In the midst of a burnout and I’m completely spent. It’s a day to day struggle, this balancing thing. I’ve been feeling the brunt of the heavy lifting involved in these repeated moves. It’s not emotional turmoil, it’s sheer exhaustion. It’s having to talk myself into getting up to wash my hair, go to the dog park, fold laundry or get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet. I’m mentally and physically overwhelmed. There is a queue of furniture currently in need of restoration but now that my partner & I have figured out how to handle each one of these pieces, I can’t even think about getting started. I’m constantly tired. I’m constantly sore. Especially in the upper left area of my back, as well as my neck. Those parts of my body have been hurting day and night - more so than usual. I’ve watched myself tank closer and closer to a burnout and didn’t do enough to stop it other than trying to sleep it off. I’ve realized once and for all that without regular movement, meditation and proper sleep, it’s only a matter of time before I energetically deplete myself which then forces my body to hit “pause” so that I can recharge. I literally need to meditate, journal, burn calories and stretch, on top of eating relatively clean, drinking enough water and clocking in 6 hours of good sleep in order for my body to produce enough energy to get me through the day. For accountability purposes, I will report that I haven’t yet kicked off my new regimen. I usually wake up between 5:30 and 8:30 am, week days or weekends. Today I must have woken up around 10 ish. I took the dogs out, replenished their feeding bowls and jumped right back in bed. I rescheduled a meeting with my partner as well as a sofa pickup and slept until around noon. It’s close to 10 pm now. I’ve eaten lunch, rested all afternoon, eaten dinner, read and slept some more but I still feel tired. B brought home delicious raita, mint sauce, plum chutney, basmati rice, rajma and lamb karahi yesterdya. I’m usually a sucker for savory flavors when it comes to dipping sauces but the chutney was fantastic. The lamb and freshly made raita were equally tasty. I thought that what I had before was moong dal as it seems to be the most popular web search result for yellow dals - I was wrong. What V cooks at home is another version of yellow dal. I had moong dal for the very first time today and it was truly amazing. B never disappoints. There is crusted chicken, steamed cod, prime rib and flank steak with chimichurri sauce piled up in the refrigerator for the weekend. Each day I pinch myself and thank the Universe for the countless ways in which I am provided for. It’s easy to take things for granted when they become so readily available to us - I don’t want to fall into that trap. It’s true that I am tired, which is alright for me to express, but believe me I am not complaining. How could I? I have all that I need to move through life. I’d have to be blind if I couldn’t see it. As always, it is a matter of balancing things so that I can feel and do my best. Back in the days, I would not only beat myself down for being spread thin, I’d try and force myself to perform through physical injuries or mental health collapses resulting in mistakes being made and /or reinforced trauma. Nowadays when burnouts happen, I try my best to slow down rather than press on the gas. I can feel the cumulative load of stressors weighing me down as opposed to being blindsided by it. In case I cannot make the necessary adjustments to call my energy back to me, I let go of what I might have been trying to accomplish and surrender to my body’s call for attention. I try to identify what my body needs in the present moment and how best to supply these things to myself while taking notes on all contributing factors to my energetic crash. I’ve done this enough time now to know exactly what I require to thrive. At this point, the tricky part is to make room for all of those things. As one undergoes a rapid personality change, most certainly coupled with a rapid lifestyle change, the ego puts up a fight to remain in the comfort zone. I can sense that some of the inner tension, pain bodies and chronic fatigue I have been experiencing are physical manifestations of my ego holding onto old patterns out of fear for change. Hearing the voice in my head telling me what I can and cannot do, it is now easy to tell where it’s coming from. I understand that “my” thoughts aren’t mine but simply the echoing of my conditioning. Mastering detachment has taught me to allow space between myself and my thoughts which, in essence, are neither mine nor a representation of what I am at my core. I am merely the innocent, loving and pure awareness of my thoughts which, in actuality, are malleable. I am the observer that observes - nothing more, nothing less. I no longer have an interest in judging “my” thoughts. I no longer seek to have all of my feelings figured out. I just let them be. Sometimes, emotions flow through me that I don’t necessarily understand. It used to bother me. These days, I just sit with them and ask for their truth without interjecting any form of judgement. As I practice listening to “my own” stream of thoughts without reacting to it, I notice how simply being present with my emotional energy allows the energy to flow with ease. In stillness, all moves without friction, delivering the clarity that I’m looking for. I work diligently to replace each “negative” thought with a new thought pattern built around love and empowerment. I do this over and over until full integration is complete. If “negative” thoughts still arise, which I can expect to happen, I simply acknowledge them and persevere in reframing them in a way that is useful. As I continue to re-route my neural pathways by creating new thoughts, as well as new beliefs around these thoughts, my original ego-driven “negative” thoughts fade away. Tuning into a new frequency by raising one’s vibration is a full time job but it is one I’d happily take on for the rest of my life. I’m learning to be on my own side. I’m learning to be soft with myself on hard days and operate under the premise that my needs are non-negotiable. I don’t pigeonhole or rush myself anymore. I can do a lot of things, that I know of, but I also need a lot of rest and recuperation. Most importantly, I am on my own timeline. I care less and less about what other people may think of my choices and more and more about how I feel inside my body and what I think of myself. I mention detachment in almost every journal entry, it is important to mention I do not seek to build a healthy and loving relationship with the self in order to eradicate the need or desire for human connections. I seek to understand my shadow and detach from its perceived wants so that I can choose energetic matches that encourage me to step deeper into my own essence rather than further into self-abandonment. Let me tell you one thing: I am getting exactly that which I’ve been asking for. I’ve already mentioned it in previous posts but, for the sake of context, my dear friend A who has been chanting for nearly two decades has challenged me to practice it daily. She has been on my case ever since. At first I was delighted with how thoughtful and dedicated A was to guiding me on this new journey. I would express gratitude for the friendly reminders and keep her updated on my practice. Soon, I started feeling slightly irritated with receiving the same exact message day after day: “how is chanting going?” Plus it was going so-so. I was only chanting here and there. My ego started to talk me out of it, trying to convince me that I didn’t really need to do what she advocated, that what worked for her wasn’t necessarily going to work for me and that boundaries needed to be established. I would reply that I was busy running errands and would make time for it later or wouldn’t respond at all before a day or two had gone by. I started to pay attention to my reaction when A would touch base with me. Although A was in no way attacking my sovereignty, parts of me were perceiving it as such. My ego didn’t want to be told what to do. Today, when she reached out, I replied that I had fallen off the horse but was planning on making it a part of my daily regimen moving forward. Her response was “Hey, don’t stop chanting.” As I sat with her words in my head, I was reminded of a recent conversation I had with Z about the importance of devotion in the quest for enlightenment and spiritual expansion. It is not until my college years that I grasped the underlying meaning of watching my parents kneel and pray five times per day since I was born. Rituals are established and maintained for a reason. To return to a practice day after day despite the disturbances and surprises that life may bring to us is to reaffirm our commitment to the value and meaning we attach to such practice. I’ve asked the divine powers to strengthen me as I continue to integrate new tools into my lifestyle. I can see now that chanting is simply one of the ways through which I get to anchor myself into higher levels of discipline. What I think about it is of no importance when I know how I feel about it; no need to wait on the long term effects to know that it’s been good to me. I’ve asked for accountability partners to help keep me on track and there is no question that A, Z, J, V and G have appeared to play that role in my life. On a conscious level, I have created my current reality. Nothing is out of place. Nothing feels unwanted. Nothing is a nuisance to me. Even if my monkey mind tries to convince me otherwise, I understand that the daily texts from A are a byproduct of my requests. A has elected to fully step into the role of guide / mentor because I myself have invited her to do so.  Her dedication to keeping me on board is simply an expression of her own commitment to being that which she naturally is - a teacher. It is nothing to fret about. In doing so, she is not only aligning with her highest self, she is also intervening on behalf of my highest self. Listening to the voice of the ego only gives power to older narratives that no longer serve me when in fact I can see that all that I’ve asked for, I’ve received. I have everything I need to carry on in the direction I’m called to pursue. Here are three lessons I can take from today’s entry: 1. I heal by flowing with it, not by forcing things - embracing my own rhythm and surrendering to the process is key. 2. I have no obligation to get through my pains in ways that are understandable or palatable to others but it is my responsibility to recognize where my triggers come from - all thoughts are implanted and can be released / replaced. 3. I am truly grateful for the folks who have inspired me to become a softer, wiser, healthier and more balanced human being - although I know what’s best for me, I appreciate those around me who continuously show up for me and take a genuine interest in my wellbeing even when I feel the need to distance myself. Although I’m tired, I’m in good spirit. All is well. I feel loved and cared for. I feel at peace with myself, my decisions and my short term goals. I have a day full of manual labor ahead of me so I’m just going to be realistic and focus on getting through that. My business partner and I won’t be linking up until late morning so tomorrow is my last chance to sleep in before I hit the “reset” button on Monday. I’ll make sure to enjoy that.  Who needs the gym when you can move furniture up and down, in, out and around all day? I said I wanted to paint more and here I am getting ready to apply fabric paint over sofas and upholstered beds. Well, that’s a whole lot of painting… Ah! Again, be careful what you wish for. Your thoughts are incredibly powerful so speak good words into your life and don’t allow your ego to run the show. When in doubt, follow your intuition. Your highest self comes through when you are most calm and never tries to force anything on you. If it’s emotional, agitated, chaotic and confused, know that it isn’t your highest self communicating with you. Step back and allow clarity to set in. Observe, don’t judge. Seize the opportunity to learn more about your triggers and what they are trying to reveal to you then act upon the knowledge that you’ve gathered about yourself. That’s all there is to it. Frustration has no place in this process of self observation and shadow integration. Frustration perturbs your natural flow. To evolve beyond thoughts you have to not only be honest with yourself, you must also be patient. Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle once said that getting mad at yourself for slipping back into old habits is like getting mad at yourself for shivering when it’s cold. Think about it… It serves no purpose for it is just what you are wired to do. New habits are new because we don’t have a lot of practice with them yet - we’re not good at them yet. There is an adjustment period between learning and implementing. Paradigms are shifted simply with awareness. That may occur in an instant. Discipline allows you to lock yourself into higher frequencies. That may take time. Each day, you get to choose where you want your energy to flow so choose wisely. Be intentional about keeping your attention on those things. That is where your power lies. Remember dear one, your power isn’t to be played with. I’m telling you this so I can remind myself in the same breath that I / you am / are powerful beyond measure. What I / you couldn’t do today, I / you do it tomorrow. If I / you struggle with it, I / you get to go about it another way the next day. With each rising sun comes an opportunity to align with my / your highest self - I / you ought to honor that. Each time I / you can, I / you ought to choose that for myself / yourself. No matter where I / you land, I / you can never “loose”so long as lessons are learned. Jaznel Mosby warns that challenging old patterns and leaning into embodying new ways of being can and most likely will induce extreme discomfort, even anxiety, due to ego (the ones who keeps us safe) fighting for dear life. As we move through that discomfort, she urges to remember our why and breathe through it. Spirit’s presence in my life is so immediate that I can accept any outcome as what needs to happen at that moment for me to move along the path towards reaching my highest potential.

All is unfolding as it should so there’s no need to worry. I’m in good hands.