I need to watch myself. Lately I’ve been indulging way too much when it comes to food, more especially carbs and sweet. When not feeling emotionally fulfilled and / or supported, I tend to compensate with food, exercising poor self control. It delights me. It soothes my soul. Deriving pleasure from taste provides instant gratification - a drug, for sure. A large chunk of the global population is addicted to food in one way or another. Many are unaware of the dysfunctional nature of their relationship with nutrition, or the root cause of such dysfunction whilst food constitutes, in fact, our primary source of addiction. I used to frequently binge. Eat until it hurts was a satisfactory outcome and, so long as it tasted good - not even great, it didn’t matter what it was or how it could affect my system. Of course I see parallels here with other areas of my life. I’d have to be blind if I didn’t. I used to have a strange and clearly dysfunctional relationship with proper nutrition and wellness in general. My approach was to kick a problem down the road until I could no longer ignore it, resulting in utter and complete misattunement to my own body, my physical needs and overall health.
Nothing really prepared me for these changes in the nervous and metabolic system either. I would hear about it from the older generations but it didn’t quite register that it would apply to me, so soon. When you’re young you feel as though you’ll be young forever and ever. As you reach 28 - 29 years old, it starts to sink in that change is coming. The body is less lenient and forgiving when it comes to processing food. At least, that was the case for me. By age 30, the body had taken a proper beating and starts setting things straight with or without your participation, violently protesting any form of self harm. My relationship with myself, my body and eating habits has drastically evolved. I’d say, for the better. I no longer find pleasure in swallowing unreasonable quantities of food that overwhelm my system and make me feel uneasy. I can’t afford to. It’s simply not worth it to me. However, something else has changed. I used to not be fond of sugary treats and wouldn’t even touch my birthday cakes. For two decades, the dessert section was the least tantalizing part of the menu but there has been a complete reassessment of my palette. I now crave sugar and I crave often. I’ve been eating my heart out since early this Spring, stuffing my belly with sweets and carbs. I’m starting to feel the effect of semi reckless behaviors. At first I was simply on track to reach my normal / ideal weight after melting down to skin and bones over the winter. Let’s just say that I’ve gone beyond my targeted weight, which I am pleased with. It has gone in all of the right places but I feel we’ve reached the threshold of pleasure vs pain as it’s now affecting my skin and energy level. My digestive system isn’t reacting strongly just yet but it feels slowed down and overloaded. Perhaps it’s a good time for me to do a juice cleanse or a fast. By the way, I’m writing all of this after filling my Amazon cart with beloved brookies, blueberries muffins, assorted danishes and orange cranberry scones. If you could take a bite out of these scones you’d understand my predicament. Now the good news is that I didn’t (yet) place the order. I told myself I’d lay off of the sugar but, as you know, sugar is an addiction and I’m officially hooked. Let’s see if I can demonstrate some level of discipline after I smoke this medicinal - because when it hits, you know it hits… The last time I had scones in this house I swallowed the entire box in two days. Perhaps what I need to so is quit smoking as well - right? But then again, what am I to do with creeping anxiety and sleep deprivation? At least, with medicinal, it’s guaranteed that I eat well, sleep well, relax and create - which is exactly what I need at this time. What am I supposed to do; live with this overactive brain and the not so pleasant memories it holds 24 /7 without getting blazed? Hah… Well, that’s where meditation comes into play, I suppose. It always boils down to it, doesn’t it? Why fix what’s not broken - meditation is the cornerstone of balance, wellness and mindfulness. See, in truth I’ve got all the answers to my existential problems. So it’s decided: less weed, less sugar, more meditation, more movement. I can do that!

Update: I purchased only the box of orange cranberries scones but it’s practically impossible to stay away from it! My housemate V doesn’t like sweet so I guess I’m stuck with the task of eating them all… Hey, I’m only human! I toned it down a notch, that’s progress - nah?

#JournalEntry #EmotionalEater #SugarAddiction #GoodFood #SelfControl