Yesterday was a bit off. I usually wake up between 5 ish and 8 ish. I get out of the bed right away for a bathroom trip, I drink water and walk around the house to check if anything need to be cleaned from the night before. The pups don’t usually need to go out until about 9 ish 10. Especially Maya, who enjoys slow mornings. Rio kind of just follow the lead, unless he really needs to go. If that’s the case, I can count on him to let me know. He’s very straightforward with his demands and knows how to get anyone’s attention. These dogs are too damn smart. Yesterday I woke up later than usual, around 9:30 am, but didn’t really want to get out of bed. I didn’t feel rested and wasn’t in the best of moods. I spent some time stewing and attempted to journal but, despite being harassed with thoughts, I couldn’t get them out. I encounter this paradox at times, when trying to engage in my regular practice. I’d have these thoughts in my head, I’d feel them stifling me, I’d have hours long conversations in my head working out what’s bothering me and why but comes the time to write them down, I’d feel too energetically drained from the mental acrobatic session I just had to actually journal about it. However, for as long as I keep it stored in my head, I find that these thoughts will continue to pop up on the main stage of my psyche, interfering with whatever task I have to handle in the moment, siphoning my energy away and quite literally harassing me. I journal to empty the mind. I can detangle everything in my head, which is what I’m automatically called to do. Still, if I don’t find a way to literally get these thoughts out, in my experience, they won’t go anywhere. They’ll sit in there and get amplified. The issue is that by the time I’m finished breaking down an emotion, problem, or pattern, I sometimes feel too tired to synthesize and release it. I’ve been wresting with a particular dilemma for about two weeks and it’s slowly coming to a head. I don’t have the energy to write about it but while I’m “holding on” to it, I find that it has become relentless. For a while now, it’s been one of the things I’ve been thinking about in the morning, throughout the day and again at night. It’s draining my life force and I want to flush it, but by the same token, I also have no desire to write about it because I’m fully aware that doing so will be exhausting… It’s been a strange dance of trying to ignore these thoughts and refocus my attention on what demands my immediate attention (AKA material responsibilities and daily tasks) but then again I know that isn’t a permanent fix. In delaying it, I’m only playing myself. It’s like having a monkey on my shoulder, continuously poking me, distracting me, and getting me off balance. It resulted in me being grumpy and impatient yesterday. I linked up with my business partner in the afternoon to go over our current inventory and get started on our renovation projects. I found that I was feeling triggered by innocents jokes and comments that would usually have no such impact on me whatsoever. Him & I have a really close bond. We call each other out without, gracefully take each other’s advice and roast each other constantly. His sharp wit and sarcasm usually amuse me. He’s mellow but has a great sense of humor. However, yesterday, I didn’t find any of it funny. I was irritable and realized I just wanted to go to my room and journal - or sleep. I’ve got so much on my mind and despite it all being connected I just don’t know where to start - it’s a lot. It can be overwhelming at times. On a brighter note, B brought home beef stroganoff, striped bass and ratatouille. Thank God for that! 

Comfort food gets me right every time. My darling friend J who is a writer shared with me yesterday that she had maintained a monthly column for 4 years in which she was being publicly open about the rawness of her feelings. Until that moment, I hadn’t disclose to her that I had been doing this. It’s very possible that she might have checked out my website and found out what I’ve been up to - I don’t know. I didn’t ask because it was irrelevant to me. What mattered most is just how close to her I felt in that moment. It validated and strengthened my current endeavor in a way that made me feel seen and, more importantly, understood. She feels me. We feel each other. She told me that I had breathed life back into her the other day with my words, when she was feeling low. She sensed that I knew exactly where she was coming from. What she doesn’t - yet [I will be telling her this] is that I have been devouring her words since I found her column. So much of it resonates with me. I catch myself reading her and feeling like it could have been written by me. I thought to myself: “is this how it feels to befriend a mirrored soul?” Kindred spirits we are indeed, I don’t doubt it. I was surprised to find out that J is in her mid forties. Her youthful looks got me to assume she was a decade younger. She is a strong, beautiful and fascinating woman. One day, maybe, I’ll share more about her background and just how much her individual story has inspired me. I landed on a post this morning which stated that it is crucial to share our struggles because we heal through connectedness. Talking helps us to process the events in our life and, in doing so, stigmas and spells are broken leaving more room for compassion and acceptance. To share our struggles, not from a place of self pity but rather authenticity, is an act of love. We are empowered through connectedness and as our journeys may become a survival guide for other sentient beings. In sharing our struggles with those around us, we tend to attract the support that we need to press forward - without trying. Not only that, we send a signal to the people around you that makes them feel safe to come as they are. Being radically honest send an invitation to the people we interact with to put their guards down, ditch the social masks and share freely. I used to bottle everything in. By everything, I mean EVERYTHING. My conditioning was so deeply ingrained in me, my goodness… I had zero clue how to name or express my innermost feelings. I wouldn’t allow myself to go there due to how terrifying it seemed. I had it all backward. In my mind, being vulnerable was the ultimate sign of weakness. No one could know what was going on inside. I suppose not even myself. I was always fine. Everything was always under control. I was always thriving. I was always happy. I was always in a great place. It caused me to live in great delusion, inauthenticity and agonizing pain for many years. Not sharing my struggles nearly killed me. Nowadays, I feel most aligned and empowered when being radically honest with those around. I don’t care if I’ve known you for an hour. If the circumstance call for something to be shared, I will do just that. If I feel it may help you, I will most definitely do just that. For example, not too long ago I had a girl’s night planned with a pal I hadn’t connected with in a while. We had been looking forward to that and had spent time looking up restaurant menus and cocktail bars in the west LA area, etc. My friend has two children therefor it’s not often she can squeeze time to go out for the night and catch up in person. I’ve also been looking forward to exploring the nightlife in this part of town as it is my new stomping ground. The day of our meet up, unexpected expenses came up on my end and I could no longer comfortably go out and enjoy a nice dinner and drinks as planned. By fear of disappointing my friend and being seen in a different light, my younger people-pleasing and highly insecure self would have scraped every last dollar to be able to keep my commitment even though I couldn’t afford to - resulting in me being spread thin, anxious and stressed out after the fact. I don’t pretend anymore. I can’t. My soul won’t let me create unnecessary problems for myself just so I can accommodate others or preserve a false image. I was very honest with her and said: “Listen, I really wanted to check out this place and was very excited for our night out but I just came back from a trip to Costco and spent more than I had anticipated. After paying rent and bills this month (It was the 1st or 2nd - can’t remember) I just don’t think it’s wise for me to go out tonight after all.” I also volunteer to tell her this, so she’d have more context: “Since my divorce, it’s taken times to recalibrate and it’s been challenging financially. I still have debts to clear and must be very careful about my spending. Would you be down to meet earlier for happy hour instead. Otherwise, perhaps we can meet a bit later for a drink. I just can’t do dinner because if i do, I want to be able to enjoy it. No point in going out so I can nickel and dime my way out of the restaurant.” Sadly she couldn’t meet earlier because she was all the way in Long Beach. She couldn’t meet late either because she had a busy one the next day. We decided to reschedule and that’s exactly what needed to happen. I didn’t try to force anything. I simply accepted my circumstances and it felt really being honest about it. Besides, I had a refrigerator and freezer packed with food so I couldn’t justify it to myself to go spend more money elsewhere. Just a few days ago, a reiki healer and fellow young black woman reached out to me on instagram. R does energy work and is involved with some really awesome initiatives that peeked my interest right away. Her business partner is set to host a local festival at the end of the summer and she is in charge of the lineup of healing activities. She thought I could be a good fit for it in case I may be interested. I sure was but I did take some time to reply. I was caught up in furniture pick ups and needed more time to think about what I had to offer to something like this. I eventually replied and was very honest with her. I thanked her for the opportunity but told her I was in the midst of a particularly hectic week, trying to make ends meet and feeling a bit stressed out when I received her message. July had been my most challenging month since my divorce, from a financial standpoint, and so I had been mostly preoccupied with that. I also shared that I was feeling a bit of nervousness associated with stepping into that role and putting myself out there like that. Although my heart was in it and the Universe was clearly responding to my heart’s desire by putting her and other healers like Z, J and A on my path, I just didn’t know that I was ready or able to contribute in a significant way. She kindly received everything I had to say, offered me a free reiki session to help balance my chakras and suggested that we meet up soon for tea to chat about ways we could be of assistance to each other. I think that’s fucking beautiful… I’ve never even heard that woman’s voice. Lately, I’ve kept on noting that people who weren’t in the picture just a minute ago have stepped in and offered more to me than people in my bloodline. They’ve added value to my life simply with their presence. To give someone your energy, time, attention and care is the greatest of all gift. When I told J that I had been stressed out, she readily offered to pencil me in for an oracle reading. Find your community - I can’t stress that enough. How do you magnetize yourself to effortlessly attract your tribe? You do that by speaking your truth and showing up as your most authentic self, day in and day out. The people who are meant to join in on your journey, support your wellbeing and help you manifest your dreams as opposed to delaying them will present themselves - it’s law. If the people around can’t see you, soon you’ll forget who you are and that right there is worse than physical death. It’s spiritual death. It’s tragedy. As I’m wrapping up this entry, I notice that I have received a text from A who shared a motivational quote by Daisaku Ikeda, J shared a soundsystem remix of Soul Rebel by Bob Marley to wish me a beautiful day and my friend S who just got back in town invited me to a pop up yoga event on the beach tonight - how lovely is that? To think that just two years ago my mind would tell me that if I died, no one other than my mother and father would truly care - that if i disappeared, no one would notice. Never trust the voice in your head when you are in turmoil. I can’t recall who said this but it just came to me so I’ll share it: “When you are going through Hell, keep going.” It gets better. Everything is temporary. Everything can be changed. My life is simpler and yet richer these days. My life is more beautiful than ever thanks to these precious soul who value me as much as I value them and give of themselves with pure intentions. My life is enthralling and wildly magical thanks to the deeply intimate relationship I so happily cultivate with myself and the Spirit that resides within. It’s been realer than real. It’s been better than good. On that note, I’m going to have a fantastic day. I hope you do too. When things get rough remember to count your blessings. Heck, write them down. Today. Tomorrow. The day after. Make a habit of it. More blessings will come you way - I promise you. God is on your side. Divine powers are protecting you. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

#LawOfAttraction #VulnerabilityIsStrength #ManifestationIsReal #TheMiddleWay #CatchAndRelease #TellTheWorld #ShareYourStory #ActOfService #AcceptanceIsKey #RadicalHonesty  #HealingJourney #ActiveHealing #CosmicPower #FreeMind #KindredSpirit #SoulTribe