Post Solar return check-in:
July 2, 2022It’s been an interesting past couple of weeks. Slow and fast. Stressful but equally wonderful. A whole lot has emerged from the dark caverns of my psyche. These days, it’s only for the better. I know now that it was always only for my betterment. My mind is primed to go on overdrive, as I’m perpetually seeking to mentally resolve any and every existing conflict - internal and external ones. Self inquiry occurs consistently, for one question leads to another, and another, and then a handful more… Our genetic markers, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual vessels are gift from the Universe to help us understand who we are and what our mission is. I innately crave to further comprehend the mechanisms and motivations behind my behaviors which in turn allows me to instinctively grasp the thoughts and actions of others. At the moment I oscillate between feeling great joy and experiencing residual grief. If love is a verb, to love myself translates into repeated self prioritizing and self caring actions. It is a daily commitment to be of service to myself and give myself what I require. Loving myself truly and deeply as empowered me to align with my most authentic self - it’s really only getting better for me, independently of external circumstantial factors - it’s just been great being me. My divine power has been reclaimed and is being unleashed moment to moment. I sway from enthusiasm to exhaustion, from groundedness to pronounced stress, from unshakable faith to latent anxiety. Still, I find that the more I accept myself and honor my needs without judgement or attempts to parade as someone I’m not, the better care I’m able to take of myself. Bathing in acceptance, of self, of all that is, of all that isn’t, is the equivalent to a big exhale for the nervous system. I am a dual being transitioning into a non dual reality, one in which I get to witness contrasting emotions coexisting just fine as I passively, curiously and lovingly observe them. I allow these emotions to flow through me without knocking me off my axis. I try to give myself time and grace in every situation. Having developed the ability to dwell in multiple dimensions at the same time makes me really proud. I’m proud of just how far I’ve come in the relationship that I cultivate with myself. I’ve worked tirelessly for the reprogramming of my mind so that I could embody the kind of person I desire to be and live the sort of life I wish to live. To me, the ultimate measure of success resides in fully approving of the person I am becoming and being very intentional about honoring my core values while surrendering to Spirit. A shift of perception enhances all. No matter what occurs, I can always find refuge in love and seek guidance from the light rays of consciousness that exists within the self. My being is now a safe and sacred space for I am fully aware of my connection to Source. I move from the heart. I think I’ve said this before but I feel my way through life. I always have. I always will. The only difference is that I now choose to consciously and deliberately harness the power of empathy, vulnerability, and hypersensitivity to create my reality while safeguarding my energy and strictly reserving it for what is worthy of it. I may be alone on this journey but I am never lonely - I am assisted and sustained by higher powers. The universe supports my existence on the three dimensional plane and supplies me exactly what I need to fulfill my soul purpose, at all times. Im of the belief that absolutely nothing that has ever happened was a coincidence. It may have come about in the form of pleasant or unpleasant experiences but all has happened in order to further my evolution. They say that what looks at first like a wall may turn out to be a door and it is true; one you can open and get through. Well, I am opening door after door and getting through. I am creating space for the power surge. I am priming myself daily to be a vessel for the nurturing and completion of my soul’s desires. I am connected to source and each moment present itself as a divine gift for I know that all is unfolding exactly as it should - for my highest good. Why is grief so important for me to honor at this particular juncture? Because I feel that in reaching true forgiveness and full acceptance space must be cleared to grieve all that was never obtained, all that was wasted, all that was sacrificed and all that was violated along the journey. I ought to thank myself for getting me to this here point. I ought to mourn my former life in order to consciously welcome a newer version of me. Stuffing our grief only results in energetic burnout and regrettable blow ups - it does not work. Energies do not vanish when unaddressed and unprocessed, they simply sit in the body leading to diseases. Until we sit in the fire of our own pain, we will continuously attempt to close the loop, consciously or unconsciously, literally making ourselves sick over it. More often than not, we’ll look in the wrong places, resulting in the delaying of our healing and blessed manifestations. There is no separation between mind, body and soul - it is all but one complex system. Believing otherwise is the result of a flawed perception. Hence why a shift in perception is paramount. I’ve been badly wanting to write all of these thoughts out but simultaneously avoiding it at all cost. It drains me. The processing tax feels too heavy at times. However, these thoughts won’t let me rest unless I feel them out - I know the drill. Postponing my release / maintenance check only magnify the issue at hand and I know it. I no longer attempt to run from my feelings. Instead, I allow myself to feel validated in whatever my experience was like or currently appears to be. In my humble opinion, I believe it to be the surest pathway towards sovereignty, innerstanding and growth. At times, it simply means checking in with myself and opting to give myself a break from analysis and evaluation. At times, all I can do is rest. I’ve formed a robust habit of frequently tuning in and ceasing to force things on myself. I’m standing in a place of unadulterated truth and powerful integration that leaves me no way out. I see no benefit in being deceptive, condemning or unappreciative towards myself as my inner wisdom takes the lead to keep me going where I need to go. I put no pressure on myself to rush my healing process either. I’ve learned that direction is far more important than speed therefore I simply do what I can in each moment and trust that it’ll be enough. Sometimes, I feel the need to purge my energetic field but don’t have the capacity to do so. Since the reversal of Roe Vs Wade, a lot has resurfaced that I’ve been wanting to write about. I’ve had several abortions, some which were highly traumatic but ultimately suppressed. Except I couldn’t allow myself to see it that way until I now. Back then, I didn’t have the tools to deal with the lasting impact of each of these situations. I had to keep it together and move along. It was a defense mechanism and I see it now and I can put my guards down and I can hug myself and I can apologize to my body and I can work this out and free my mind because I am strong enough to be soft, radically honest and unconditionally loving toward myself now. That’s not to say that each time I get to my keyboard, thinking of what it is I’ve been needing to get out of my system, a host of uncomfortable thoughts aren’t triggered - they are. It’s not all rainbow and kumabaya - shit gets real. I’ve been sitting with these thoughts for about a week but I notice that after I’m finished sorting through them and examining what they mean to me I’m just too mentally fatigued to write more than a few lines at a time. I tried to substitute writing with the painting of gorgeous abstract visions of soft winter, spring and summer palettes. I tried dancing, melting into sounds, reading other people’s words, scrolling in search of inspiration, truth and universal wisdom. I tried burning incense, walking, singing and so on. I even chanted. None of these things worked as well as journaling does for me when it comes to emptying the mind. To clear out these thoughts it seems I have to write them down and therefore I will. I’ll try, at least. I’d like to start with expressing gratitude for all that I’ve enjoyed lately. Full disclaimer: there won’t be much structure to the following mentions. I simply wish to share what has occupied real estate inside my brain and heart in recent days. I’ll try to go about it in some kind of order but all is connected in some way, shape or form so just try and flow with me. June was rich in emotions and riddled with experimentation - I got a chance to try my hands at two things I’ve been fascinated by. One of these fun projects involved building a bench from scratch with the help of my mentor. We spent hours designing, sourcing material, cutting up and sanding parts only to reach the conclusion that we had selected the wrong kind of wood for what we were hoping to make. In hindsight, it just wasn’t sturdy enough to produce a functional and durable piece of furniture. We tried to salvage the project by rethinking it entirely but I haven’t yet decided on how to repurpose it. It ended up being a practice run and we decided it would be best to try this again with the appropriate material; one can hardly expect to end up with a quality product if starting with poor quality material. We were having issues sourcing wood at a reasonable price and the urge to get started prompted us to grab what was available. That was mistake number one. A few more were made in precision cutting blocks of wood; some came out right, some didn’t. In the end, the project was both a failure and a win. It gave us an opportunity to familiarize ourselves with the process and trouble shoot problems that were arising from operating each one of the tools in our possession. I gained a better understanding of their usage and got a chance to adjust my design for the next attempt so it was a fun and very necessary flop. Another thing I finally got to do is crystallizing a book. I think I’m probably going to write an entry describing that process as I feel that experiment deserves a full report. All I will say for now is that I’ve been looking to do this for years and finally got around to testing it out. I first thought I had succeeded, then it seems to me that I had failed miserably, only to realize I had neither succeeded in the way that I imagined it to turn out, nor had I fail in the way that I thought it was going - I had actually succeeded in a way that I did not expect. It was somewhat of a long process. About 3 days to form and another week or so to cure - which is the phase I’m still in at the moment - but I am actually very pleased with the outcome at this stage. To me, the joy and purpose of creating is found in releasing any expectation for a specific end result, thoroughly enjoying the process in which I take part and remaining open to exploration and further learning. I initially believed I had failed because I was in fact attached to a very specific outcome and was hoping to achieve it on my first attempt. What happened instead is that a perceived mistake ended up leading me to a different result, one which I am surprisingly very pleased with. I guess it is what some may call a happy accident. I don’t feel it was an accident though. It was simply meant to open me up to the range of possibilities available with this method and it turned out exactly how it needed to turn out, if not better. I learned a great deal on how to manipulate this set of material and, the way I see it, that’s success. It was a bit of a science project. Messy. Bubbly. Fun. I’m really excited to experiment more and more with this format in which patience and co-creation with the elements are absolutely key. I’ve got lots of ideas on what to try next. Moral of the story, I failed at both of these things but also didn’t; it was a miss in the sense of what I was expecting, but a success in terms of what I actually got from it. I failed my way to success and that was a wonderful lesson to reencounter: failure is part of the process and it will get you exactly where you need to go if your persevere and show willingness to adapt. Light bulb moment. I know you know just what I mean by that. On another note, my dear friend A, who has been chanting for nearly two decades has planted a seed of love in me. Honestly, A has been wonderful to me as it relates to sharing her buddhist practices as well as other useful tools and resources for energy work. From sound baths, to vegan movie screening meetups, recommendations for art galleries to check out and reiki healing sessions, she has brought to me exactly that which align with my current frequency without me asking for it. She intuitively picks up on the things I am currently drawn to and connect with me from that place of genuine service, love and care. She never pushes her practices onto me. She simply presents them to me, inviting me to commit to them whenever I have the time and space to do so. She has challenged me to give chanting a try for 30 days and I elected to go for it. She has introduced me to M. A woman twice my age who doesn’t look a day over 30. She radiates just as much of a benevolent, warm, and supportive energy. These ladies are gifts from the Universe. I know in my heart that they were put on my path to assist me in my spiritual journey. The same goes for Z who is the person I feel most comfortable exploring the metaphysical world with. We dive deep. Deeper than I’ve ever gone in the company of someone else. There is no limit to what we express and where we land when we conversate. We receive each other fully and with ease. We seem to vibrate at such similar frequencies that we often cross into telepathic communication. We can read each other. We can feel each other. We can see through each other. We can be fully present with one another. I’ve rarely experienced that at this level. I’m almost certain we’ve walked together before in a past life and were lucky enough to be reunited in this one. We are deeply connected on a soul level and have been since day one, minute one. It was a very real merging of consciousness. Crossing path with Z has most certainly impacted my life in the best possible way. I love him dearly and grow more and more protective of our bond. I truly value his input, his purity of heart, and the gentleness of our friendship. Z just returned from a 50 days retreats up north at a tantric buddhist temple. He is a dharma practitioner who is committed to his ascension process. He came back transformed, rejuvenated, lit up from within, and with a fresh perspective on life. His glow is astronomical. I was so eager to learn about his experience and inspired by what he shared that I started looking into Tantric buddhism. I’ll write a separate post on my findings as I continue to explore this subject matter. A sacred vault of incredibly vast ancestral knowledge is how I think of Buddhism - there is so much to feed on. It is literally food for the soul. Z has invited me to travel north with him sometimes in July for a two days Nyungne practice and I immediately jumped on the opportunity to sign up - waiting for confirmation as we speak. Hearing about it wasn’t satisfactory. Sometimes, even if we have general knowledge on something, we need situational experience before it sets in. The level of discipline these retreats involve makes me want to do this for extended periods of time - we don’t know until we know and I want to know. More on that soon. Things have been great at home. V continues to cook the finest homemade southern Indian vegetarian food and B is filling up the refrigerator with the finest bistro standard gourmet lean cuisine - it’s honestly a dream come true. I can’t believe how lucky I am to share space with the most down to earth, neat and generous housemates I could have asked for. Today it was pulled pork tacos. Yesterday it was sushi grade ahi tuna and salmon with all of the fixing and sauces for a poke bowl. The day before that it was prime rib, gremolata, mashed potatoes and blanched vegetables + vegan pasta salad. The day prior is was poached chicken with steamed root vegetable and glass noodles and short ribs with broccolini and vegetable puree. The day before that was Korean galbi ribs, gochujang wings, fried rice and kimchi made in house… I could go on and on. It’s ridiculous. Except for breakfast, I haven’t cooked or bought groceries in weeks due to the abundance of food in the fridge at all times. I feel quite spoiled. I also feel I have consciously manifested this living situation by way of intentionality, goodwill and patience. Having V and B as housemates has made my life better in more ways than I can count - it’s been great. The only downside to these perks is that I’m most definitely an emotional eater and I tend to overindulge when it comes to food. It’s not like I didn’t see this coming though. Hah, interestingly enough, a recent astrology report had specifically warned me about it around the latest New moon. I first laughed it off and saved it, but after a week of finding myself orbiting the kitchen for no apparent reason, and snacking eating non stop, I had to go look at that post again and curve my urges to stuff my face with delicious treats. Accountability matters so I’m going to make a public note of the fact that I broke my weed fast. Took one hit of V’s joint and it laid me out. As fate would have it, by the time I returned for more, he had run out of medicinal. I suggested we go to the dispensary but it was 5 minutes to closing by the time I brought it up and I took it as a sign to hold back. I decided not to purchase any the next day and I’m still sticking to it. I did find an old vape that I’ve been using here and there but the cartridge is soon to be empty so I just see it as a temporary booster to help me get over the hump. I have no more nauseas. I think I’ll kick the habit so long as I continue eating nutritious food and moving my body on a daily basis. I’ve been going for long walks around the neighborhood and loving it. The landscaping around here is delightful; I’m always trying to identify all the trees, succulents and plants I come across. It feels safe. Neighbors are usually warm and talkative. I love it here. So much to be thankful for… I got to watch my girl S, who is from Liberia, manifest the job of her dreams after a couple of weeks of feeling anxiety about her next move - it all unfolded so smoothly for her. S introduced me to M, this awesome girl from Sierra Leone so you bet that group chat is titled West African Beauties. Indeed, we are. J broke the news that she is relocating to Brazil. How incredible is that. And what a bold move! I’m super stoked for her and salute her spirit for taking such a big leap of faith. Perhaps I’ll go visit. I’m still getting to know C and we haven’t gotten a chance to grab a bite together yet but we periodically check in on each other,
validating each others feeling, actively listening and encouraging one another to push through and stay well. It feels so new and so awesome to consciously build relationships that are rooted in health, service and mutual efforts. The older I get, the more I realize that it really isn’t about who I’ve known the longest but about who makes me feel seen, heard, understood, appreciated, supported, cared for and loved. At this stage of my spiritual evolution, I only have space for that which uplifts me and allows me to grow past my limitations. I only want to be surrounded with people who touch my heart, make me hungry for life, and readily nourish my soul. I used to find it easier to suffer in silence rather than deal with the ignorance, judgement and lack of sensitivity from those around me. I’m exiting that space of isolation and never looking back for there is immense gratification in belonging where we fit with ease and building a community where the energetic circle thrives off of quality, intent and reciprocity. I give thanks and ask spirit to protect these people’s lives because I know the value of their light in our turbulent world of abject greed and smoke and mirrors. I recognize each and everyone of these people for what they are; beacons of light. I often reflect on the fragility of the material world. We are slipping into a recession and no one knows what the future holds. Nature could roar at any moment. So many factors maintaining this equilibrium are out of our controls. It’s all a matter of perspective but in all of this the present moment is all there is and for now what I can say is that all is well. Moving furniture has been destroying my back but I’m grateful to have scored on some cool pieces over the past week. If i’m honest, it’s been rather challenging to source things lately. I’ve been working on other things to supplement my income but those are also moving at a slow pace. Restrictions are forcing me to cultivate patience and rely on my creativity to solve problems. Like I said, I do the best I can to work with what I have and focus my attention on what I can control. It is my preferred approach - trusting the process has never failed me. Aright, I’m totally spent. I can’t elaborate on this abortion thematic. Maybe next time - too taxing. I will cleanse when I’m up for it. Right now I need to food and sleep. I’ve spent the last 4 days lifting heavy items and I’m still sore from it. It’s 4th of July weekend and I hope to have time to escape to a lake or the beach for a day if I can. I mostly care about celebrating my emancipation this year - my independence. What are you doing for fourth of July weekend? Like me, will you be humming, chanting, singing, dancing, painting, walking, journaling, reading, learning new things, experimenting, meditating, visualizing, grounding yourself, getting some sun, eating well and limiting your social interaction to healthy and nourishing ones? Will you be lighting up a joint, taking a warm bath and sipping wine? Yes, okay, I caved, but so long as the awareness that I am breaching my contract is present, I get to choose whether or not to make an exception and amend my pre-set regimen depending on the context and what particular need is being addressed. I’m really just trying to give myself what I need in any given moment and I can only achieve that by being fluid. In my experience, being rigid typically results in unnecessary pain or disappointments. Giving myself permission to smoke has to have more to do with what I need, than what I want. If I need to sleep well, release stress, or get the spark to create then I see it as suited for those things. Being able to discern between needs and wants demands that I stay very much in tune with myself and it seems I’ve become quite good at that. Hence there is no breeding ground for guilt or shame if I indulge in marijuana usage or moderately excessive food consumption. I have complete trust in my current self, my intuition and my judgement. I know my limits. I know how to self regulate. Life is challenging but great right now. I’m most definitely attracting my soul tribe. It’s happening with the greatest evidence, clarity, and intensity imaginable - there is no denying the fact that the energies around me are in perfect alignment with who I’m creating / becoming. The universe is always delivering what I need most to fulfill my passion, feed my soul. and live in peace.
I’m getting through life beautifully and fall in love with my celestial being a little more each day. I’ve never felt this burdened and free, childlike and ancient, ignorant and knowledgable at the same damn time. I’m burdened with debts but free in the mind and confident that I have the ability to wipe the slate clean and achieve financial freedom in the near future. I am more than capable. Moving from the delusions and terror of duality to a non dual world of harmonized contrasts and deeper wisdom is the greatest paradigm shift of all.
I am divinely guided and protected in all seasons. Day by day, I will forge a path ahead, so as to live on my own terms. Day by day, I will rid myself of fear, doubts, and grief. Here to do my best, for my own sake. Here to be the best version of myself. Healing is most certainly non linear but I’m allowing the processes of integrity, intensity and intimacy to evolve me. Sometimes I’m hanging from mountaintops and other times I’m deep underwater crawling on the abyssal ocean floor, running out of air to breathe. All is needed. Like Z said to me the other night “I’m going to do this even if i die”, because every day could very well be the last. l wish to continue giving and receiving in a reciprocal, non score keeping kind of way. I wish to discover all the things that bring me joy and make these things a way of life. I wish to persist in facing my fears and decide to bravely act against them, advocating for my own fulfillment knowing that the best possible outcome is just as likely as the worst, especially if I put my best foot forward. Living in a universe where the most absolute and inalienable truth is that of oneness, I know that I cannot ever take without taking from myself or give without giving to myself. That is why those who give get back and those who take are taken from, sometimes in subtle ways. I know that I am taken care of because I am cognizant of my intention and output. I am rooted in my being. I know my heart. I stay present with myself and inner world in each moment. Few things can disturb my inner peace. My sovereignty is affirmed by my awareness of the fact that my connection to source is eternal and cannot be severed. Fear inhibits self empowerment and confusion leads to chaos. Likewise, clarity begets alchemy and courage triggers momentum. Right now, I am very clear on what it is I seek from life moving forward, and what is unnecessary. We, as humans, are here to transform things and affect change. Our minds have the power to alter matter. Let these changes be for the better. in times like these, when everything feels more uncertain than ever, I find solace in witnessing everything that is important becoming crystal clear and rather tangible - even if invisible to the naked eye. The soul simply knows what is required, what is essential, and what is futile. According to Magister Daire, that which you do frequently becomes your frequency, and I find that it is 100% correct - that’s why all that no longer serves my highest good has to be shed and removed. We live in an energetic world, one where our energy act as magnet. The key to mastering our energy and getting in alignment with our highest self comes in the form of healing old wounds, identifying with our true soul’s desires and practicing gratitude for all that we experience. We are now aware that our energy bodies need as much care as our physical bodies. Although I seem to reference them all the time, I’ll dive deeper into the many ways to clear stagnant energy in a subsequent entry. What I can say for now is that cultivating magnetism and continuously doing the work that supports our vision is crucial in manifesting the life we seek to live. For blocks and limiting beliefs to be uncovered, one must be able to envision a reality in which these blocks do no exist. What do you desire to create? What have you found to be standing in the way of that? Are these limits yours or someone else’s? Is fear at the root of your resistance? What fears are keeping you from taking action? What is the idea or creation you hold where such blocks do no exist? What does it look like? How does it feel? The keyword here is ‘feel’ - it’s not so much about knowing what it is as it is about feeling it. One must feel it to bring it into existence. One must then act on it. What actions do you need to take to make your vision a reality? Are excuses being made to not follow through with said actions. Why? What’s holding you back? How can these fears and doubts be illuminated with love and steadfastness? For each of the blocks you will uncover, there is an antidote in love - the opposite expression of fear. There is only love. All else is but our resistance to it. Love is the pure essence of being and the ultimate currency. It is necessary to quit reacting and start observing by asking ourselves “why” and other relevant questions in order to take note of the higher significance of whatever we are experiencing. What is the present moment trying to teach you about yourself? Why does it make you feel a certain way? Stay curious. Remember that we live in a world of balanced duality where like attracts like as much as opposites attracts. Giving the world that which we seek to receive, being your most authentic self and being absolutely clear on what you want is the surest way to receiving it from the Universe. Trust it. It’s law. The more honest we are with ourselves the easier it is to say no to that which distracts us or fails to elevate our consciousness. Stop training your nervous system to normalize one sided, depleting, heart wrenching relationships and flow where there is ease, reciprocity and stability. Athough painful, a trauma bond can serve to wake us up to our need for external validation and insecure attachments so that dysfunction can be deconstructed and dissolved. It means owning ourselves, stepping into our power and cultivating resources to avoid other trauma bonds. It means acting like the divine emanation we are and finding the love and recognition we seek from within. It means knowing we are worthy. It means taking full measure of just how disrespectful it is to ourselves, our ancestors, and our Creator to minimize what we are. It means radiating our light upon the world. It means accepting that someone outside of us not being able to see us has nothing to do with us. It means letting go of people who have no interest in learning how to love us. Loving ourselves is what time is is. Choosing ourselves is what time it is. Setting and enforcing boundaries is what time it is. No more shrinking, people pleasing or pretending. Not operating in your fullness and denying your inherent power out of fear for what could be is not only a disservice to the sanctity of your being, it is also a disservice to the collective consciousness as we are all connected and influencing one another to some degree. In case you are struggling to answer the above questions in an effort to identify your own blocks, carve time to sit with these thoughts. I promise you that the answer will come. All you have to do to connect with your highest self and receive divine guidance is quietly sit still and have honest conversations with yourself. Be with yourself to know yourself so that you can grow to fully trust in yourself. Meditation and self inquiry is the key to your transformation. Do no live an unexamined life. Do not relinquish your divine power. Accept that all you experience is your creation. Believe in the infinite nature of possibilities - they key you may have been looking for is buried deep in your pocket. Your existence is both a revelation and a miracle in its own right. All is a spiritual act. All leads to the divine. All is perfectly imperfect. All is well.
