It’s remarkable to take note of just how much priorities change as we mature. I was in the cave long before the Pandemic hit and have only started socializing again since late this Spring. I could be wrong but I don’t feel as though I’ve missed out on much. At least not anything I’d be willing to trade. The past two nights I turned down tickets to social events so I could stay home alone, top my cereal with trail mix, sit with my feelings and write them out. It’s not because I wouldn’t have fun - when I do go out, I tend to have a blast. However, I had two choices: engaging in something that would restore me or engaging in something that would deplete me. It was an obvious pick. I rely so heavily on writing for emotional release that I now feel particularly uneasy when I’ve got something in mind that I cannot seem to shake. I know what must be done to address it and there are but few ways around it. For me, journaling is by far the most effective way to purge. Think of it as having a clogged digestive system. Whenever you feel backed up, you associate with great discomfort. You know you have to flush things out in a timely manner in order to properly function and when you do you typically feel better. Lately I have gone through a dizzying succession of tower moments, the last of which I have to poop out just so I can put it behind me. My mind won’t rest otherwise. Moreover, there is visibly something attached to the root of this succession of tower moments that begs to be addressed. I owe it to myself to set time aside and do just that. The way I give myself closure when I cannot work things out in cooperation with someone else is through self analysis and effective processing. I’ve been sitting with this for days and it has made me feel quite unsettled - a feeling I’ve silently observed and decorticated over the past couple of weeks. It’s been a tumultuous analysis to conduct, one that has required supreme honesty and plenty of travels down memory lane.
I recently connected with a man. He was in all likelihood a decent one, but his appearance into my life caused for old wounds to be ripped wide open. That man, F, didn’t do anything at all. His presence only served in reflecting back to me what was already there - whether or not I was prepared to face it. That man announced himself as a potential lover but turned out to be a valuable teacher instead. I met F in late April, soon after we had matched on a dating app. Due to the amount of video recordings in my camera roll my phone was running out of storage, therefore I constantly had to delete files and offload applications. I was considering disabling my profile and deleting the app altogether when I got caught in a final swipe frenzy - one last time before I checked myself out. F’s page stood out to me, interrupting a series of underwhelming left swipes. A multidisciplinary artist, he had used a couple of key words that detonated with a loud bang. He built colorful mind boggling things with his hands and identified as an INFP. The acronym sounded close enough to my personality type for it to spark my interest. I identify as an INFJ and those are hard to come by. Could it be that I had encountered a close match? Could it be that we could fully embrace one another’s specificities? I immediately assumed the best, as I usually do - almost to a fault. I not only assumed the best, I went ahead and looked up his personality type to have an idea of what to expect. It was confirmation of what I instinctively thought. I landed on a fascinating article contrasting INFP with INFJ - it’s a deep dive onto the subtle differences between these types. If you’re an INFJ or an INFP you may be interested in checking out this particular article or website - a close match indeed. Without question I sought to know more about F. It was a late night right-before-bed-swiping type of match but I elected to send a message rather than take a chance on forgetting to reach out the next day. There was only 24 hours allotted for an initial conversation, otherwise the match would expire. Of course you can revive the match if you upgrade your membership and pay x amount for added features and blah blah blah but who cares that much? I don’t. If it’s gone, it’s gone. I wrote something thoughtful before vanishing into dreamland, holding F in my thoughts. The next morning, F crossed my mind and I found myself checking the app for new messages. Nothing. Towards the end of the day I was checking again, expecting unread communication. Still nothing. Having switched off notifications for most app was turning me into an anxious bunch; I wasn’t getting alerts for matches or incoming messages so I kept on checking, hoping for a reply. In doing so, I revisited his profile and choice of words a few times. I was most definitely connecting with his energy and was already feeling him but the closer we got to the cutoff time and the more I accepted the idea of a missed connection. There was something about him though - he had piqued my curiosity. I really liked what I sensed in F and felt an undeniable pull towards him. Sadly, the match expired right before I went to sleep the following night. « I’m not sure why I feel that way but this could have been quite something » I thought. « Well, I guess we’ll never know… » I let it roll off my mind and played music until I fell asleep, cuddled up with Maya and Rio. The next day, I mechanically checked the app again and was greeted with a message from F. What a lovely surprise! Although I was back on the app, getting on it didn’t seem enticing in any way. I was opening it up without actually desiring to conversate with anyone. Small talk was a dreadful enterprise and I hoped for instant organically honest connections. Except F was suddenly back in the picture. F was cool. F was an exception and exceptions are rare. Usually, when a match would expire, that was pretty much it - gone with the wind. I was stoked to have been granted a second shot at getting to know each other by the dating app Gods. I was in a killer mood that morning and eagerly replied with voice notes and suggestions for immediate plans. I was having a fantastic week and was highly receptive of F’s energy. In my attempt to secure Florence & the machine tickets for a LA show that weekend, I found out through Bandsintown that Jorja Smith was performing that evening at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Without thinking twice, I felt prompted to suggest it to F. We hadn’t formally introduced ourselves to each other. We hadn’t met nor talked just yet. I remarked that it was a bit spooky to meet for the first time at a cemetery r’n’b concert but, hey, I wasn’t one to submit to conventions. Plus I had been to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for outdoor film screenings in the summer and it was always a fun time to pack a picnic and hang out on the lawn. I could already picture us there, having a blast and joking about the fact that we were there, having a blast. F was going to know that I was interested in him. I wasn’t going to keep him guessing. I had no interest in push and pull nonsense. I knew what I wanted. I shot my shot. By the time he got back to me, tickets for Jorja Smith’s show were sold out. No big deal! We moved past that fairly quickly and began engaging with each other, testing the water. After a couple of back and forth he suggested that we graduate to a phone call. We did and hit it off right away. I could finish his sentences in my head. We were vibrating at similar frequencies. F felt strangely familiar. Shared perspectives were easily understood without further explanation. The flow was impeccable. We talked for hours, spending most of the evening peeling each other’s layers, perfectly comfortable with intermittent pauses and moments of silence. All in all, it felt effortless. I greatly appreciated his sense of humor, his openness, his rhythm. He was warm and genuinely curious. Exchanging felt natural, easy, safe… From what I gathered, he seemed to be an excellent communicator and a very dynamic being. I quickly identified a need for acknowledgement, accurate appraisal, and deep understanding emanating from him. I, myself, have been harboring the same needs deep inside my soul for as long as I’ve been in this game of life. We all tend to seek understanding and validation from external sources with the aim to measure ourselves. For some, the longing for free expression and genuine appreciation is resented through inevitable fragmentation and simplification of the whole. How do you channel and translate infinity into the bordered materiality of our 3D world? It’s, perhaps, feeling as though so much of it slips away in the process… It’s feeling as though some aspects of ourselves are completely lost on other people, at one point or another, due to a lack of resonance. Speaking only for myself, this feeling of not being seen can morph into a certain anguish that is linked to chronic disappointment in the context of interpersonal relationships - especially in the context of romantic relationships with a degree of codependency. F had a profound sense of self and was motivated to communicate that to me. He gave me a multitude of angles from which to perceive him - a ton of them - and I really appreciated him for that. Recognition was instant; I felt my soul saw him for who he was, from a 5D perspective. I knew right away that I wanted something more with him. In his early forties, F was no youngster, but there was a youthfulness to him that added to his innate vibrancy. His energy was fiery. His cadence felt faster paced than mine. We chatted on the phone throughout the rest of the day and evening. I enjoyed the sound of his voice. He was incredibly open and was driving the conversation. I didn’t want to volunteer too much personal information but I answered all questions sincerely and reacted to whatever was surfacing in real time. The two of us were meshing pretty well. Hours had gone by without us being able to detach ourselves from this budding connection. Around 10 ish, perhaps 11 pm or so, we pulled the trigger and both agreed to meet that same night. Although I was attracted to him, I wasn’t interested in a sexual encounter. What I wanted most was to feel him and relax in his presence. Nothing about it felt rushed or strange. It was a natural progression considering the explosive nature of our energetic collision. He took a shower, got dressed, hopped in his car and headed in my direction. I had been dealing with a severe eczema flare up for days. My entire face was badly inflamed and parts of it were flaking. The one thing that would soothe me was slathering organic honey all over it and leave it there as an ointment. I thought to myself that I wouldn’t wash it off if he showed up so we would most certainly behave. With a full face of sticky coated mess, he couldn’t get too close. I was also very comfortable just as I was, in sweat pants and socks, with my hair running wild, incense sticks burning up and music playing in the living room - I was in my element. It took about half an hour for him to get to my location. I was getting a little tired but was pumped to know he was getting close and thankful that he had been willing to take a spontaneous trip in my direction. He called upon arrival. I was home alone with the pups, still listening to music, anticipating the sound of his vehicle pulling around the corner. I walked over to the gate to greet him. The both of us were smiling and I felt electricity firing up my spine. Neither Maya nor Rio barked. They were all over F, welcoming him in. No sense of threat whatsoever - it felt quite right. I gave him a quick tour of the place. We spent some time indoor and outdoor, warming up to each other. He doesn’t particularly like to roll, and neither do I, but I fixed us a joint with the medicinal I had left in my ceramic canister - just enough for one joint. Soon, he suggested we took his car for a joyride. I washed off the honey I had on my face and applied a seaweed mask all over while he was chatting me up in the hallway. Truth is I was trying to camouflage the inflammation the best way I could. Truth is I get insecure about my skin like the best of us. We drove aimlessly through the city, talking, glancing at each other, listening to music. By that point, it was really late into the night. I had gotten up early and was beginning to crash but F seemed to experience a burst of energy so I went along with it. I didn’t want to be robbed of that moment or interrupt things just yet. Instead I chose to embrace it and wait to see where the night would take us. At no point did I question my safety. Besides, being in his presence was both stimulating and energizing despite feeling fatigued. Talking wasn’t a requirement amongst the two of us; sitting next to each other was enough. I was trying to stay with the present moment but every now and again my mind would drift to ancient stories and remote timelines. As much as I didn’t want to go there, I couldn’t help but compare him to my ex spouse. They looked nothing alike but shared an uncannily similar carte de visite in society. Indeed, it seemed the two of them pursued a lot of the same interests resulting in lots of connective points between their individual worlds. They also dressed pretty much the same. It felt surreal; F was standing before me as a spiritually evolved version of my ex spouse. He was deeply self aware and displayed a high level of emotional intelligence. He was very attentive and would pick up on subtle changes in my behavior. Not in a predatory learning-your-ways-to-better-manipulate you sort of approach. Not at all. I felt I was looking into a mirror and, for a change, the reflection wasn’t distorted. He was transparent. He was upfront. He was open hearted. We had been driving around Mid City, listening to records he had entirely produced. I was freaking blown away by his artistic fiber and multifaceted skills. It seemed all that he touched was proudly infused with his spirit and turned to gold. An alchemist in sweatpants. I was having a wonderful time, like I hadn’t in a while, but I also couldn’t stop worrying about my dogs. Both Maya and Rio experience major separation anxiety and would howl at the moon for extended periods of time when left home alone. I was worried about them freaking out in our absence. I was worried about the neighbors getting alarmed or perturbed by noise. I asked him to drive back towards my place and we got to moving. We cruised and chatted and got carried away again. We ended up at the beach with that joint I had rolled, still waiting to be lit on fire. The night wasn’t so young anymore. We parked by the pier and got lost in sounds. He had been playing his music all along, tunes he had written and recorded over the years. It came as a shocker to me how ridiculously talented he was. Truly, I can’t emphasize this enough… I was quite literally blown away by what I was hearing. At a loss for words. More than that, he was raw and boldly honest. His body of work was dense. It was a gritty, heartfelt, and brilliant melodic cocktail offering a glimpse into his mindset and emotional history. A lot of what he had gone through was wholeheartedly unpacked in these songs. It was a sonic testament to his emotional growth and a vulnerable place to start as far as dating goes. I felt honored to have been shown what I perceived as a treasure chest. I marveled at all the jewels emerging from within - it just kept on getting better and better and better. When I look back at how things progressed, I was quite literally flooded with information. He was showering me with data points about himself, what he did, how he did it, where he had been, who he knew, his family dynamics, his relationship history, his trauma, his healing journey, his beliefs, his career achievements, his future goals, his hopes and dreams, his lifestyle, his friendships, his criteria for a partner, his hobbies, etc. I rarely get handed a comprehensive report on a silver platter when I meet someone. It just doesn’t happen that way… Like - here. This is who I am. Cold hard facts. Videos. Photos. Songs galore… I want you to see me. I need you to know me and absorb all of this stuff about me right now. I need you to know right now who the hell I am. That’s kind of what it felt like to me. I thought, “Oh, but wait… I guess this is sort of how I come across to people these days.” In just about 24 hours I was invited to take all of that in and absorb it. What’s more interesting is that I gladly did. A whole lot to process, even by my standards, but I adored that he was an open book. Mysteries get boring and can prove dangerous. I don’t want to keep on wandering. Show me your face. Tell me who you are. F felt like a gift to me. I thought to myself “I might have met my match in this radiant being. We see eye to eye when it comes to communication. This is going to be an epic journey and I cannot believe this is happening.” Was it though? Not exactly. After we smoked that joint, he took me home. We hugged, smiled, and made more plans. He left me with his sweater and the promise of a renewed embrace later on that day. I was elated. I felt an angel had visited me. F had crashed through my walls and swept me off my feet. I went to sleep wearing his clothes and woke up a few hours later thinking of him. I was looking for red flags but couldn’t spot any; his behavior had been stellar and didn’t feel staged. He was authentically himself. Perched on cloud 9, I was thinking of all the things I wanted to show him, explore with him, do to him and talk to him about. This meeting of the minds was intoxicating - I just couldn’t wait to do it all over again. He woke up to a text message from me, rejoicing at the previous 24 hours. We kept in touch the following day, texting and calling whenever possible. Towards the end of the day, I was itching to see him again but it wasn’t ideal for him to leave his pad due to career related commitments. I had some work to complete on my laptop and offered to pay him a visit at his loft, with some groceries and a bottle of wine. I was down to cook dinner, hang out for a bit, and give hime space to work while I got on with my own tasks - he was down too. Cloud 11! He insisted in having me try this bizarre croissant pizza he had in his freezer. He swore it was trash that tasted exquisite and made for a scrumptious meal so I said “mmkay.” I packed light and booked a Lyft after taking my dogs out for their nightly bathroom walk. They screamed and howled like banshees as I left, but I left anyway - my roommate was home for the night. I was on my way to F, thinking about F and only F. I was introduced to his kitty upon arriving and given a tour of his space. He walked me through everything, explaining how and where objects had been sourced, what they meant to him, and how it all came together. Soon after I got there, he drove us to his studio down the block to introduce me to the magic of his inner world. He had me wait outside as he set everything up and only gave me the green light to enter when ready. I penetrated the cave - again, floored. F came across as a mature fella who had managed to keep his childhood dream alive and was making a living from the wonders of his imagination. He was absolutely my kind of human - I deeply admired him for that. Unlike his predecessor, he was utterly dedicated to his craft. His passion and work ethics carried through everything he said and did. His integrity as an artist, his drive, his resourcefulness, and his heart are what really made me fall for him. He ran me through some of the projects he had worked on as we explored his playground. We talked about craftsmanship, art and the art scene in LA. He was excited to show me around and I was enthusiastic to see all that he was so excited about. His vision was a perfect fit for mine. I could see it all already. I could picture us getting banged up moving sheets of plywood in an out of the space. I could picture us half naked in the studio, late at night, covered with paint, jamming to music and snacking on junk food. I could see myself watching him work, hyping him up while I observed and learned. I could see him encouraging me to transition to bigger formats and push me to experiment with new materials. I could see myself helping him get organized while he kept me on track with artistic endeavors. It was a match made in heaven - a yin to my yang. A fated connection perhaps? He seemed like the exact kind of partner I had been praying for. He was inspiring me to adopt new perspectives and go down new paths of exploration. On the way out, he gifted me a wood statue he had made and urged me to grab a few can of spray paint to take home with me. He instructed me to choose my colors - anything I wanted. I grabbed one at first but he pressed me to take more. There were stacks of them but I didn’t feel inclined to deplete his stock. I timidly grabbed a couple more cans. He helped me test them out before boxing them up for me. He was generous. He was thoughtful. He was kind. He meant well. He was mirroring the energy I had been giving away so freely my entire life, often to the wrong recipients. His actions lined up perfectly with his words. F seemed to genuinely care about who I was and what I was about and would consistently reaffirm that in me. F felt like a breath of fresh air after a long period of periodic suffocation and drowning, struggling to stay above water. It was sweet. Soon, we returned to his place to have dinner. All of a sudden, I was very nervous. There was a lot at stake here and I didn’t want to mess anything up. I didn’t know what to do with myself, or where to sit. I didn’t want to come too close by fear of melting into him entirely. I could sense it was a done deal. He had me wrapped around his finger and there was not much I could do to fight it at that point. I was sold - I just knew. It was a vulnerable place to be for me. It was what I wanted but it was happening so very quickly that I was losing my bearings. Worried about giving off the wrong impression I tried anchoring myself in the present moment as opposed to thinking of all the things that could go wrong from there. It seemed too good to be true, but was it? I really didn’t want to sabotage this by giving weight to old narratives which didn’t belong in this scenario. I also feared behind blindsided by my emotions. It was semi exhilarating and semi petrifying. My hair wasn’t done. My face was still inflamed. I had no make up on. I was wearing green sweatpants and looked a hot mess. My inner critic had grabbed a hold of the mic. “What was I thinking showing up like this? I wasn’t prepared enough for this. F could very well be it… A true partner - and was I even ready? Had I done enough healing work? After being gaslit for so many years, how can one trust fully? This was moving awfully fast, giving me deja vu… How does one prepare for a significant encounter? Would this be a moment we’d be thinking of for years to come? Was this as real as I felt it was? Could it end as abruptly as it started? Was any of it tainted? Was it true? Was it pure fantasy?” It was real enough for me. One of my beloved science documentary on fungi was playin on the big screen but I couldn’t focus at all. I had watched it with my ex spouse when it was released. My mind was racing. I was feeling anxious. We had been drinking a bottle of pinot noir rose and I was getting tired. I desired F but wasn’t sure I wanted to cross the line just yet. Should I leave? Should I stay? It was obvious I didn’t want to leave his side, therefore I stayed. He was a perfect gentlemen, making sure I was satiated and feeling alright. I was sitting on one side of the bed. After we finished our meal and moved food out of the way, F asked if it was okay to get closer - to touch me. He was consciously forming the habit of gauging my comfortability level, asking me how I felt about something before proceeding with it. I adored his mindfulness. He was very considerate, and it didn’t seem like an act. I truly valued that he was so aware of my emotional and physical spaces. We drank wine, painting pictures of where we saw ourselves in the future. We casually talked about family dynamics, the most suited environments for children, where that could be, what that looked like… We talked about land, owning it, developing it, growing food, living sustainability, leading peaceful lives in the countryside, contributing to the community, building a legacy, raising good humans and pushing ourselves to create for as long as we breathe. A lot of fantasies and crazy projections into the future were birthed that night, but none sounded all that crazy to me. It was not only achievable, it made absolute sense. I was hesitant to let F get too close at first but the minute we touched I felt safe in his arms. Later on we got closer, but nothing happened as we pursued a more intimate route. We were exploring each other’s peaks and valleys but alcohol and fatigue had another agenda. It wasn’t the right time for a passionate encounter of sexual nature. As far as I was concerned, I had chalked it up to exhaustion. I felt him getting a bit frustrated but I wasn’t at all in that frame of mind. For me, this wasn’t a lustful 3d based connection. I was slightly inebriated, space traveling with THC propellers, and had pivoted to 5D receptors. I wasn’t concerned with sex one bit, or the giant screen. My eyes were mostly shut. I was connecting with F on the spiritual plane, focusing on various other sensory inputs. I didn’t really want to talk anymore. In reaching the limits of what could be expressed verbally, words had been used up. I just wanted to feel him. I wanted to lay there intertwined with each other in silence and be held tightly. I wanted to breathe him in and feel his heartbeat echoing mine. I intuitively retreated within and began to monitor how my nervous system was responding to being in close proximity with F. Truth is I felt so safe that I wanted to melt inside his chest - I didn’t want him to let me go. My entire body was warming up and seemed to be vibrating. I sensed a certain stiffness coming from him, which wasn’t there before, but I didn’t read too much into it. I was beat. My eyelids were getting heavier. We passed out. Needless to say, no work got completed that night. A few hours later, I was woken up by the cute kitty hanging above our heads. I chuckled and looked over at F. I could have surely slept longer but I was used to running on few hours of sleep. I was more relaxed than ever, happy to be there, in his presence. He was quick to rise so I got up and washed my face. Lots of energetic shifts were taking place and I could feel them very strongly. I was no longer in an anxious state, but he was. It’s as if the roles had been reversed. I had emerged from dream state feeling cool as a cucumber, slightly hungry, aiming to grab breakfast with him before returning home to my dogs and daily duties. F, however, was coming to grip with all of the things he had committed to but had neglected to tackle over the past couple of days. He was spread thin, deadlines were frantically ringing the bell and he wasn’t ready to answer. He still decided to step out to get breakfast with me. He also ended up taking me home afterwards. I grabbed the spray paint cans, the wood statue, said goodbye to the kitty and left. I didn’t know it then, but it was the first and last time I’d be seeing that cat. The energy upon departure had a different tone but I was still hanging up in the clouds. After I got home, I was having trouble concentrating on tasks. F’s energy was disruptive and he had left me with a mountain of material to interact with, all of which carried his essence. I folded his sweatshirt and stored it in my closet. The wood statue was a perfect match for my bedroom dresser so it immediately established residence in my room. I left the box of spray paint on the kitchen table - a sight I could catch from various angles in the house, with all the mirror hanging around. These cans of spray paint represented a portal onto mediums I had not necessarily considered or attempted to incorporate into my art. I wanted to make sure I could spot these cans, flirt with them, think about them and quickly put them to use to see I how felt about integrating them in my creative process. One of my goals had been to work on bigger canvas and try my hands at murals. I spent most of the day listening to F’s music, communing with his words. He was quite prolific - so much to check out. I loved his style of expression and sonic palette. Nothing about him was pre-made, lackluster, or typical. I couldn’t get him off my mind; it was problematic. The more I listened, the more I resonated with his core beliefs and saw aspects of myself in him. He had felt some of these things I had felt. He had been there before. He had come face to face with his shadow self. He was tapping into very specific human experiences and scenarios I could relate to. His music triggered a torrent of emotional responses. I quickly got overwhelmed and that’s when things really started going off the rails, away from temperance, practicality, and reason. I wrote to let him know just how appreciative of him I was and how meaningful our encounter had turned out to be. I cherished him and wanted to be very intentional about nurturing our bond. The connection felt very special to me. I bought tickets to a show in Highland Park and asked him to join me. He was down but I wouldn’t leave it at that. We had plans to spend an afternoon exploring a hiking trail. That too, wasn’t enough. We had plans to softly introduce My pups to his kitty. We had plans to cook up a storm the outdoor bbq grill. We had plans to go camping. We had plans to tattoo each other with my Sol Nova. The list went on and on. I felt as though I couldn’t wait a day longer for all of it to happen. I had been emotionally deprived. I had been starved of love and care. I had waited for a prospect like this one for too long - or long enough, I thought. He appeared to be the blessing I had been asking for and my prayers seemed to have been answered. It may sound strange to some but I was utterly convinced I had manifested him and there was no time to waste. I wanted to take him everywhere and tell him everything and do all of the things I had been yearning to experience and share with someone special. The weight of the world doesn’t seem nearly as heavy when you have a steady companion to help carry the load. I wanted it all with him, right now. I was approaching the situation from a place of lack, wishing for us to somehow make up for “lost” time. Thinking back to it I bet it all sounded a little nutty - I had little to no patience whatsoever. I wanted to show F, who was fairly new to the LA area, everything I knew about SoCal. I wanted to explore all that I didn’t know, with him by my side. I wanted to unravel naked before him and declare: « This is me. Here is all that I am. Will you receive me? Will you honor me? Will you protect me? I need to know - now. » I was practically certain I had met my divine counterpart. F was not only open to a higher level of commitment he seemed to have actively been searching for his ideal mate. There was no concept of time and space in my love bubble; I was ready to grow with this man and build together for the next five decades to come. I very rapidly developed immense respect for him, his talent, his morale and code of ethics. The more he spoke the deeper I fell. Before I could blink I was hit with a ton of brick. When I tell you that I was swept off my feet - it was a tornado effect. F struck me as someone I wouldn’t get tired of. He was lively. He was perceptive. He was true. He was caring. He was compassionate. He was knowledgeable about himself. F was future planning, he was both emotionally intelligent and emotionally available, he was open to love, he was gentle, he was respectful, he was funny, he was spiritually inclined, he was mature, he was driven, he was resourceful, he was easy to talk to and outstandingly creative… Yes, I realize I might have already mentioned a few of these epithets, but this is the real on F. He exhibited great values and held the women in his life with high regards - he checked everything off my list. I’ve encountered many characters in my life. Many have shown up in different forms. F is simply not your usual type. After a couple of nights spent getting to know him, I knew this for certain. After he dropped me off, I had a clear vision of him in his old age, walking around trying to lift stuff it wasn’t all too wise for him to carry. I thought: “Wow, okay… Well, I’m fine with it though. That’s it! I’m off the meat market.” I snoozed my profile and deleted the dating app from my phone. A bit crazy, I know… And that’s entirely okay. When I know, I know. When I’m in, I’m all in. Except at this stage of my evolution, I feel strongly connected to my intuition and trust in it. Yes, I’m a fool. For love, I’m a fool. I believe in love and I love love. I believe doing things in and with love makes doing any thing at all better. Whether it is love for self, or love expressed outwardly and directed towards something or someone else, love has to be the base ingredient for divine alchemy to take place. I spend quite a lot of time daydreaming about love - I think of all the major decisions in my life that have been motivated by love and I think of all the ways in which choosing a different flavor of love would have made a drastic difference in my life. Love is my preferred topic; I cultivate it, I revel in it, and I consciously make space for it. With me, love is never an afterthought. I crave higher dimensional expressions of love and I believe I deserve nothing less than that which I am willing and capable of offering. So I’m here waiting for it - you know where to find me. I could say that F is just the right kind of flavor for me. With F, there was a twofold reenactment happening simultaneously. I’m not sure this will make sense but it is how I experienced it. On one hand, F was the embodiment of a facade I had known too well for F was tied to the exact same creative pursuits and capabilities the imposter in my life had relied upon to lure me in. F seemed real - the imposter in my life turned out to be a skilled pretender who didn’t measure up and lacked the awareness necessary to do anything about it. In other words, F stood out as the tangible version of the myth I had married into. On the other hand, F also seemed to be an evolved version of a wonderful man I had dated in my twenties. I met J when I was fresh out of college. Realizing that corporate law wasn’t for me, I was at a crossroad in my journey, trying to get in tune with my creative side all over again. He was a talented musician, slowly but surely emerging in the public eye. We had met on a dating app. We were both reeling from a painful break up and abandonment wood combo when we smashed into each other. The chemistry was insane and a passionate on and off romance ensued. I deeply appreciated J. He had a deep sense of social, cultural, and self awareness. He was soft spoken. He was tenacious. He was wholesome. He was brilliant. J was far more in touch with his emotions than I was back then and composed beautiful music. He was gentle and kind. It was evident we were but placeholders in each other’s lives, attempting to get relief from the pain the both of us were dealing with. Our timing was off but I had a soft spot for him. Back then, not only was I most definitely not over my ex, I was also too out of touch with myself for anything substantial to take shape - I was numbing the pain with distraction. I wasn’t in a place to receive a blessing like J although I recognized his value. I hadn’t yet embarked on a spiritual path and had done virtually no shadow work. Letting go of the past prove really difficult. I was struggling to “find” myself. I was deeply unaware - asleep. Our connection fizzled out with time and J went on to date someone with whom he blossomed in love and to whom he is presently engaged - the two of them make a wonderful pair. Let’s just say she was an evolved version of who I was at the time and the right balance for him. I, in contrast, went on downward spiral of toxic relationships characterized by escalating abuse. A few years down the line, my romantic journey had landed me into a naively rushed marriage - a pit which had brought forth repetitive patterns and forced me to close out a cycle of truly painful realizations. In hindsight, J entered my airwaves at a juncture in my life where things could have either unfolded wonderfully, or otherwise. I chose the path of most resistance because it was the path for me - I wouldn’t change a thing. That said, J is the only man I encountered in my twenties whom I fondly think back to as being the one who got away. All of this to say that F, strangely enough, was an odd mash-up of all the things my recent ex was pretending to be, and all of the tenderness and honesty J had brought into my life amidst a series of damaging relationships. F dressed like one and physically resembled the other. F was an art director, creative consultant, stage designer, and music producer like one claimed to be, and was a talented musician and songwriter like the other is. He was sensible, compassionate, and creative like one claimed to be and like the other is. My mind was glitching from jumping timelines and observing the astonishing parallels among these characters. F was this sort of otherworldly version of both P and J combined - he seemed to be what my soul had been calling for all these years. He was here in the flesh, and I knew it the moment I laid eyes on him. How could this be. Life is such a trip… I thought « If this is a test, please allow me to see through it. » So how did I fuck this up? It was exciting. It was new. It was sweet beyond belief - and that’s the real issue. Too much of anything quickly becomes toxic. I was drowning him in expressions of love and appreciation. I became awfully clingy and emotional to a fault. I didn’t care to hide how I felt, keep my guards up, pace myself and play it cool. I was enamored and wanted him to be aware of it so I opened up the floodgates regardless of proper timing or context. I was in reality self conscious and fearful of getting burnt, of being abandoned, of being misunderstood, or being misled. I felt like a little girl again - insecure. Someone like F was who I had been waiting for and I was thirsty for his healing. The little girl in me wanted to be held. She wanted to be comforted. She wanted to be seen. She wanted to be reassured. She wanted to be loved. She wanted to be protected. What I did was smother our connection to death for It quickly became overwhelming in intensity. My need for acceptance, understanding and reassurance was filling the air with toxic compounds. It all ended as swiftly as it started - I had repelled my match. As open as he was, I had managed to sink that ship immediately after boarding it. F had jumped on a life boat, preoccupied with shielding his heart and protecting his energy from a potential disaster. From what had been previously shared, I understood that we both had bitter experiences with emotional abuse at the mercy of energy vampires. In light of the mess that was going in my life and the way that I latched onto F, I understand his decision to pull his energy away. I had a lot more healing to do and had manifested that which I feared the most. It wasn’t fair for me to bring that load to him. It wasn’t his role to be my protector or emotional crutch. I was aiming to please but what I was really saying to F was “alright look, I’m going to tell you all the things that should reasonably scare you off, hoping that you don’t take off, and if you do run for the hill… Well it’s probably because you would have jumped shipped down the line anyway, after getting what you wanted, so it might as well happen right now. Don’t you think?” No, I didn’t actually think these thought, but I came to realize that the sponsoring thoughts behind my thoughts must have sounded a lot like that. The psychic agent driving my behavior, was this belief that the present moment was truly all that was because the future was escaping me. For whatever reason, before it even had a chance to take hold, I felt I would have no control over whether this thing would last. Scared to death that it wouldn’t, I attempted to exercise control over the speed at which things were happening, resulting of course in the opposite effect. Residual codependent toxicity was following me and was riddled with red flags. Had I been on the receiving hand of it, I don’t think that I would have confidently taken a leap of faith. It was too much, too intense. F had firm boundaries and was categorically not having it. Just like that, he shut me out, requiring of me that I slow drip. At first, I thought « after all that has been exchanged, us basically switching into full gears, you now ask of me to pump the breaks when it’s no longer your turn to express? You occupy the stage and then, bloop, exit the amphitheater as I’m about to have the floor… Why F? Why won’t you listen to my story? » That’s what my inner child was saying to me. My ego, however, was trying to convince me that F’s was taking his irritability and stress out on me although he was to blame for making poor decisions: « It seems our latest encounter didn’t turn out to be worth taking all that time off and now you are resenting me for diverting energy away from work when all I did was match your energy. » No way. I knew better than that. I understood where this was coming from and knew I had to go all the way to the source for F had simply activated well known triggers. Why was I so recklessly skipping steps? Why was I so deeply afraid of missing out on love? Why why was in such a rush to get somewhere other than here? I was so overly concerned about the future that I was sabotaging the present. In subconsciously trying to control the course of events I had lost control, bringing residual angst into the equation. I had so easily shifted from secured to anxious. I felt like a young girl all over again. Exposed. Unsure. Meeting F forced me to reckon with the frailty of my newfound balance as well as the sensitivity of my emotional state. It wasn’t all that solid just yet. I had been so quick to toss out the window all that I had learned and practiced about detachment that I had let myself down again. I wasn’t proud. I was hurting, too. Still, I was moving in full awareness of what was happening.
Not only is abandonment a child’s most predominant fear, it is also a primal universal fear. All of us have experienced this fear of losing connection with someone we care about. These anxieties originated from experiences that left us feeling like we could not rely on others to take care of us or show up for us in the manner we needed - situations in which we were left to fend for yourself.
Abandonment inflicts a deep penetrating emotional wound which gives the wounded a feeling of being cut off from what Susan Anderson, an abandonment research expert, calls “life-sustaining support.” Anderson refers to abandonment as a “cumulative wound,” meaning all your disappointments, uncertainties, and losses from childhood to present are compacted and reignited when confronted with a trigger. Abandonment can be real or perceived, emotional or physical. Causes of abandonment issues can manifest through absent, abusive, or inadequate parenting. Besides parents who are emotionally unavailable, dysfunctional relationships with siblings who aren’t dependable can also magnify these latent issues. Children who feel routinely ignored or left to solve problems without proper guidance, adolescent who were often critiqued and made to feel as if failing or making mistakes was a crime, individuals subjected to peer rejection, chronic sickness, devastating romantic break-ups or prolonged singleness are all prime candidates for abandonment issues. Many of us subconsciously position ourselves to be taken advantage in friendships and abused in romantic relationships because we have internalized core beliefs leading to negative patterns. Re-enactment is a subconscious effort to resolve trauma. We may continue to pursue individuals who are unavailable, noncommittal, and reckless because we are, at some level, still trying to work things out from an unresolved past experience. There was a time during my marriage where I had subscribed to the belief that I was defective and therefore insignificant. I felt guilty for having needs and whenever something went wrong, I search within to find fault. The obvious choice was to blame and reprimand myself. I had grown to mistrust my own judgment and unceasingly question myself. Why would I trust someone who was not good enough? The trauma of abandonment leaves an emotional blueprint hardwires inside the brain. People who suffer from abandonment wounds experience acute emotional sensitivity to anything that triggers a feeling of rejection and may experience flashbacks that send them into emotional hijacking. Coined by David Goleman, emotional hijacking occurs when the amygdala or emotional brain overrides the rational brain. In this state, a person feels seized and overpowered by their emotions - I’ve been there countless times. Healing is a non linear process and a labor of love. One minute you feel you’re cruising in plenitude towards utter and complete self acceptance and the next you’re back on your ass, swimming in a puddle of your own mess, trying to figure out how exactly you lost your balance. This chain of events was of great significance to me. F left his shadow behind so that I could meet face to face with my own; he had brought to light what I most needed to investigate. There was tremendous value in this encounter, although it didn’t materialize into what I wanted. Instead, F gave me what I needed from him. As strange as it may sound, I am truly glad he left me behind. In doing so, he forced me to spend a great deal of time focused on what had happened and why. F deserved a better quality partnership than what I was going to bring to him in that state. He knew it. I know it too. The nexus of my healing is abandonment in the form of having been abandoned or having abandoned myself. In many situations, being abandoned came as a direct result of abandoning myself and that is what stings the most. I’ve integrated a powerful lesson thanks to F - it was truly needed.
I asked myself the following questions last night: « Would I date me? » « Would I turn to myself for advice or comfort?» « Would I want myself around in times of crisis?» « Would I want to experience loss in my own company?» « Would I want to travel to foreign lands with someone like me? » « Would I share a secluded space with me?» « Would I want to be broke with me? » « Would I want to celebrate wins with me? » « Would I confide in me? » « Would I trust myself? »
« Would I bring me to my parents? » « Would I want to break bad news to me? « Would I invest in me?» « Would I feel same to cry in my presence?» All of these are great questions which may help to bring things into perspective if answered honestly. When it comes to me, the answers to all of the above is unequivocally yes. I am far from perfect and I have a long way to go in my healing journey, but i am finally at a place where I am really appreciating my own company and can circle the affirmative all across the board. I would most certainly want to befriend or be romantically involved with someone like me - no hesitation. I feel I most definitely deserve and desire someone as thoughtful and radically honest as I am. Any man who has me in his corner, independently of how much money he makes and what status he occupies in society would be blessed beyond measures. I am a gift. Call it an opinion; I regard it as a fact. My job at this time is to surrender fear, master detachment and focus as much as possible on healing.
I can relax in the knowing that I am already a magnet for the finest specimens I could attract at this stage. The higher you vibrate, the better are the connections you attract - platonic or romantic. It’s not a speculation, it’s quantum physics. I’ve been experiencing a significant level up in energetic pulls since December. It may not be F but I do believe that the next connection I enter into will be just as good, if not better suited for me, and when it comes I’ll be ready to receive it with grounded appreciation and open arms. Truth is I feel ready for next but I may not be. Perhaps I cannot see just how much more cleansing is required. Perhaps I need more time. I’m here, doing it though. In case I’m not yet ready, I trust that I’ll be put through extracurricular lessons in order for me to collect what I’m meant to assimilate during this preparatory phase. Unconditional love is bred from within. There is nothing to fear or worry about - my timing will remain impeccable, as it has always been. So will yours. Don’t doubt it. Today, like everyday, I am sending love and light to my inner child. Yours too. We’re going to get through these highs and lows pal - life is beautiful. Can I forgive myself for getting in my own way? Yes. I choose to forgive myself every time. You should too. I also choose to do my best in keeping myself accountable as it relates to noticing when I’m falling into old patterns. I choose to meet myself with a heightened awareness and breathe into the new me. I could give my inner critic all the power and remain locked in dated and negative storylines but what kind of life would that be - I’d much rather challenge my own self limiting beliefs and seek new opportunities for expansion. I feel I have to protect the work I’ve done on myself at all cost. The time, money, and efforts poured into my own healing is accruing in value year after year. Health is the greatest of all investments in my eyes. Here’s to growth and being here for myself through it all. It was a rough past couple of weeks heavily marked by self doubt. Instead of focusing on what I was meant to see and heal, I had internalized F’s perception of me as being the image that I should have of myself. Triggered by rejection, I felt poked by feelings of inadequacy I had not felt in a long time. Writing this has helped in rationalizing and letting go of it. Writing this has helped with lovingly releasing and detaching myself from F’s energy. Writing this has allowed for the medicine to seep into my abandonment wounds. I will sleep lighter tonight. Time for a joint - this was therapeutic.