Lately I’ve been very much up here, in my head, levitating over and contemplating my own continuance. My mind won’t let me rest - it won’t stop racing. From the moment I wake to the moment I fall in the arms of Morpheus I’m reviewing things in my head; habits, goals, memories, situations, relationships, outcomes, projections and so on. Being everything that I am, a super empath and often socially awkward sigma INFJ who used to run away from her feelings but now fully embraces them, a gemini sun and virgo moon hence a doubly mercurial and robustly dual air + earth combo whose got her feet on the ground but her head in the clouds with trouble finding a compromise between devoting to something and not desiring any sort of interaction with it, a rapid interhemispheric switching sentient being (equally right & left brain user) with a neurodivergent brain (one that processes information and behave in a way that differs from the actual or perceived norms), a plethora of unrealized dreams and ever shifting interests, potential dyslexia and most certain undiagnosed ADHD, on top of being an exceptionally domesticated yet partly feral and innately wild (untamed) medicine (born to be a vessel for healing and breathing life into things) consciously aware woman who is being called back to her roots and for whom self inquiry, self critique, self knowledge and self understanding are an inescapable life quest, it is nothing new. I’m prone to dissecting things, over and over and over again, until a satisfying resolution is obtained or a better understanding of its mechanism is revealed. Since my mind tends to ruminate over past events, practicing prompting the mind to embrace stillness and seeking comfort in letting go have been crucial in helping me to navigate my emotions. Mediation, journaling and movement have been key when it comes to self regulation and self maintenance but lately I feel that Spirit has been trying to point things out to me whereas my channels have been blocked. My channels have been blocked because I’ve failed to keep them open. I’ve been drowning in earthly concerns and distractions which have made it difficult for me to tune in and receive the clarity and guidance I’ve been needing to proceed confidently. I have spent lots of time sourcing furniture. I have spent time formulating responses I have not sent out to their designated recipients. I have spent time planning things I’ve kept on delaying for one reason or another. I’ve procrastinated quite a bit. I procrastinate a lot - I always have. Although the habit has proven to be costly, I’ve always managed to get by on my own time. However, from where I stand, it seems too slow for my own liking. I need to set up mechanisms that allow me to bypass these traps. My imposter syndrome tells me I need to have it all figure out ahead of time. It tells me that I need to anticipate every aspect of the process in my head, and God forbid it isn’t perfectly executed. In that case, I may as well not do it at all is what I hear. What ifs are what I hear. I’m wise enough to know it’s not my highest self chatting me up. My free spirit urges me to leap and not worry too much about minute details. But how? I’m detailed oriented and perfectionism is consistently trying to blow up my attempts to get things done. If I can’t get it right after say… The third time? I if I fail to master something fast my hyper critical / perfectionist mind turns against me, urging me to quit. Maybe it’s not for you is what I hear. In between plotting, visualizing the process, learning about it, and going for it, I often freeze. I sit here hoping I’ll soon have the energy to follow through with the million things I want to accomplish after I’m done completing the things I must do to survive. Although the French consulate is in my neighborhood, I still haven’t renewed my passport. I haven’t yet finished updating my website. I haven’t yet walked to UCLA village. I feel I need rest - all of the time. I feel there is never enough time in a day. My back has been radiating with pain for a while now. It is always hurting. I am not sure whether something is going with my back or if these pain bodies are related to blockages in my upper chakras. I think the latter is more likely to be the case as I’ve experienced it before. On one hand, I’ve been moving quite a lot of furniture and haven’t been stretching at all. On the other hand, my sleep posture has been causing my neck to hurt. It makes slouching easier than straightening my spine which, of course, contributes to the worsening of my back ache. I’ve learned from experience that a temporary fix only yields temporary relief which renders the problem more difficult to deal with when time has come to stop kicking the can down the road. I smoke to numb the pain, but smoking isn’t a cure. It only alleviate my symptoms. Besides, the side effects of heavily relying upon smoking are not worth it to me. Self love begets strong discipline. I’m currently in the process of learning how to seamlessly do all of the hard things at once without constantly feeling drained. I’m consistently purging, ridding my self of what keeps me stuck or stand in the way of who I’m becoming. I don’t experience frequents headaches anymore though so I’d say that some things are better than others. During my reiki healing session with R on Sunday I noticed that my life force wasn’t flowing freely through my body. I could feel it my energy very strongly below my mid-section. The closer my practitioner got to my legs and feet and the more intense the sensations were. My feet felt warm and were pulsing each time she drew near to them. Strangely enough, only when I felt heat and tingling vibrations could I relax into my being. A vortex of energy seemed to have opened up beneath my heels. I felt nothing of the sort when she was working on my upper chakras. The energy wasn’t coming through. I described my experiences that to gain insights from her. It left me feeling puzzled, as if I was given a clue as to why I’ve had this growing sense of being out of balance lately. R is a newer practitioner who seems rather cautious about her interpretations of treatments. She more or less held space for me to talk it out on my own and what I intuitively sensed is that my reiki experience was confirmation of what I had been feeling in recent weeks. My root and sacral chakras were more active / receptive than my upper body chakras. I haven’t been dancing. I haven’t been painting. I haven’t been reading much or studying my topics of interests. I feel I have been sucked into survival mode all over again, hustling to find and flip furniture. I’ve been too focused on getting by and came out of alignment as a result of it, priming my mental space for malaise and doubts to seep in. It mirrored the feelings I experienced when R was close to my face, neck and chest areas; her close proximity to my head and chest immediately triggered a fight or flight response. My heart was pounding and my muscles would tense up. I was easily startled and felt particularly vulnerable when she was working on those regions of my energetic field - I couldn’t relax. It was odd but equally enlightening. It was not at all what I expected to happen but it put things in perspective for me and gave me a clearer picture of what my body was signaling to me. I have felt these blockages manifesting in more ways than one. I have felt the exhaustion and disconnection that have resulted from it. Moral of the story: yes - the body keeps the score even when we think we aren’t and yes - it will definitely reveal what needs fine tuning. In a way, the body is an emotional roadmap. I may not always understand why I’m feeling a certain way, but if I play close attention and get curious about seemingly strange manifestations, the answers come to me. Everything is connected: the mind, body and Spirit are always communicating with one another. It is a remarkably intelligent system that utilizes all it is given to perform self regulation and attempt self regeneration. Now the question is - have I given it what it needs to perform at its best? Lately, I haven’t. On the thematic of dichotomy and being able to hold it, it occurred to me that just days ago I equated July with my most challenging month so far this year, but as of Monday, it has turned into my most profitable month of the year. Isn’t it funny how the tides can turn on a whim? Just when you think you’re out of luck and time, the seeds that have been sown begin to sprouts allowing things to fall into place. My lesson on patience runs on an infinite thread - I just keep on learning it from experience, one trial after another. Each day I pledge to surrender my will to the universe for the sake of my highest purpose, trusting that I am being restored back to health and guided towards manifesting the lives that I envision for myself, my family and my community. I wish to serve the collective by way of exploiting my talents and I ask my ancestors to nourish my vision and strengthen my body so that I can indeed perform at higher level and, by the same token, condition myself for more fluid alternations between beast mode and rest mode. July was successful in terms of sales, but at what cost? I’ve had a really hard time seeing things through without getting overwhelmed. I constantly feel burnt out. Yes, it’s a problem. I’m feeling burnt out too often. I’m perpetually tired and sore. Neglecting my practices have tipped me out of alignment. I haven’t felt rested from sleeping. I stay up too late at times although I know I must wake early. Do that a few nights a week when you’re over thirty years old and watch just how quickly you start to fumble. Proper sleep is paramount. Making sure I get enough rest, nutritious food and regular movement is how I honor my vessel. I haven’t done any of that lately. I’ve struggled to eat larger quantities of what I know I need as opposed to larger quantities of what I I think I want simply because it taste good. Sugar and excuses for not sticking to my flow have been great disruptors. I noticed in parallel that my screen time has dramatically increased over the past week or so. I know this can’t be good either. In fact, it hasn’t been. I find that there is a direct correlation between more screen time, more triggering thoughts, more powerlessness and lesser productivity. Hustling like crazy and constantly being in search of my next great find simultaneously gives me more opportunities than I could justify to plug myself into the universe of social media where I find it so easy to get lost in over consumption of content. Even if it’s quality content, it’s not good enough to be stealing that much of my time. I have been feeling inspired but unmotivated to take action. I haven’t been meditating much which has resulted in me feeling less grounded. My mind has been on a mission to overrun me as I perpetually seek to find resolutions in my head for things I thought I had let go of. It seems I have to let it go a little more each day in some  sort of interminable grieving process that leaves me dizzy on occasion. This brain needs closure so that I can close cases. This brain is both my biggest asset and my biggest obstacle to surmount. Balance, freedom and self love are achieved through and sustained with discipline. How do I avoid neglecting time with myself or my dogs, while optimizing performance, maintaining regular movement activities and a clean diet fir higher vibrations and energy levels? How do I allocate more time for the deepening of my spiritual practices and prioritize learning while also maximizing time for wellness and rest, ensuring that I step out in nature, ensuring that I continue to engage in creative endeavors, ensuring that I capitalize on sleep, ensuring that I stay on track with my goals and processes, ensuring that I commit myself to doing the work, ensuring that I integrate and manifest in this dimension rather than fixating on my escapes to higher realms of consciousness - how do I do all of the above without feeling burnt out? It is clear to me now that I need a very strict  compartmentalized routine in which I keep tasks on rotation so that I can do more without losing focus or interest. I need a strict daily regimen breaking down tasks hour to hour. I have never been a fan or rigidity, but knowing what I’m working with and noting just how easily I come to feel off balances, I understand that the best gift I could offer myself at this stage of my life is the gift of pristine discipline. It is the  surest way to outsmart my brain and get it to serve my best interests. From a financial standpoint, I am not stressed about next month. I’m on track to meet my goals and can breathe a little. However, if I am to keep up the pace, I am in crucial need of better time management.  I have come up with a schedule which I feel will help me to get everything done without spreading myself too thin. It gives as much weight to rest, reprogramming and creative pursuits as it does to generating income and advancing my career by way of learning and creating opportunities for myself. My intentions are set on making space for all that needs to transform. I am incentivized to consciously curate my thoughts and my schedule in the same way that I curate my physical and virtual space. It’s like feeling the urge to remove all dead skin and impurities so that my pores can breathe and my face can glow. Every once in a while, a steam and deeply cleansing facial is in order. That’s how I feel about life right now. I need space to grow and shed skin. I need space where I feel free to express, demonstrate, experiment, learn, educate, win, fail, try again and evolve.