#PhilBorges #BackToBasics #LawOfOne #IndigenousWorld #TribalCulture #AncientKnowledge #SpiritWorld #InterGenerational #InterDependency #SymbioticRelationship #PrayersWork #FromSkepticismToEnlightenment #PowerToTheGodWithin #TrustYourIntuition #ConnectWithSource

Inner dialog with X Y Z:

So, about what I’m currently doing…

I’m going to try my very best to describe it to you although I’m not confident I will succeed in getting you to understand it for it’s taken me months to adopt this posture and I still have a hard time articulating it myself. It wouldn’t be strange if you struggled to find any point of reference for what it is I’m doing. It’s neither something that was copied and pasted from someplace else, nor is it something that was easy to follow through with - it came to me intuitively and sort of took a life of its own. You see, I began writing and gardening for survival. More so than anything else, it was a necessity. I have an overactive mind prone to cycles of mild to severe depression when stuck in a negative feedback loop. It’s safe to say that most folks experience periods of depression in their lives but I’m only going to speak on my behalf. Amongst a legion of other internal and external factor, the decline in my mental health coincided with escalating abuse in my romantic life. Engaging in a certain type of activities turned things around for me when I found myself on the verge of despair; it held my mind still and allowed me to gain mastery over my thoughts. I learned that I wasn’t my thought. I learned to observe them. I learned to distance myself from them enough to understand them. The more I investigate, the better I become at identifying what triggers the thoughts that pop up in my head. It’s therefore easier to recognize whether or not an old program is running on auto-pilot, hijacking my ability to behave in ways that align with my soul’s desire. Connecting with nature, breathing in fresh air, recharging in the sun, playing with my dogs, engaging in physical activities and doing manual labor that gets all muscle groups working are the things that have quite literally sustained me in recent years. These practices are as much food and oxygen to me than what I had for lunch or the air that I’m breathing in the present moment. Similarly, I started painting out of necessity. Playing with colors and textures allowed my subconscious mind to express things I couldn’t find any proper way to verbalize at the time. I was tethered in and out of a dissociative state, completely out of touch with myself - my feelings. I was isolated from the outside world, stuck in fight or flight mode, living in utter and complete denial. Gardening and painting were a sweet escape from my reality. Journaling was my lifeline. I could write it down and let it go. Some things would require a few write-ups to be processed but would fade away eventually. Journaling is so incredibly powerful at fostering self reflection through healthy release; it has changed my life. Dancing, which is also big in my life at this time, has intensified more recently. Last winter is when I began moving my body practically every day for a few hours. At their core, all of these activities are meditative. They have allowed me to purge and cleanse myself while connecting with source. They have allowed me to express myself in a variety of contexts. They have taught me to channel my energy in a way that benefits me and my wellbeing. Although it is a lot of fun, I don’t necessarily dance for fun. I dance to release trapped emotions from the body and clear my head - I say this all the time. I’m not just this or that. I’m an artist, in a constant state of becoming. For long, I wouldn’t even come close to the word. I felt so unworthy. I thought to myself: “Who the hell are you to call yourself an artist, or a painter?” Growth and discipline have brought me to a place of genuine contentment and humble pride, one where I happily accept myself as all that I am. Today I can call myself an artist without feeling like an imposter. Of course I am. My vessel was designed for creation. It’s not that I make things - it stretches well beyond that. I get to create my reality moment to moment. I meticulously curate my immediate environment. I calibrate my habits and intuitively adapt my diet to support my current needs. I navigate my emotional state with care and grace. I maintain hermetic boundaries with people I do not want to associate with. I practice letting go of things that no longer serve me and stick with what works for me. My lifestyle is compromised of the things that fertilize me and cater to my needs for I am determined to do more of the things that bring me joy in the present moment. I have no formal training but I am dedicated to learning and experimenting with my craft. I didn’t attend art school. I am not a dancer. I am self taught. I am perpetually learning. I am an artist - in learning. My life is the art. My life is the muse. I’m living my true life out in public - no filter or mask. My life is real. The love. The pain. My life is what I make of it. These tools and holistic practices I’m constantly referring to, I don’t want to just talk about them to the people I come in contact with, I have an urge to demonstrate their potency. Time with myself is sacred and healing is an absolute priority for me. It means that my needs come first. I have timidly inched towards full transparency for some time but I embrace it now. I feel I earned my stripes as an artist once I accepted that my life was the body of work and all that I produce is of my creation, at a conscious or subconscious level. From that perspective it is fairly easy to understand why I am so preoccupied with shadow work and shadow integration. A principle I subscribe to is that nothing is right or wrong; it is either useful or detrimental according to a specific goal. In this case, my goal is to live as my true authentic self and be of service to others - my goal is engineering myself to become as conscious of a co-creator as I can be throughout this lifetime and beyond. It only makes sense for my life to serve as the epitomy of that which I firmly believe in and value most. What I elect to do with my time is either bringing me closer to a given goal or pushing me further away from it. Publicly tracking my recovery is not only a way to keep myself safe from harmful reprisals, it is how I get to assess my current mental regimen and see if it proves instrumental in my recovery from serial NPD abuse. I’m not just going to talk about energetics, quantum mechanics, astrology, and so on. I’m not just going to preach journaling, meditation, yoga, art therapy, time in nature, and intuitive dancing. Instead, I’m going to embody these various concepts by making a daily practice of the mindful activities that most resonates with me. All that I do is the work of Spirit and all that I share is experiential. I do it without shame. I am doing it out in the open because it is how I am choosing to heal. I am aware that being open with my personal struggles may help heal someone else and that matters a great deal. What I’m doing right now is showing up as my true self in the world, day after day, practicing radical honesty in my art / life. What I’m doing right now is breaking free of conditioning, expressing, learning from past experiences, healing emotional wounds, living life on my own terms and inspiring myself to continue supplying the universe what I wish to receive from it. In short, my story is out in the open. I felt compelled to stand naked before the world in order to shield myself from malevolence. Since then I’ve chosen to harness my vulnerability as a superpower, primarily focused on healing and expanding in love. All there is to know is that it make perfect sense - to me.

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I had to think about this conversation I’m going to have with S sooner or later. Quite possibly the next time we get to hang out again. I had to think about this long and hard as I feel we are in the realm of non-negotiables. From this point on, if we are to spend significant time together, anyone who enters my life is going to have to know this about me. There is no need for understanding and encouragements when it comes to the path I’ve chosen. Nevertheless, acceptance and support are a must.  Subtle perhaps, but there are nuances. One can imply the other but is not necessarily the same. I don’t know why but I feel I have to do this. Scratch that… I know my “whys”. I’ve got a number of them and it’s exactly why I have to do this. It’s wild. I’m still trying my hardest to articulate the intent but the words fail me, which is also why I feel I just have to move with it. Dating is optional. This isn’t. I strongly feel it is what my healing process demands and, because my healing comes first, I’m going to be reporting on my thoughts and feelings, reflecting on my daily processes and dissecting my emotional life until the New Year. With no expectations whatsoever, I will have dedicated a year post-divorce to this commitment to vulnerability, transparency and meta cognition. Whatever comes up within that timeframe will be examined and processed as openly and honestly as possible. Call it a life experiment. Call it a mental breakdown. Call it odd. Perhaps you’ll be right. Perhaps it is all of these things. Whatever the case may be, it is what healing looks like to me at this time, and I am doing it.

#NPDAwareness #NPDAbuse #NPDAbuseSurvivor #MalignantNarc #PervertNarc #CovertNarc #DeviantMind #PersonalityDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #PhysicalAbuse #HealingJourney #ChooseYourself #OpenBook #WriteItAway #DrawItAway #DanceItAway #RunItOut #BreatheItOut #ShakeItOff #CallItOff #TalkAboutIt #TrustYourInstinct #DayByDay #CatchAndRelease #HealthyTools #RadicalHonesty #FuckShame #AuthenticSelf #HighestSelf  #SelfLove #SelfCare #SelfKnowledge #SelfEngineering #SelfAcceptance #SelfRespect

May 28th, 2021

I’ve chosen my daughter’s name many moons ago - it came to me. Not exactly sure how, but it stuck and I instantly knew that if I were to birth a baby girl one day, her name would have been ready to greet her long before her arrival upon this earth. I don’t know that I will, or should, or must have a child, I don’t know the answer to any of these questions for with absolute certainty. What I know is that this name will be perfectly suited for my daughter, and whoever she grows up to be, if I do have the opportunity to mother a girl in this lifetime. 

Alaïa is the name:

Alaïa is of Arabic, Hebrew, and Basque origins. It signifies sublime, exalted, in Arabic, joyful in Basque. In Hebrew it means to ascend. A rare name for girls. Alaïa.

~ Alaïa Kali Uribe *

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1. 2 people from Virginia, U.S. agree the name Alaya is of African origin and means “Gift from God”.
2. A submission from Alabama, U.S. says the name Alaya means “To Ascend” and is of Hebrew origin.
3. According to a user from Virginia, U.S., the name Alaya means “Beautiful”.
4. According to a user from Nigeria, the name Alaya is of Yoruba origin and means “Heart hearted, brave daring. Also is a form of panegyrics common among the Offa people of Yoruba in Kwara. Also the Ijebus of Epe origin in Lagos also use the name”.

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Reading this entry put a smile on my face. I still feel the same. The name Alaïa deeply resonates and is of great significance to me. It is becoming more and more apparent that I am eager to start a family of my own. In my twenties, it was the last of my preoccupations.  I didn’t even want to entertain the idea for long. I wasn’t actively thinking of baring children and parenting styles until I got married and heavily got invested in doing shadow work and reparenting my inner child. It is now a goal of mine to prep myself and heal as much as I possibly can in order to welcome a life into this world. I want to raised emotionally secure children who feel safe in expressing their wants and needs, safe to to explore, safe to fail, safe to take space and connect with the world around them. Occasionally, I catch myself feeling like time is slipping away. I’ve always hoped to have children relatively young so as to avoid replicating the drastic age gap existing between my parents and I. It is one I feel has kept us at a distance, to some degree. I want to be able to relate to my children and openly discuss anything with them. By the time I’m 35 -36, I’d like to have wrapped it up. Perhaps my tendencies to rush into things comes from a subconscious need to control my timeline  - make sure it all happen according to my preferred timeline. Well, life doesn’t work that way, does it? It turns out baby girl will have a different middle and last name. As a matter of fact, baby girl might just be a baby boy and I’ve got to be okay with that too. 

If daughter choses me as her mother, daughter has a name waiting to welcome her in the garden of earthly delights. If there is ever an Alaïa, she will be divinely guided and protected.

#FuturePlanning #NoCoincidence #ManifestationBabe #MotherDaughter #Symbolism #Significance #Sublime #Exalted #Ascension #BabyGirl #NamePick