as stagnancy or contraction, I’m perpetually in a state of flow. I am in an uninterrupted state of becoming. I authentically strive to illuminate each and every part of me for even when I think I’ve kissed enlightenment, I kiss it again, and again, and again… This process of remembrance, confirmation, reframing, reintegration and sustained practice is not meant to end. Quite frankly, I would’n want it to. It makes every bit of life worth living. I’m no longer waiting for the perfect timing to leap. I trust. I know what is mean to be is done for if I stay in alignment with my soul’s core values and life purpose I will inevitably be nudged to relentlessly pursue that which I am meant to learn, practice and deliver in this life. From where I stand and what I’ve experienced through my earthly passage, my intuition has never failed me - I have failed it. Learning to trust it as my compass has radically transformed my life. I’m not running away from joy and fulfillment for the sake of showing up as my “perfect self”; the time is now. I show up how I show up. I reach for it even when I’m unsure of the best way to get to where I need to go. I trust in my intuition to guide and redirect me towards my path if ever I stray - the obstacles are the way. I now understand that far more is lost in indecision than in trials and errors. Life is too short to be crippled by the fear of failure or judgement. I will love and support me in each and every state even if that makes other people uncomfortable. A commitment to anything begins with a commitment to self. On your journey, please remember that the ideas projected onto you by those who surround you is have little to do with you. More often than on, it serves to reveal the characteristics of the lens through which other people around you perceive their world. In mine, sentient beings are infinite beings with the inherent right to shed self imposed limitations and reinvent themselves as many times as they see fit. There are no such things as mistakes, only opportunities to learn. I have pledged to be a student and a steward of the collective during this intense phase of planetary reprogramming, healing and global ascension. I am in the business of self expression, determined to be a vessel for cathartic evolution and liberation. I seek to emancipate my mind from preconceived notions. I am here to speak my truth through silence and noise, sounds, textures, scents and colors, including ones that weren’t spotted before. I speak my mind with ease, openness and resolve. I own the complexities and perpetual shifts of my being. I get to be me and I am so okay with that - I am so on board with that! I’d rather meet my expiration and go extinct than fail at being someone I am not. I’ve been there. I’ve gagged and tamed myself. I’ve been there and it’s not worth going back. I am no longer shrinking myself. Every single day I am born anew. So are you. Do not allow anyone or anything to restrict and hold you to past versions of yourself. Live in the now. Do it now. Be it now

However, this sentiment simultaneously triggers an imperative which signals the need to press forward while also making sure to cleanse my sphere of all that fails to reciprocate or vibrationally align with the person I am becoming. I am responsible for curating my social media so that it is conducive to my growth the same way that I curate my thoughts, my habits and the environment in which I live. In doing so, I am peacefully releasing all that no longer serves me or actively supports my growth. Genuine mutual support ought to be omnipresent or the space allowed for kinship to grow will retract, reroute and flow elsewhere. It’s truly nothing personal. Likewise, I ought to be able to draw inspiration, wisdom, perspective and uplifting energies from accounts, brands and makers that I follow. The tie has to be severed otherwise as I can no longer hold space for what doesn’t. What that looks like for me is unsubscribing from any and alls things that constitute an energetic blockage as I set on embracing my most authentic self. If I don’t find that I resonate with some virtual persona or content and/or recognize a lack of energetic unbalance I’ll be called to withdraw entirely, making way for only that which does. I shout my people out and reflect their light, letting them know they are supported, that they are inspiring, that they are divine creation and that their own creations are just as astounding. I find that I am naturally incline to expand energy in rooting for people who don’t necessarily root for me. Being free handed is depleting and I feel the need to boil things to the salt of the earth so that I can protect my energy. I am safeguarding it and redirecting towards that which serves, nourishes and appreciates me just as much as it is appreciated in return. Lately I’ve been called to honor my needs and give myself permission to cultivate the optimal conditions for my seeds to germinate. Everything has its importance. All comes with intentionality. Again, it’s nothing personal. It does not signify that I have an issue with anyone or anything in particular. It simply means that I am choosing me and my future self. I encourage you to do the same - let it all go then pick yourself first. Rinse and repeat. Follow your gut. Watch yourself bloom.

#TheMiddleWay #EnergeticBalance #HeartSpace #BeItNow #MasteringDetachment #SoftLife #VulnerabilityIsStrength #ActiveHealing #PublicHealing #GiveAndTake #RadicalHonesty #ToolBox #BeLikeWater

You’ve got mail!

Today, for the very first time, I received an email from a woman who landed on my blog and elected to reach out to me. That’s quite something. I had said to myself and publicly professed in my introductory post that if my words were to reach only one person I would consider this work, this commitment, a success. If writing about my personal experience and recovery could help just one other being crawl out of the darkness that is emotional neglect, physical abuse, chronic illness and depression, my mission would be accomplished. Well, here we are… From Spring to Summer, it has come full circle. To be accurate, back when I had what would qualify as a public meltdown on social media - or a cry for support, depending on how you view it - a handful of women have made themselves known to me and shared their grief. Some I knew. Some I had never met and wasn’t connected to in any capacity - hashtags were the glue. However, this is the first communication I receive from someone who didn’t come across my story via Instagram or Facebook but instead followed a trail starting from a support group and women healing circle I’ve created on a completely separate platform which I, myself, had never been an active user of until very recently. It is actually through that channel that I connected with A & R, two of the most genuine, transparent and giving souls I have in my present entourage. The two of them have found me there and have stepped into my life with both feet but they didn’t spend time on my website. Instead, they find my support group and messaged me directly on that platform without much digging involved. We have gotten to know one another through personal exchanges / time spent together. Anyhow, this approach is new and feels a bit different. I honestly didn’t expect it to happen so soon, if at all. I imagined that the whole year was likely to go by without me receiving any tangible feedback and I was okay with because as much as I want to put myself out there to express myself and potentially help other being navigate their own trauma and pain, parts of me feel quite comfortable with not putting myself out there and preserving my energy. My friend do not read these posts and I do not talk about this work with them. It’s something I do for myself without attaching any expectation to it. If they do read them, I have no knowledge of it and it’s probably better that way. Our conversations revolve around current endeavors, struggles and accomplishments. We chat about our spiritual journey, about our individuals practices and tools, about our goals, about our health, about what the future may hold. We hold space for each other but are forward thinking and instinctively refuse to dwell in the past. We chat about love, laugh and break bread together. We discuss our trigger and our family dynamics. We share music, articles and sacred texts with each other. We check in on each other and keep each other accountable. Each one of us truly seeks to find value and beauty in the present moment. So yeah, I’ve been doing this for the sake of cleansing myself, first and foremost, but it brings me joy to see that my harvest can also be someone else’s during a storm - I’m always glad to share. The healing bestowed upon me from simply writing my feelings down and releasing them into the void has been the great prize, but an even bigger reward is being able to stretch past myself and into another being. Engaging in conversations with strangers who may have taken a similar path and being given the opportunity to connect from a place of intimate and painful truth so as to foster each other’s healing is the motherfucking cherry on top. It is more fuel than I needed to carry on for the rest of the year - perhaps, well beyond that. We’ll see. Taking it day by day. 

#ThankYouMorePlease #FeelYou #FeelMe #LawOfOne #NPDAwareness #NPDSurvivor #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder #MalignantNarcissism #CovertNarcissism #PervertNarcissism #WolfInSheepsClothing #MaskOn #MaskOff #CPTSD #TraumaHealing #ShadowWork #InnerChild #HealingJourney #ActiveHealing #LifeAfterNarc #PatternBreaking #DarkestCurse #GreatestGift #Training #Illumination #Truth #Opportunity #InvestigateYourself #UnderstandYourself #AcceptYourself #HonorYourself #HealYourself #LoveYourself #CreateYourself #ProtectYourself #TrustYourself

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