Gumbo from scratch.

I was on the brink of writing an entry about a recent connection when I got caught in an honest moment of reflection over the sudden realization that this blog is now dangerously flirting with the class of relationship blogs mimicking miss Bradshaw’s dating chronicle in the city that never sleeps. In the broader sense, it seems to be turning into a blog about creative expression and relationships, none of which I consider myself an expert at. One could say that I am a Jill of all trades and a master of none; I am forever a student of life, with varied interests, skills and ever changing needs. I am an ever evolving manifesting generator. Just like it is with all other things in life, I find myself in an uninterrupted process of mastering love, mastering truth, mastering self expression, mastering wellness, and mastering detachment. I am nowhere near the finish line and I’m not betting on ever getting “there” but I am dedicated to staying on course no matter what - I don’t intend to quit learning and improving the work I’m doing on myself until the second I perish. It’s true: I am the grand project of my life. I am the genesis and masterpiece in my private art collection. The art that I am as a whole being creates more art in order to artfully express and experience itself. My duty has a human being is to grow and transcend my own limitations. It is my beginning and my end. I know it. I understand it. I unreservedly embrace this mission. In committing myself to exploring what that means for me, to the full extent, I accept that the contract I’ve entered into is meant to last a lifetime. It does not expire at age 55 or 79. I will be creating and reinventing myself until my time runs out. Needless to reiterate that I am not an expert in relationships, far from it. I’m not here to give anyone directions on how to navigate their heart space. I’m only here to share my perspective, straight from the heart and strictly from experience. I suppose this is turning into a blog about healing of one’s emotional history and I’m okay with it. “Here, this is what healing looks like for me - what about you? Let’s talk about it!” I’ve said this before and I’ll repeat it one more time: I am unafraid of making a fool out of myself. So long as the net sum of my efforts is transmuted into something positive, other people’s opinion of me or what I elect to do with my pain doesn’t matter all that much. Those who will resonate with this content are those it is meant to reach. I now regard this as an experiment of sort. I’m not entirely sure where it’s headed just yet but I’m fine with volunteering as the test subject for how honest and vulnerable I wish others would allow themselves to be. I’m essentially in the process of actively freeing my mind, taking things day by day, reacting to life in real time, and recording it for all to see. One of my motivations rests on confronting my fears, dissolving feelings doubts, shame and guilt from my psyche. To me, that’s brave. The risk is in publicly crashing and being ridiculed but, really, who the fuck cares? I’d rather be true. It’s a risk I’m willing to take with the vision I hold in mind. I’m giving this a shot as I feel I’ll be better for it in the long run, but of course time will tell. Frankly put, I feel that I already am better for it - it’s been a profoundly healing experience so far. It’s hard to talk to people these days. I’m just so different now. Below a certain threshold there is simply no resonance - not much will take shape if it’s not a vibrational match. Only those who have accepted themselves and have genuine love for themselves seem to align with my current frequency. This adjustment period is a lonely place to be but it is now clear to me that there is no other place for me to dwell in. If the company fails to uplift or stimulate me, I’d much rather not be disturbed. My time with self is quite precious to me. I long for connections of spiritual essence but I realize I ought to be patient with my own becoming and manifesting abilities. I ought to keep my faith in the process and focus on the community work I have in heart and mind to do. In due time, a bigger picture will emerge, connecting legion of missing dots and bringing together hearts meant to walk the same paths. As timelines shift, I feel the right people are being pulled into my reality. As I elevate my mind and purify my heart, I can feel my being increasingly becoming magnetic to soul pouring individuals. It’s simultaneously becoming easier and easier to detect those who do not belong in my sphere. For all of this to be possible, honesty and consistency are key. There’s no other way to be than being true to who I am no matter how frightening and strange it may feel to lay it all out. My goal is set on being my most authentic self and honoring my feelings - no matter what. I trust my instinct fully - I’m certain future me will thank me for it. The way I see it, so long as I’m fair and true, I cannot really mess anything up. This is not a relationship blog. This is not a blog about abuse. It is blog on experiential learning with a focus on self knowledge, self healing, self love, sustainability and metaphysics. I had to check in with myself, ask myself how I felt about it possibly being mislabeled and misconstrued by some of the people around me. It’s not that it would be a big deal if it happened - I simply desired to explore these questions out of curiosity. I circled back to the conclusion that if I indeed consider healing to be the purpose, it only makes sense that I dedicate to reviewing and healing my emotional history if I am to transcend the long term impact of these emotional wounds. That’s what I’m publicly doing here and that’s what I will continue to do - if you didn’t know, now you know. Not long ago, I shared with someone I had just met that it recently dawned on me what my role on this planet is. When you boil things down to the nectar of life, it is crystal clear to me that I am here to expand in love as I rid myself of fear. Each heartbreak only seem to have maximized my capacity to love. Each loss has cleared the way for something even more wonderful to enter my life. Why fear endings when they lead to new beginnings?  We attach ourselves to a singular option or outcome by fear of not coming across anything better. Truth is that we exist in abundance - blind to it. I don’t believe in ownership. No one belongs to me. I belong to no one. People will come and go. The only certainty is that there is no certainty. All can change in an instant. A connection that comes to an end is simply opening up the field of possibilities, creating new opportunities for something beautiful to arise. Such is life. I press on putting my best foot forward; resilience and hope have taken me the long way. When I truly let go of what no longer serves me, assuming the best has yet to come, I set myself up for the most magnificent surprises. This is not some vanilla cliché concept; it’s quantum mechanics. It has happened enough times for me to have unwavering faith in the magic of new beginnings. The world is our oyster; there are no failures, accidents or losses. There are only opportunities for higher learning and spiritual growth. I met S not long ago and our rhythm synched up perfectly from the moment we engaged with one another. It came as a surprise I really was not expecting. I quickly took note of how present and thoughtful he was. I must say, S is truly the sensible kind. In no time he had casually said a handful of things that deeply touched me, things which got me to thank the Universe for his gentle heart. I wasn’t fishing for any of it; these things just rolled off his tongue. I kind of sat back, relaxed and let S reveal himself to me. Like me, he wears his heart on his sleeve and gives off himself generously. He is forthcoming about his insecurities and straightforward with his intentions. He owns who he is and focuses his energy on what matters most to him. I wrote in a previous post that I’d wholeheartedly seek and be pleased to be in a relationship with someone who operates like me and has a heart as open as mine. Careful what you ask for, right? S and I flowed almost too perfectly. Our minds think alike, our emotional cues are alike, some of our previous emotional experiences and attachments are very similar, resulting in similar triggers and an almost immediate deep understanding of each other’s emotional space and needs. It felt very refreshing to the both of us. Our perspectives and philosophies converge with the tendency to overlap or complete one another. More than anything else, I truly appreciate S for nurturing our bond by consistently asking questions that would prompt one to pause, ponder, excavate memories, synthesize information, smile, reflect, dive deep and occasionally adopt a new point of view. S asks truly thoughtful questions, ones that challenge you to unravel but make you feel safe in doin so - excellent ones. S methodically inquires without coming across as intrusive. His interest is genuine and he is an active listener. I absolutely adore that about him. His light is a lovely warm thing. It was going strangely well though, I thought. We sounded about the same. We reacted in the same way to things popping up in the conversation. We had a similar sense of humor. S was so interesting, interested and kind that I started questioning it. I started giving into feelings of doubts laced with a certain paranoia. When you’ve been gaslit for years, there’s no escaping the sound of alarm bells in the background urging one to proceed with caution when it presents as too good be true. There was tremendous mirroring taking place and I couldn’t know for certain if it was spontaneous or feigned, organic or orchestrated. One thing that’s been drilled in my psyche after consuming a couple thousand pages of material on personality disorders is that a narcissist’s MO is to study all there is to know about a target. Using lies and deceit to implant themselves into the target’s life, a narc will pretend to genuinely like everything that you’re about, mirroring your personality traits back to you - impersonating you to pass as a kindred spirit. A “soul” tie is quickly forged as a result of seemingly unmatched chemistry, one that is entirely based on the illusion of having entered a soul connection with a soul mate. In reality, we have gotten ourselves involved in a karmic bond leading us to repeat a toxic cycle in our life until specific lessons are learned for the spell to be broken. Wondering how S could be saying all the right things at every turn, green flags became red. Coming to my “rescue”, I was reminded by the voice of the ego that my website is linked to my Instagram account. My story is pretty much out in the open now and so is everything that I am about and everything that I seek. S could have easily done his due diligence. Who knows, S could be another imposter. It was just strange how we expressed ourselves in such similar fashion, using the exact same terminology and expressions at times. Could this be an authentic soul tie? Regardless of my personal motives, the peril in electing to be transparent with the world is that I’m essentially giving myself away as target practice. Due to the fact that I’ve broadcasted aspects of my story to ensure protection, I inevitably question people’s intentions towards me. Now more so than ever - my peace was hard earned. Of course such outcome was entirely predictable. I have carefully considered the ramifications of going public with my truth but decided to follow through with it anyway. Believe me, it was not the easier choice. Being vulnerable comes at a cost, but the tradeoff delivered an agent of peace I couldn’t turn away from. Again, there’s a price we pay for peace. Being vulnerable was the best choice - for me. S’s energy came across as particularly similar to mine. From the get go, he seemed to be as much of an open book. Not only did he ask thoughtful questions that would get me to reflect on a variety of things, he really took his time to give elaborate answers and would happily get lost in deep thoughts when interacting with me. He would write paragraphs detailing his culinary experiences, career history, or taste in music, painting pictures for me to see him clearly. Talking about music, he almost immediately touched on that and volunteered to send me links. In parallel to our conversation we started communicating sonically by sharing tracks with each other and I thought: “Wow, so this is what it’s like to experience my own energy?” He said and did a number of things I’d naturally be called to say and do, before I thought to say or do them. I was elated to have crossed path with someone who was instinctively willing to go to these places with me, someone so open to sharing and connecting on a deeper level. He kept the conversation going, setting a pace that worked for us both, consistently asking for more information. Although it didn’t feel like prying, it was nevertheless nice but strange. I was both turned on and off by the fact that we used the same verbiage, same expressions, same tone. I had apprehensions. I told myself: “Look, these matches are getting more and more accurate. Didn’t I tell you that manifestation is real - baby. Don’t trip. You’ll be quick to find out if it whether it’s an act or it’s genuine when the opportunity for an in-person meeting presents itself. Just wait and see.” My intuition has been strengthened to a point where I have complete faith in my ability to pick up on subtle cues and trust in whatever they are telling me. I have spent enough time in crisis and fight or flight mode to know exactly how my body feels when my subconscious mind perceives a threat I am not consciously recognizing. For many years I was so disconnected from myself, my body, my feelings, and my intuition that my body no longer settled for gentle nudges; it was forced to resort to other methods. The nervous system is its own technology and the body keeps the score. It screams at me if it senses any form of impending danger. I feel it when the volume is increasing or fades away into stillness. I can measure danger by the intensity of the warning signs. There is no ignoring my intuition anymore; it won’t let me. It holds the reins when it comes to decision making. It is the highest authority in my domain. I felt comfortable knowing that I would get a chance to read his energy in person sooner or later. I decided to relax and assume the best. We exchanged quite a bit, but this time I wasn’t as consumed with it as I was with F. No need to rush to reply, he wasn’t going anywhere - it was perfectly fine for me to carry on with what I was doing and delay the exchange at times. Chances are you’ll find this ludicrous but there was a point in the conversation where I felt the need to wipe down the oven while noticing incoming messages waiting to be read. I stuck with the task at hand. Perhaps it was my subconscious putting me to the test to see what I’d prioritize, I can’t say for sure. All I know is that I wasn’t trying to unnecessarily make him wait. I merely thought it was good practice to show restrain and prioritize what I was focused on in that moment, no matter how trivial or small it was. I’m fully aware that this may sound absolutely ridiculous but I’m dead serious about mastering detachment and healing from deep rooted codependency patterns. I have to consistently push myself to rewire my thoughts in an effort to strengthen the neural pathways which support a different response than that of continuous self sacrifice. A man can wait, even if I am greatly interested in him - cleaning the oven, watering my plants, bonding with my dogs or taking time for myself comes first - if I say so. S was polite and sweet. Generous with his time. Thoughtful and attentive. Although I never asked, whenever he’d take longer usual to reply, he would take a moment to reach out and let me know why. He would purposely avoid ever leaving me hanging and went out of his way, every chance he got, to demonstrate his appreciation for me. We went out for dinner and instantly clicked in person. I indeed felt safe and uplifted in his presence. He was a perfect gentlemen. S is the same age as F and J, which got me wondering if there was something to it. Eleven years? Eleven… Interesting. S is bubbly, funny, positive, spontaneous, easy to talk to, with just the right amount of sass. S is open minded, patient, respectful, full of surprises…S is great company. He is passionate about work but not married to it. He values the simple things in life. He doesn’t really drink nor smoke. He cares well for himself, his things, and plants. Not a couple but a whole lot of them, most of which were rescued. That, to me speaks volume as to the kind of person that he is - I find that minor details are most informative the more I unpack their meaning. He speaks openly about his life, his experiences, his trauma and he doesn’t seem to hold back. Like me, he’s been repeatedly burnt in every relationship capacity; whether it be relationships with sibling, relationships with friends, or relationships with romantic partners. As described above, there was instant mutual recognition, appreciation, understanding and acceptance. The both of us have been damaged by depleting relationships with energy vampires. The both of us are prime targets for takers. The both of us tend to overextend, overcommit and overexplain ourselves, all of which are trauma responses. Trust is earned at this point. Although we both tend to magnify the best qualities in people, often to our detriment, we immediately felt at ease with each other. I feel we both sensed that we were interfacing with a fellow empath - we both knew we were in good hands. On top of recently getting out of a long term relationship, S recently lost a close friend and was very shaken about it. We shared a touching moment as he reminisced fondly of her, expressing his gratitude for the wonderful influence she has had in his life. He said I reminded him of her - our energies felt similar. Having done some inner work, we were both mindful to regularly pump the breaks in order to avoid falling in the realm of trauma bonding. We shared stories but didn’t dwell on any specific topic; neither of us wanted to connect from a place of hurt more than necessary. We kept on flowing, showing up as honestly as we possibly could. We truly had a marvelous time. It wasn’t heavy. We were both aware of each other’s hypersensitivity. We were both wide open and highly cooperative. We were both very giving with each other, very enthusiastic around one another, very interested in each other’s perspectives, very deliberate about holding space for one another and very respectful of each other’s experience - always checking in to make sure the other was feeling fine. On top of everything else, S is also particularly affectionate. He pays great attention to details. He remembers the important stuff. He takes notes. He is flexible. He is assertive but not dominating. He is a charming and truly sweet man for who peace and healing are also of high value. It seems he desires something meaningful just like I do but an underlying feeling caused me to pause for a moment and question the connection entirely; one thing that I’ve observed about me is that despite being rather spontaneous and adaptable I tend to project myself well into the future. I’m quick to take a leap of faith but it requires vision. It has to fit. I have to have a clear image of the future in order for me to confidently move in one direction or another. I don’t require a thorough plan to take a leap and that can be problematic at times - it’s true. However, I won’t jump off a cliff without having prefaced multiple realistic scenarios and desired outcomes to progress towards. In all of the relationship in which I surrendered and fully committed to the connection, I had crafted an elaborate image of the future from the onset. Often a result of hopeful projections, things may have not unfolded the way I planned but what required me to get involved and work at it was the vision I cultivated of the potential my heart thought to have recognized. With the devils I know, aka the pervert narcs in my life, this vision was built through future faking, impersonation, deceit and lies. In spite of the illusion of strong foundations, these relationships had no legs. In some cases though, plans changed, interests drifted, and we simple grew apart. I feel I subconsciously and deliberately sabotaged the connection in which I couldn’t project myself into the future because parts of me felt it wasn’t going anywhere anyway - it was best it ended sooner than later. There are better ways to go about putting an end to a relationship in which we feel we are stalling but I didn’t know then what I know now. I systematically had one foot out the door, withdrawing from my feelings, resistant to giving the connection the attention it needed. It was not only selfish it was hindering any prospect for progress and flourishing intimacy. In this case, I’m not sure that I’m seeing a straight line with S the way I did with J at some point of time, or F. To be completely honest, F still swim laps in my head. I find myself wondering how he is doing and what he is up to. I’m struggling a bit to shake the feeling of a missed soul connection but I counteract these thoughts with affirmations reminding me that what’s meant for me will not only find its way to me but will also stick around for the best of reasons. It’s been difficult to clear F from my energetic field and fully detach myself from the idea I have of him, but I have no desire to be a prisoner of Spring when it’s currently Summer. I won’t deny myself the privilege of getting to know someone as lovely as S. I have to keep moving, release the past and ground myself in the present moment. I don’t know that I see a future that would make sense just yet but I am open to exploring this new connection with radical honesty and unmitigated openness to the many possibilities that lie ahead. At this time, I am not attaching any expectations or outcome to this connection. I am simply enjoying each moment and showing gratitude for what is offered to me. I am pacing myself to figure out if it’s right for me and give myself full permission to retreat at any point, if called for. I have the feeling that this connection is coming to pass at a time where I’m most in need of tender loving care. I feel we are more than equipped to give each other exactly what each of us seeks in a partner, fostering a warm and healing environment for one another, one in which we both feel safe and appreciated. Where do we go from here? I have no idea and that’s okay, but I’m looking forward to getting to know S on a deeper level. Now guess who’s got plans to cook a gumbo from scratch on memorial day? That’s right, this funky blue eyed man hailing from the Texan desert is taking me on a shopping spree today to raid the spice and fish market so we can gather the finest ingredients to make gumbo from scratch in his beautiful plant filled kitchen. We’ll make a day of this culinary excursion, collecting everything needed for a home cooked feast for two. This legendary meal takes hours to prepare correctly. I’ve never made gumbo before and I’m very excited to learn. I’m in charge of supplying the mezcal to make us jalapeño mezcalrita; S put is order in so I have to oblige. Grateful for kindred spirits like S, the ones who wear their heart on their sleeves and stay true to who they are - flaws and all. Grateful for the universe bringing into my life souls operating from a love based consciousness that does not seek to compete, dominate or possess. Grateful for people who are sincere and give from the heart, with no ulterior motives.


What a radiant being S is. I’m impressed with all that emanated from him. This man is genuinely kind - his energy is soothing. It’s been truly nice. Grateful for days like yesterday. I am so deeply sensitive to other people’s energy; I easily get drained. Not around S. He is a giver who gives from the heart. We went on a hike early this morning and I got to meet one of his closest friend and her pugs. It was lovely. Grief has brought them closer together - they share a beautiful bond and often reminisce of their dearly departed and beloved friend. I felt recharged in their company. They try and go on hikes every morning and have invited me to join. I’ve been pushing myself to socialize more these days and plan on showing up again tomorrow, bright and early. T, his friend, his vegan. We are already planning to host a family style dinner soon. Perhaps, at my place? This is the right kind of energy and influences I need in my life at this time; happy to welcome the both of them into my space for a shared meal and belly laughs. It turns out; the world is full of good people but good people are harder to come across than I used to think. My housemate V would make a perfect addition to the mix. Sharing space with him has been a blessing and they’re likely to get along great.

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