Still grieving. Daily. Although my days are at least equally amazing, I experience feelings of grief nonetheless. I know - forever holding dichotomy… My mind flirts with opposite concepts all day long - that’s just what it naturally does. It has to begin with dualism in order to evolve into non dualism and the natural balancing of perceived polarities. In reality, a multitude of truths may manifest at the same time. All I’m saying is that I’m can be happy and mournful in the same hour. In quality of passive observer, it is a very interesting place to be. I’ve derived immense power from it lately. For those reading this who may be wondering who / what I’m grieving, still, make no mistakes: It isn’t what needed to be let go that I’m grieving, it is an amalgamation of recently expired versions of the self. I’m grieving the loss of me in the pursuit of an us. A fictitious one for that matter. I have to feel her out, spend time with her, honor her, understand and soothe her in order for me to ease the load and freely carry on. I’m recovering from an extraction of surgical precision. It’s a heavy procedure I sustained. If there was ever a good time to be extremely patient with myself outside of childhood, now would be it. It will take however long it takes but I will say my proper goodbyes to her, as many times as necessary. She needs a lot of love / care from me, which is great. For the first time in a very long time, it is primarily me I’m taking care of and I readily put my needs first - in fact I’m happy to do so. That’s the space I’m in at the moment. It’s Hermit mode all over again - not a space for a tandem of energies. I don’t particularly seek to invest my energy into someone else right now. I got sexual cravings out of my system. I’m not interested in dating or being sexually stimulated by anyone other than myself right now. There’s never enough hours in a day. I feel I have to pour it all in myself first before it can be transmuted into something of value, of beauty, of truth, of love. We don’t suppress emotions over here. We don’t wrap bandages over hearts. mine is broken at what my previous self had to endure and face in order to get me to this summit. I had never experienced this view before.  I can not not honor what it took to get here. I consciously make time for my own burials. The only way out is through - I’ve got to feel it to heal it. Yesterday I had a $1300 payout for 5 hours of hosting, followed by a 2 hours walk. Today, I just want to lounge and do nothing. Wake. Bake. Meditate. Eat. Journal. Nap. Move. Eat. Read. Smoke. Meditate. Sleep. The most I’ll do is play with my dogs and dance in my room. That’s good enough for me! My younger self wants me to rest therefore I oblige. Right now, I’m here to serve her - I’m here to help her get over herself.

Mood right now:

But also this:

Make it make sense!

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