On the topic of abandonment wound, believe me there’s more. And before F, there was J. Not J from my twenties whom I previously referred to as the one who got away - not that J. Another J. It was a couple of months after the big split. Extreme isolation was taking its toll and I was in dire need of a trusted confident - someone to freely talk to. I was also most definitely seeking a sweet distraction from the hell I was in the process of extracting myself from. Let’s just say that it was a very lonely and challenging period for me. When I came across J’s page I stopped dead in my tracks. I mean, what a handsome man - beyond gorgeous. He was 41 but looked not a day over 35 and was aging wonderfully. He was tall - about 6’4”, athletic but not ripped, with a chiseled slender body and muscular arms. He had light colored eyes, curly locks, a bright smile, and lovely hands. He mentioned being trilingual and made a subtle reference to energetics / frequency on his profile. He also put forward that he was a single dad going through a divorce and trying to make a difference in the world. I swiped right - instant match. He dressed unassumingly well and looked like a GQ model. Except he wasn’t - J was much cooler than that! See, J restores wild habitat and aid in protecting endangered species for a living. As soon as we began engaging with each other, he went on to share details about his non profit’s mission, their track records, and the many roles he had occupied within the organization. He was actively involved in his local community and very passionate about the tasks at hand. All of it was music to my ear; what a special calling and interesting pursuit. I absolutely loved that about him. Generally speaking, I have immense respect for anyone investing time and energy in protecting and healing the environment. It was no different with him; I thought it was phenomenal that he had chosen this path. With all that had been accomplished, the organization he served was truly making a difference and J seemed to have been instrumental in their most ambitious projects to date. Originally from the beautiful state of Utah, which I adore, J had spent some time doing non profit work in Brazil during his youth. He was therefore fluent in Portuguese, a language I’ve always considered to be the most sensual and appealing of all. He cooked. He loved to dance. There was a certain edge to him too; J had a thing for height, parkour and exploring what he fondly referred to as the urban wilderness. He would get his adrenaline rush from detecting points of entry into private, disused or decommissioned buildings with restricted access for the general public. Free climbing and hanging off the top of buildings was involved. He was a daredevil who cultivated deeper underlying motives for engaging in risky adventures and his motives sort of made sense. It wasn’t a typical hobby but I could see and understand where his need for thrill was coming from. He had managed to remain partly untamed in a civilized world and was damn proud of it. Strange things started to happen from the moment we connected and I couldn’t escape the synchronicities popping up around me as our world collided. Too many to mentions. We instantly felt at home interacting with each other; the pull was magnetic. We talked for hours, about anything and everything. Although we had drastically different upbringings, there were a number of uncanny similarities between the two of us. We were both products of small minded microcosmic communities. J grew up exploring the wild terrains of Utah within the confines of deep rooted religious dogmas. He was part of a surprisingly big family, which isn’t such a strange thing where I’m from. Both my parents were apart of a long lineage of practicing muslims and had also inherited a robust conditioning. They weren’t particularly strict in terms of religious beliefs and practices, that is to say that we weren’t forced to practice in the same way they would, but they had their limitations. Being the youngest daughter of a brilliant diplomatic agent and a self made entrepreneur, I was raised to walk a straight line. My environment growing up was semi rigid and highly structured, with little room for emotions or open displays of affection. Both J and I had very trying experiences with various forms of social excommunication. We had both lost a brother who had drowned. In my case, I had never gotten an opportunity to meet my angel for I came into the world many years after his passing. The both of us were going through a difficult divorce and we were both undergoing a spiritual awakening and psychological rebirth of epic proportions. There was a full revolution taking place in our respective universes and and our timelines were sort of synched up. We had both moved to Los Angeles about 12 years ago. We were both navigating a difficult period of transition from long term commitments and were both at a juncture in our lives were things were about to start opening up again. Communication through music was on another level with him. Anyone who knows me knows that I regard sound as its own language and that my relationship with music is of spiritual quality - a lifeline for me. I had initiated this type of exchange by sharing songs with him throughout the day. He understood the assignment and indulged me. Just like myself, he had very eclectic taste in music. I was blown away by his preferences. There were lots of overlap in terms of genres and J put me on to great bands during the brief period of time we were blessed to spend in each other’s presence. I was really taken by him. He was creative and resourceful. He deeply cared about stuff I deeply cared about. We had similar hobbies and complimentary skillsets. I found out as we got to know one another that he had a prior experience working in the fashion industry and later pivoted to construction. He worked part time as a project manager for high end residential developments. He was fond of product design, landscaping design, and interior design. He took amazing photographs and had his way with words. He was a deep thinker with fluid thoughts and he could keep up a conversation. He spent a great deal of time outdoors, in nature. I was a deer in headlight, looking all around for signs on where to go next. I was recalibrating and making very important decisions while trying to remain open to all possibilities. Nothing was certain. Nothing was set in stone. The thing about believing that everything happens for a reason is that one may at time read too much into things - perhaps feel as though a particular encounter may carry life altering potential or signal a directional change. There is indeed no such thing as random, but the purpose of a thing happening isn’t necessarily obvious - sometimes it serves a purpose we can’t quite see. I was at a crossroad in my life, the ground beneath me was shifting at alarming speed, lots of things were taking place at the same time and I essentially felt like anything was possible at that point; I was in the process of getting my life back and I got to decide the trajectory of my next chapter. I knew what most mattered to me. I embraced the notion that I was attracting what I needed. With that principle in mind, there was a chance I might discover things I needed in the merging of both our worlds. For the better part of my life, I had been wanting to get involved in ecological initiatives but had never taken the extra step to penetrate that bubble. I was very preoccupied with environmental crises and had consistently been vocal about causes near and dear to my heart. However, I had never channeled that energy in an organized fashion or joined an organization in order to generate tangible results. The vision I’ve had of myself in the future entails a devotion to sustainable land exploitation, soil regeneration, and permaculture solutions. I was desirous to volunteer my energy but wasn’t exactly sure where to start. I became very curious about J’s non profit and their volunteering program. I believed in their mission and its impact, I wanted to help and I thought it would certainly help me heal. J didn’t get to know the details of my marriage but he knew enough to get a sense that it was a tragic mess. I felt there was prior context for J to understand my position and personal choices more so than other people would, due to some of the things he had confronted along his journey. That man had gone through brutal storms. He had been compelled to draw lines in the sand and stand up to authority in order to reclaim his identity and live as is authentic self. I will refrain from further elaborating on J’s background story because it is in many aspects an extraordinary story and the details attached to it are rather specific. What I gathered from it is that J was capable, determined, boldly courageous, uncompromising, and unafraid of going against the grain. He was creative and hardworking. A Jack-of-all-trades, he knew his way around a whole lot of things you wouldn’t suspect a guy like him to have anything to do with - like a sewing machine for example. He could make stuff with his hands. He could multitask like a champ. He was a devoted family guy, an amazing father to his boys and was thoroughly invested in their daily lives. He seemed to nurture a special bond with each one of them which really warmed my heart. The way he cared for them was touching. He made it a priority to spend quality time with them and they would often venture out to explore the great outdoors together. His parenting style was perfectly in line with the way that I wish to raised my children. When the “issue” of kids presented itself, I thought “Well, I’ve declared for a while now that in the event I couldn’t have children in the future, I’d turn to adoption.” Theoretically, such pre-established fact about me made me a perfect candidate for a blended family. I had never entertained the idea of assuming the role of stepmom. It was not my ideal scenario. I suppose you don’t necessarily get to ask yourself the question until you’re in the position to ask yourself the question of whether you could handle something or not. In that moment, I thought I could. I still do, by the way, think that I’d make a decent stepmom. Just like that, the “issue” of children was no longer an issue. If I felt so strongly that I could adopt a child, receiving and treating someone else’s child as my own  wasn’t much of a deal breaker. Now, 3 of them… Well, that’s of course a major leap. Still, I was open to the idea. Because I was temporarily stationed in Northridge, without a car, and still in the process of looking for a house, meeting was virtually impossible. J was living close to Orange County and his life was compartmentalized in ways that didn’t allow much room for spontaneity. For obvious reasons, J had to maintain a regimented schedule divided between project managing, non profit work, child care, and of course self care. His plate was more than full. For anything to happen, it had to be planned out ahead of time. Either way, I became severely ill around the time we connected and dragged an acute pharyngitis over a two week period which ultimately landed me in the ER. I was out of commission for a while, with fevers and chills, pain the ear and neck, heavily swollen neck lymph nodes as hard as rocks, muscle aches, throat soreness, fatigue and chronic migraine. I was sick like a dog and contagious. I was isolated from the world. I was devastated by the turn of events pertaining to my divorce. I was extremely anxious to secure housing and be reunited with my dogs. It was rough… I was walking a lot. I was meditating, journaling and praying day in and day out. J quickly felt like a life jacket to me. It was quite perfect because we couldn’t meet in person. Instead, we talked. Texts. Phones calls. Voice notes. Songs. We used many different channels to communicate and dove deep into our personal experiences and individual life paths. Although J approached things from a rational and academic standpoint, he was surprisingly open minded and receptive to learning about numerology, astrology, tarot, and other occult sciences - all of which have recently become strong topics of interests. He understood that there is more than what meets the eye and could see beyond the veil of our three dimensional reality. J engaged with me on just about any topic. He was playful but was also a deep thinker who would go down rabbit roles in search of truths. I was really attracted to his mind. However, he shied away from vulnerability and communicating his emotions - he was open minded but had really thick walls. After spending time getting to know one another, we eventually made plans to meet up. I had booked a AirBnB for a week near the beach as a Valentine’s day treat to myself. I needed to spend time all alone by the water to replenish. I was finally recovering from my viral infection and was on track to potentially sign a lease. We officially met for the first time on Valentine’s day. It was late, we were both tired but managed to link up after he had completed his daddy duties for the evening. We cruised to the beach with blankets, beers, and marijuana. What I find interesting is that we had zero inhibition while interacting with each other by way of digital screens, but a degree of nervousness manifested once we met in person and I couldn’t find the words. I was very much so attracted to him, physically, mentally, and spiritually. We listened to music, wandered around, chatted and blazed. Soon we were exploring each other without words and our sexual chemistry was nothing short of amazing. First in his car first, then back at my AirBnB for the night, and again in the morning. A couple of orgasms in one night and I’m going to want you around - for me, it wasn’t systematic. Sex with him was healing. It felt divine. We had very little time together though. J was over committed and split in 5, with his kids, work schedule, volunteering work, and board meetings. He barely had time for himself. He spent another night with me at the AirBnB during that week but that’s all the time we had. From the beginning he had expressed his reticence at committing to anyone. He seems he enjoyed being a free agent and wanted something light while I wanted more. By fear of losing our momentum, I applied too much pressure and eventually caused him to further pull away from me. Just like my recent experience with F, I watched it all happen knowing exactly what was happening and why, and yet I couldn’t seem to fully disengage from counter intuitive and counter productive behavioral response. It was a painful but nonetheless interesting experience - very enlightening. I had become clingy. I wanted more of J’s time and attention. I was hoping he would open up emotionally. The more I pushed him, the more he pulled away. I knew that getting involved with him meant wrestling with emotional unavailability all over again but somehow I had convinced myself he had all the qualities I was looking for. Was it an accurate assessment? Not exactly. It’s true - he was a great catch and a fascinating person to get to know. That said, I understood he was non committal. J was not in mindset which would have permitted for something substantial to take place but I was willing to trick myself into thinking that things could progress in a different direction. In doing so, I was of course deceiving no one but myself. The signs were there but, consciously or not, I was choosing to overlook them. There were triggering aspects to J and our connection. J and his wife had opened up their marriage in ethical monogamy, sharing themselves with other people. In choosing to lie, cheat, and conceal things from her, he had broken her trust and damaged their relationship - apparently beyond repair. He was deeply remorseful but deep down I knew J wasn’t quite right for me. I had performed mental gymnastics to try and convince myself otherwise but it just wasn’t a good fit. The connection would have quickly turned burdensome. We lived far away from each other. He had very little free time. His divorce had not been finalized. Although it sounded like she was taking decisive action to move on with her life, J seemed to still be holding on to it - energetically. I could sensed he hadn’t yet let go of the past. I understood. I could see why it was hard. The reality of the situation is that they had three kids together and were coparenting daily. The two of them were still sharing space. It seemed as though he was having a much harder time than he was willing to show and J was perhaps overworking and dating around to numb the pain. I don’t know for sure that he was dating around but it certainly felt like he was juggling me at some point or another - possibly the entire time. It took a while for me to fully detach from J’s energy but I ultimately felt very good about releasing him. His entry and exit had been taxing; it was as though I was being given life support and just as I was beginning to breathe, the life support was abruptly cut off. That same metaphor is used in one of my previous post. I could still breathe on my own but the attention, the laughter, and most of all the intellectual stimulation had been so nourishing to me that I felt a void. With J, there was excitement, passion, lust and desire. He had reignited something that had been shut off in me after years of utter neglect, emotional and sexual deprivation. That’s the truth of it, and I see now that flipping all of these switched was J’s role in entering my life - nothing more. He had showed up to demonstrate to me that my openness and ability to love were indeed unabridged. He had sparked my interest and helped in keeping me on the higher end of the emotional spectrum during a time of great distress - without a doubt the loveliest of distraction. All in all, J participated in the dramatic shedding of light onto my own abandonment wound. It wasn’t the fact that J and I parted ways that was most hurtful; what was truly difficult to come to terms with was having to face my abandonment wound as it got triggered by rejection. Once again I felt like a vulnerable little girl, but the Universe was trying to teach me something. J didn’t abandon me - I had abandoned myself. All was a result of my own behavior at a time were I was desperately looking for an emotional crutch. It wasn’t the way, it was a detour. I was avoiding the core issue. I needed to relax. I needed to relax in the knowing that what is mean to be will simply be. I wanted J to offer me his protection and understanding. It was in actuality my inner child expressing pain and looking for relief, but the job of healing my inner child falls on me - it was my own protection and understanding that I needed most. Sometimes, you just have to keep on walking alone - with faith only. Having felt the destructive flare of my own intensity in both these connections with J and F, it was reaffirmed to me that patterns can’t be escaped or dissolved without awareness. Approaching anything from a place of lack inevitably leads to self sabotaging tendencies. Flowing will get you what you want and need. Forcing will push what you want away from you, leaving you with only what it is you need. Both these men are incredibly dynamic and unique individual with a fascinating life story. Both these men have brought colors into my life and allowed me to approach things from new perspectives. Both these men placed magnifying lenses atop the most and least attractive facets of my personality. Both J and F offered me the gift of deeper knowledge into my own triggers, responses and coping mechanisms. Deep healing is needed. For the time being, I won’t be seeking emotional support from any kind of romantic partnership - my heart is sore and needs a break. One thing I can tell you though is that it does get easier to grasp the lesson and release the pain when the cause is processed diligently; the pain is transient. Time, awareness, grace and acceptance wash it away. I suppose the one way to practice detachment is through more or less painful endings of connections. To learn to let go, one has to have something to let go of. Anyhow, I had to tell you about this fine motherf*cker. J was truly not meant for me but he is certainly one of the sexiest and most dedicated dad I know. Think Dr Sloan from Grey’s anatomy, mixed with Liam Hemsworth and Luis D. Ortiz from Netflix World’s most amazing vacation rentals - but better. Yes, that good! Damn good. No wonder I was hooked so fast.

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