In the midst of a burnout and I’m completely spent. It’s a day to day struggle, this balancing thing. I’ve been feeling the brunt of the heavy lifting involved in these repeated moves. It’s not emotional turmoil, it’s sheer exhaustion. It’s having to talk myself into getting up to wash my hair, go to the dog park, fold laundry or get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet. I’m mentally and physically overwhelmed. There is a queue of furniture currently in need of restoration but now that my partner & I have figured out how to handle each one of these pieces, I can’t even think about getting started. I’m constantly tired. I’m constantly sore. Especially in the upper left area of my back, as well as my neck. Those parts of my body have been hurting day and night - more so than usual. I’ve watched myself tank closer and closer to a burnout and didn’t do enough to stop it other than trying to sleep it off. I’ve realized once and for all that without regular movement, meditation and proper sleep, it’s only a matter of time before I energetically deplete myself which then forces my body to hit “pause” so that I can recharge. I literally need to meditate, journal, burn calories and stretch, on top of eating relatively clean, drinking enough water and clocking in 6 hours of good sleep in order for my body to produce enough energy to get me through the day. For accountability purposes, I will report that I haven’t yet kicked off my new regimen. I usually wake up between 5:30 and 8:30 am, week days or weekends. Today I must have woken up around 10 ish. I took the dogs out, replenished their feeding bowls and jumped right back in bed. I rescheduled a meeting with my partner as well as a sofa pickup and slept until around noon. It’s close to 10 pm now. I’ve eaten lunch, rested all afternoon, eaten dinner, read and slept some more but I still feel tired. B brought home delicious raita, mint sauce, plum chutney, basmati rice, rajma and lamb karahi yesterdya. I’m usually a sucker for savory flavors when it comes to dipping sauces but the chutney was fantastic. The lamb and freshly made raita were equally tasty. I thought that what I had before was moong dal as it seems to be the most popular web search result for yellow dals - I was wrong. What V cooks at home is another version of yellow dal. I had moong dal for the very first time today and it was truly amazing. B never disappoints. There is crusted chicken, steamed cod, prime rib and flank steak with chimichurri sauce piled up in the refrigerator for the weekend. Each day I pinch myself and thank the Universe for the countless ways in which I am provided for. It’s easy to take things for granted when they become so readily available to us - I don’t want to fall into that trap. It’s true that I am tired, which is alright for me to express, but believe me I am not complaining. How could I? I have all that I need to move through life. I’d have to be blind if I couldn’t see it. As always, it is a matter of balancing things so that I can feel and do my best. Back in the days, I would not only beat myself down for being spread thin, I’d try and force myself to perform through physical injuries or mental health collapses resulting in mistakes being made and /or reinforced trauma. Nowadays when burnouts happen, I try my best to slow down rather than press on the gas. I can feel the cumulative load of stressors weighing me down as opposed to being blindsided by it. In case I cannot make the necessary adjustments to call my energy back to me, I let go of what I might have been trying to accomplish and surrender to my body’s call for attention. I try to identify what my body needs in the present moment and how best to supply these things to myself while taking notes on all contributing factors to my energetic crash. I’ve done this enough time now to know exactly what I require to thrive. At this point, the tricky part is to make room for all of those things. As one undergoes a rapid personality change, most certainly coupled with a rapid lifestyle change, the ego puts up a fight to remain in the comfort zone. I can sense that some of the inner tension, pain bodies and chronic fatigue I have been experiencing are physical manifestations of my ego holding onto old patterns out of fear for change. Hearing the voice in my head telling me what I can and cannot do, it is now easy to tell where it’s coming from. I understand that “my” thoughts aren’t mine but simply the echoing of my conditioning. Mastering detachment has taught me to allow space between myself and my thoughts which, in essence, are neither mine nor a representation of what I am at my core. I am merely the innocent, loving and pure awareness of my thoughts which, in actuality, are malleable. I am the observer that observes - nothing more, nothing lessI no longer have an interest in judging “my” thoughts. I no longer seek to have all of my feelings figured out. I just let them be. Sometimes, emotions flow through me that I don’t necessarily understand. It used to bother me. These days, I just sit with them and ask for their truth without interjecting any form of judgement. As I practice listening to “my own” stream of thoughts without reacting to it, I notice how simply being present with my emotional energy allows the energy to flow with ease. In stillness, all moves without friction, delivering the clarity that I’m looking for. I work diligently to replace each “negative” thought with a new thought pattern built around love and empowerment. I do this over and over until full integration is complete. If “negative” thoughts still arise, which I can expect to happen, I simply acknowledge them and persevere in reframing them in a way that is useful. As I continue to re-route my neural pathways by creating new thoughts, as well as new beliefs around these thoughts, my original ego-driven “negative” thoughts fade away. Tuning into a new frequency by raising one’s vibration is a full time job but it is one I’d happily take on for the rest of my life. I’m learning to be on my own side. I’m learning to be soft with myself on hard days and operate under the premise that my needs are non-negotiable. I don’t pigeonhole or rush myself anymore. I can do a lot of things, that I know of, but I also need a lot of rest and recuperation. Most importantly, I am on my own timeline. I care less and less about what other people may think of my choices and more and more about how I feel inside my body and what I think of myself. I mention detachment in almost every journal entry, it is important to mention I do not seek to build a healthy and loving relationship with the self in order to eradicate the need or desire for human connections. I seek to understand my shadow and detach from its perceived wants so that I can choose energetic matches that encourage me to step deeper into my own essence rather than further into self-abandonment. Let me tell you one thing: I am getting exactly that which I’ve been asking for. I’ve already mentioned it in previous posts but, for the sake of context, my dear friend A who has been chanting for nearly two decades has challenged me to practice it daily. She has been on my case ever since. At first I was delighted with how thoughtful and dedicated A was to guiding me on this new journey. I would express gratitude for the friendly reminders and keep her updated on my practice. Soon, I started feeling slightly irritated with receiving the same exact message day after day: “how is chanting going?” Plus it was going so-so. I was only chanting here and there. My ego started to talk me out of it, trying to convince me that I didn’t really need to do what she advocated, that what worked for her wasn’t necessarily going to work for me and that boundaries needed to be established. I would reply that I was busy running errands and would make time for it later or wouldn’t respond at all before a day or two had gone by. I started to pay attention to my reaction when A would touch base with me. Although A was in no way attacking my sovereignty, parts of me were perceiving it as such. My ego didn’t want to be told what to do. Today, when she reached out, I replied that I had fallen off the horse but was planning on making it a part of my daily regimen moving forward. Her response was “Hey, don’t stop chanting.” As I sat with her words in my head, I was reminded of a recent conversation I had with Z about the importance of devotion in the quest for enlightenment and spiritual expansion. It is not until my college years that I grasped the underlying meaning of watching my parents kneel and pray five times per day since I was born. Rituals are established and maintained for a reason. To return to a practice day after day despite the disturbances and surprises that life may bring to us is to reaffirm our commitment to the value and meaning we attach to such practice. I’ve asked the divine powers to strengthen me as I continue to integrate new tools into my lifestyle. I can see now that chanting is simply one of the ways through which I get to anchor myself into higher levels of discipline. What I think about it is of no importance when I know how I feel about it; no need to wait on the long term effects to know that it’s been good to me. I’ve asked for accountability partners to help keep me on track and there is no question that A, Z, J, V and G have appeared to play that role in my life. On a conscious level, I have created my current reality. Nothing is out of place. Nothing feels unwanted. Nothing is a nuisance to me. Even if my monkey mind tries to convince me otherwise, I understand that the daily texts from A are a byproduct of my requests. A has elected to fully step into the role of guide / mentor because I myself have invited her to do so.  Her dedication to keeping me on board is simply an expression of her own commitment to being that which she naturally is - a teacher. It is nothing to fret about. In doing so, she is not only aligning with her highest self, she is also intervening on behalf of my highest self. Listening to the voice of the ego only gives power to older narratives that no longer serve me when in fact I can see that all that I’ve asked for, I’ve received. I have everything I need to carry on in the direction I’m called to pursue. Here are three lessons I can take from today’s entry: 1. I heal by flowing with it, not by forcing things - embracing my own rhythm and surrendering to the process is key. 2. I have no obligation to get through my pains in ways that are understandable or palatable to others but it is my responsibility to recognize where my triggers come from - all thoughts are implanted and can be released / replaced. 3. I am truly grateful for the folks who have inspired me to become a softer, wiser, healthier and more balanced human being - although I know what’s best for me, I appreciate those around me who continuously show up for me and take a genuine interest in my wellbeing even when I feel the need to distance myself. Although I’m tired, I’m in good spirit. All is well. I feel loved and cared for. I feel at peace with myself, my decisions and my short term goals. I have a day full of manual labor ahead of me so I’m just going to be realistic and focus on getting through that. My business partner and I won’t be linking up until late morning so tomorrow is my last chance to sleep in before I hit the “reset” button on Monday. I’ll make sure to enjoy that.  Who needs the gym when you can move furniture up and down, in, out and around all day? I said I wanted to paint more and here I am getting ready to apply fabric paint over sofas and upholstered beds. Well, that’s a whole lot of painting… Ah! Again, be careful what you wish for. Your thoughts are incredibly powerful so speak good words into your life and don’t allow your ego to run the show. When in doubt, follow your intuition. Your highest self comes through when you are most calm and never tries to force anything on you. If it’s emotional, agitated, chaotic and confused, know that it isn’t your highest self communicating with you. Step back and allow clarity to set in. Observe, don’t judge. Seize the opportunity to learn more about your triggers and what they are trying to reveal to you then act upon the knowledge that you’ve gathered about yourself. That’s all there is to it. Frustration has no place in this process of self observation and shadow integration. Frustration perturbs your natural flow. To evolve beyond thoughts you have to not only be honest with yourself, you must also be patient. Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle once said that getting mad at yourself for slipping back into old habits is like getting mad at yourself for shivering when it’s cold. Think about it… It serves no purpose for it is just what you are wired to do. New habits are new because we don’t have a lot of practice with them yet - we’re not good at them yet. There is an adjustment period between learning and implementing. Paradigms are shifted simply with awareness. That may occur in an instant. Discipline allows you to lock yourself into higher frequencies. That may take time. Each day, you get to choose where you want your energy to flow so choose wisely. Be intentional about keeping your attention on those things. That is where your power lies. Remember dear one, your power isn’t to be played with. I’m telling you this so I can remind myself in the same breath that I / you am / are powerful beyond measure. What I / you couldn’t do today, I / you do it tomorrow. If I / you struggle with it, I / you get to go about it another way the next day. With each rising sun comes an opportunity to align with my / your highest self - I / you ought to honor that. Each time I / you can, I / you ought to choose that for myself / yourself. No matter where I / you land, I / you can never “loose”so long as lessons are learned. Jaznel Mosby warns that challenging old patterns and leaning into embodying new ways of being can and most likely will induce extreme discomfort, even anxiety, due to ego (the ones who keeps us safe) fighting for dear life. As we move through that discomfort, she urges to remember our why and breathe through it. Spirit’s presence in my life is so immediate that I can accept any outcome as what needs to happen at that moment for me to move along the path towards reaching my highest potential.

All is unfolding as it should so there’s no need to worry. I’m in good hands.

Appreciation post:

As I lay in bed to rest, I am called to pray for strength and guidance along my journey while I strive to tune in even more with myself and bring forth my vision of the months ahead. As described in a previous post, tomorrow will kick off a regimented lifestyle based on a daily schedule that is set to begin every morning at 5 am. This strict implementation isn’t meant to overwhelm me. On the contrary, it has for intent to streamline my day to day activities and ensure that I dedicate enough time and attention to all of the things in my life that I require in order to feel balanced and energized. As I lay in bed to rest, I am also called to express my gratitude for my mentor and friend who has seen me through the roughest of storms. I used to work as a junior consultant for G who is Swedish and twice my age but has been in my life in a far greater capacity than that of an employer. I recently noticed that I typically refer to him as my old boss and perhaps it is to readily explain the age difference but, before anything else, he is a trusted friend. There aren’t many I trust. Nowadays it comes paired with a gut feeling I know I can interpret correctly. G is like a family member I can talk to about virtually anything going on in my life - a cool uncle or older cousin I can confide in and work through things with. He is also this mischievous friend I can talk smack to and poke fun at myself with. He is like a teammate that helps me see the light in my darkest moments and pushes me back into the training room. Despite the hierarchy characterizing our positions he rarely regarded me as subservient to him. Whenever he implied that he was above me in the chain of command, which was absolutely the case, he would follow up with highlighting the fact that we were more so partners in business - as if to correct himself of his own accord. Although I also assumed the role of personal assistant for many years and was tasked with things he couldn’t be bothered with, I was truly made to feel like his partner in business during my time working under his direction. I was never micro managed. I was trusted with sensitive information about client’s product launches and included in unfolding communication with designers or manufacturers. I was involved each step of the way, being shown how to source just about anything, build relationships with suppliers, navigate crises and meet deadlines. In every lunch meeting, every office meeting, every room, I was introduced as G’s partner. G has always been straightforward in his business approach, much like he is in life. If he commits to a project, he will give it his best shot. If he cannot do something, he’ll say why. I didn’t felt the need to wear a mask or filter my thoughts around him for very long. We seem to have always held space for each other’s opinions even when we vehemently disagree with one another. Occasionally butting heads on how to go about things hasn’t made us respect each other any less. Our mutual propensity to seek out the best outcome and quickly achieve conflict resolution has actually strengthened our bond over time. The age difference has never been a cause for awkwardness or friction; we attribute great value to what the other has to say and can both be flexible. If what the other says makes more sense, we’re both willing to acknowledge it and let go, which makes working together easy. G has been open to learning from me and my background as much as I have been interested in learning from him and his background. Prior to settling in the Unites States, he has lived in various European countries as well as northern Africa, hence he is no stranger to displacement. Beneath the surface of his tech nerd profile lies a deep love for nature and craftsmanship. Like me, he has a cemetery of abandoned hobbies that once upon a time would set him free such as flying planes or camping off-grid. He is a rather interesting character. Unassuming on the surface but quite colorful once the top layer has peeled away. We crack each other up and call each other out all the time. We check in on one another, offer each other words of advice and have a bond forged in deep trust. It feels to me that we are mirror souls experiencing life at different stages. When my back was against the wall and I didn’t know where to turn he volunteered to be my co-signer and help me secure housing. He loaned me an emergency fund based on my furniture stock and sales projections for Spring and Summer 2022. He offered to get me on board with a project he was working on when I desperately needed a source of income. He became a lifeline throughout my transition. He dropped off meds and groceries when I got sick with Covid and gave me space during times I felt unwell - no question asked. When I decided that I wanted to focus on my art and fully dedicate to my recovery, I expressed that to him as honestly as I could and he perfectly understood where I was coming from. There was no pressure to take on the job or anything I didn’t wish to commit myself to. There was no urgency to pay him back immediately - he gave me time to figure out my next step and showed me grace. When I hit a dry spell due to the unpredictability of the market, he loaned me a little more money to get me through that hump, certain that I would multiply it. When I was losing faith, he straightened me out. He believed in me even when I doubted myself and kept me focused on the bigger picture. He encouraged me to exploit my gifts if I felt it was the only thing that was making sense to me moving forward. He not only encouraged me and uplifted me when I was low, he invested in me when all the odds were against me. He had no doubt whatsoever. He spotted me money to buy dog food and art supplies. Even when my plans didn’t align with his, he nudged me to follow my intuition and do what I felt was in my best interest. I regularly take his advice; that’s of course when it makes sense to me. When I don’t, he accepts that there is a reason for it and watches me carve my own path. If ever in need of help, he shows up for me and empowers me to resolve my own problems. If I bring an idea to him, he listens carefully. If he can help improve it in any way, he kindly offers suggestions. If he doesn’t understand it, he asks relevant questions and tries to see things from my point of view. I do the same in return but he’s more patient than me at it. I’ve learned a great deal from him, in business and in life. He sometimes declares that he trusts me with his life because he sees right through me and knows my heart. I often say that we must be kindred spirits because we understand each other’s ways too well . We can hold a mirror to each other’s face with integrity. We rarely clash over strategies and methods. When we do, we clear things up and move on. I know that he looks out for me and my interests in the same way that I look out for him and his interests. Until just a few days ago, I owed G close to 6 grand. It was impossible for me to start from scratch without a clean slate. I knew it and obsessed over ways to generate money so I could quickly pay off my balance. Clearing my debt became my priority but the location rental business I was working to set up was too slow to take hold and opportunities to flip furniture were scarce without capital. I was losing resolve and internally freaking out, ready to take a meaningless job and surrender all of my time in order to get by. I was fed up with being so stressed out about due dates for other payments and was giving into the fears birthed by a lack mindset. He talked me out of taking a job that would surely get in the way of my personal goals. Deep down I had no desire to go down that route so my highest self sided with him real quick, emphasizing the reasons why it made so little sense for me to do that. I knew it wasn’t the right call. I was just preoccupied with showing that I was determined to do all I could to honor my word. Oh but thank God he talked me out of a sales job and a daily commute to Granada Hills… That’s not the point though. The point is that  G demonstrated patience and administered the proper medicine when I needed it. He helps me to reframe my perspective even when things feel stagnant. He helps me to push myself even when I don’t want to hear it. He was right to encourage me to stay calm and keep at it; all I needed was to stick it out a bit longer. July delivered a winning streak of lucky finds that I was able to flip fast. They brought in a nice stack of cash which wiped away a large chunk of my debt. In just one week I was able to turn things around. It didn’t occur to me until this afternoon that one of these find was my highest grossing piece of furniture I have ever sold. I made $2200 in net profit on a sectional sofa, purchased cash by the buyer and picked up by movers the same day. It is the most I’ve made in a single item transaction. Until then, $1400 was my record. Two days later I made $900 in net profit with another designer sofa I got the opportunity to rescue in exchange for peanuts. Out of those sales I pocketed $600 and surrendered the rest but what makes me most proud is that both of these items were headed towards imminent discard. They were being given away and would have ended up in the dumpster if not collected on time - their rightful owners were moving away and didn’t want to go through the hassle of finding these stunning pieces a new home. Well, that right there is the thrilling part so lucky me. I love nothing more than to spot significant value in someone else’s trash and turn that into a profit that is well worth my time. I do my best to recognize an opportunity, express gratitude for it, offer to immediately act on it, co-ordinate pick up, restore it if necessary, stage it, photograph it, list it and turn it into an asset. It took me a day and a half to figure out how to best deal with velvet and treat it to a face lift. I had to deep clean an oversized ottoman and all 14 cushions (seating + back rests), as well as the armrest and side panels of this big and bold terracotta sectional sofa. I had to do it all carefully, by hands. By the time my work was complete and all of the loose threads were trimmed it looked as good as new. It was indeed well worth my time and efforts. It was a gorgeous vintage find and a perfect fit for my living room setup - I could have gotten used to it. I had several interested parties and ended up selling the sofa for asking price in just a few days. It went to some production company for the set of some show I can’t recall the name of; nothing I’ve ever heard of before. In hindsight, I believe I could have gotten an extra $300 to $400 for that set. It was an absolute gem! G helped me with transport. If it wasn’t for him, I’m not sure I would have inherited this beauty and clocked in this sale. The two movers I usually work with have been unreliable as of late. Not that it is their fault. One has been overbooked. The other has had recurring issue with his truck. I’ve missed out on a handful of opportunities due to challenges surrounding prompt pick ups. I scored on a handful of other phenomenal pieces this month that I was able to pick up, load and unload, with G’s help. My aunt who has known about G and his influence in my life once told me that people like him are angels placed on our path to assist in our evolution process. I believe that as well. I would have been lost without his generosity, patience, counsel and faith in me. To have someone like that in my corner is an immeasurable blessing. To have generated the most cash out of furniture sales since 2022 started is also a great blessing. To have made that happen during my most difficult month from what would have been mislabeled as junk is the cherry on top; the money I make is positively charged. There’s still a week left in July and I have half a dozen items listed on the web or in the process of being revamped and advertised. I’m grateful to be able to do what I do with the help of goodhearted and honest people such as G who genuinely care about my wellbeing and want to see me do well. My hustle is not a one person’s hustle. It yields maximum results and flows easier with a partner I can depend on. However, connecting with the right partner is no easy task. G just so happen to be keen on wood working and furniture restoration. Tell me now, how could I believe in coincidences? Just like with Z, A and J, we seem to perfectly align and balance out one another’s personality at various levels. G had not foreseen this as something he’d be getting into but he now gets a kick out of flipping furniture. He finds it even more satisfying when refurbishing and upcycling are part of the equation. I think he appreciates me very much because he sees parts of myself in him. I do too. Each other’s mirrors and keepers we are. If death was to claim me, G would probably be the first to know and inform my family. When I slack off or do something I’m not necessarily proud of, such as distancing myself from my parents because my interactions with them feel either unauthentic or too emotionally taxing, I’m not shameful or afraid to open up to him about what I observe in my own behaviors. I’m transparent about my patterns and triggers for I know that I can rely on him to be mindful of them as opposed to leveraging them against me. It is a big statement to make but after giving it some thoughts I can confidently make it: if my time on earth came to an abrupt end, he would be the one person I trust with the relocation and management of my art. I feel his handling of my creations would be most in line with my original vision and desire. The truth of the matter is that I’d trust G over family members. I’d trust G to care for my pets in my absence. I’d trust G with watching my future children if such scenario presented itself. I’d trust G him with my finances, investments, contractual obligations and documentation. He knows more about me and what I’ve gone through than most people in my life. My wish is to pay him back in full prior to November while establishing a strong foundation for myself. Lately I’ve had my doubts but I’m now convinced that I can do all of that and more. I believe I can turn my life around faster than I can imagine by simply sticking to what feels right and in alignment with my soul’s purpose. The rest of of 2022 will constitute a prolonged period of intense integration for me. I cannot let up. I cannot relax just yet. There are things I’d like to see come to fruition sooner than later and it’s up to me create a momentum that I can harness over time. In order for me to thrive, I have to set myself up for it. I must call all of my energy back to me and create the optimal conditions for my creative channels to open up. Although I have unwavering trust in divine timing, I know the role I must play in manifesting the kind of life I desire for myself. I know what I require to feel my best and I understand that all I have to do is honor those requirements with uncompromising discipline. It is both simple and hard. It is both incredibly demanding and rewarding. Now is the time to further invest in myself. I ought to cut myself off from anything that pulls me down energetically or causes me to shrink. I ought to clear space to receive what is vibrationally aligned with who I’m becoming, what I’m doing and where I’m going. I ought to put in the work, stay patient and stand out of my own way. I ought to rid myself of unnecessary distraction and continue to prioritize wellness, truth, intentionality, learning, experimenting, as well as vulnerability with self and others. As I prepare to shift my regimen, I have high hopes that I will unlock deeper levels of understanding and compassion for self, which will in turn allow me to better understand and commune with those around me. In the pursuit of my dreams, I ask to be inspired to do what would best serve the collective and be given the strength to achieve it no matter the difficulties I encounter on my journey. On this day I give thanks for all of those who have greeted me with joy, genuine support and clarity - especially G. I pray for peace in his heart and the hearts of those who are dear to him. He has a sister who has survived severe narcissistic abuse from a man who is now incarcerated for some other reckless act he committed. Unfortunately, they have children together. G understands. We don’t even need to get into it; he just gets it. He has witnessed the aftermath of highly toxic relationships. He knows what it takes to reclaim one’s sense of self and heal from codependency issues. He doesn’t let me wallow in self pity. He doesn’t let me stew. He simply allows me to be human. I hope that he is protected and sustained so that we may continue to shine our light in each other’s lives for many years to come. He probably won’t ever read this entry but who knows, maybe one day I’ll read it to him. G & I don’t do the sappy stuff but every once in a while I feel the urge to express just how grateful I am to count him as a supporter and friend. Tomorrow, when we connect to go over weekend deliveries, I will share some of these words face to face. I won’t assume that he already knows where I stand. I won’t be settling for that. He’ll probably play it down or laugh it off but I know it’ll mean something that I speak it. I usually write these things you know… It’s often easier than verbalizing them. Sometimes, however, people need to hear you say what you have to say while looking them in the eye and I’m a lot better these days at putting my guards down to speak entirely from the heart. Earlier this year, when G stepped in to help me out of a jam, I didn’t know whether to trust him. I feared his help could stem from some sort of need for control and was cautious about accepting any care package with strings attached to it. Despite feeling isolated and being in desperate need of assistance, I knew I was at my most vulnerable. I refused for anyone to exercise any type of reign over me. I wasn’t willing to jeopardize my sovereignty after the fight I had to put up in order to break the spell I was under. I first toyed with the idea of taking the job he had offered me but something about it felt off. The illusion of a job “security” was attractive but I sensed it wasn’t the right fit for me and was only going to delay my manifestations. With that in mind I was concerned that G wouldn’t take it well if I turned down an opportunity like that. He needed help and had been thinking of hiring someone so he could delegate work. I felt I wasn’t the right candidate but didn’t want to come off as unappreciative. I ultimately saw it as a moment of truth for I knew I no longer wanted to work in that field, in any capacity. I stood my ground and honestly shared my sentiment. I didn’t want to betray the promises I had made to myself regarding the paths I felt called to explore next. Besides, I needed time to heal - plenty of it. Did he see value in me outside of the context he had placed me in? Did he really care about what was best for me? Was he willing to help me if not on his terms? If he could respect my decision and still extend his support to me without trying to impose his will on me then I’d have reasons to feel safe opening up to him, sharing my struggles, describing my goals and receiving his guidance. If not, I’d accept that it was strictly business and that I had to sort out my personal issues elsewhere. After many years of working together, fully trusting in G is not something that I regret. G has demonstrated to me in recent months that he has no agenda other than my agenda, despite having lost touch and reconnected with him at the most trying time of my life he’s been there when it counts. So yeah, in case you ever read this G, thank you… I lack the words to express my gratitude for all that you’ve done for me. Whenever I try to, you won’t let me go on for long. I know that you know but still, you deserve to hear it more often. You are rock solid and your heart is golden. You’ve done a lot and I could never forget it. As a matter of fact, why wait until tomorrow when I can send a message that says: “Thank you dear one. It is an honor and privilege to know you. Thank you for all that you do. I don’t say it enough, leaving things for tomorrow while tomorrow is never promised. With this prayer in my heart, I won’t just assume that you know - I’d rather know that you know for sure. We don’t always see eye to eye but through it all you’ve been real and that’s more than I could ask for. Thank you for being you. Thank you for believing in me. Whenever I forget who I am, you’re there to remind me. I believe it is what friends do for one another. You have given me the gift of one of the most dependable and functional relationships I’ve had in my adult life and I cherish you with all my heart for being my sounding board whenever I need one. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” So that’s it for my appreciation post… That’s all I got on G - for now. What about you? Do you have a G in your sphere? Have you expressed you gratitude for that being’s presence in your life? What’s your G story? What has such relationship taught you about yourself?

#ThankYouDearOne #KindredSpirit #AccountabilityPartner #BusinessPartner #SoulTribe #SoulMate #OldSoul #YoungHeart #EarthAngel #RadicalHonesty #MutualTrust #Representative #Mentor #Friend #Family #Lifeboat #Rock #Mirror #ThisGuyMyFriend #VulnerabilityIsStrength #ShowYourPain #OwnYourTruth #FaceYourFears #SpeakYourMind #DoYourBest #BeOfService #FindYourTribe #InvestInPeople #NotThings #BeHonest #MeanWell #BuildBridges #DivineGuidance #DivineProtection #Perseverance #Focus #Faith #AllIsWell #KeepOnGoing #TrialsAndTribulation #AscendAndTryAgain

On making space:

I find that it is often easier for me to interact with animals and plants. Because communication is of primal nature, it is purely energetic. It is simplified, direct and unequivocal in a way that that seems easier to decipher than human to human communication. Except for a select few, I have difficulties interfacing with people around me. I now speak on how I feel, saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I am intentional with my words and clean up my speech whenever I say the wrong thing. I give freely, trusting in the fact that it will come back to me. Whenever I’m allowed to and feel safe in doing so, I love on people and voice my support for them in the way that I desire to be loved and supported. However it’s not tit for tat. I assume good things and hope for the best but I do not stay attached to a particular outcome - I can no longer afford to. People come and go. I accept the fact that few will be willing or able to meet me where I am and that it is perfectly okay; not all are meant to travel with me. I give because it is my prerogative to give and I show openness because it my choice to be open but I try not be enslaved by my expectations. I am often met with disappointment when I fixate on a result or try to control things. Things work themselves out effortlessly when I’m not trying hard. In case there is a lack of reciprocal efforts, I can count on myself or the Universe to remove the source of unbalance from my present reality by way of divine intervention. Although people are typically drawn to authenticity, I find that they soon start to question my motives or feel triggered by the words I speak for I don’t shy away from sharing my thoughts, expressing my feelings, praising others or pointing out their shadow side. Some love me for practicing radical honesty until I demand the same from them. They then consciously or subconsciously distance themselves, trying to figure me out, wondering what I’m after and where the catch. There is none - except I’m gone. Energy doesn’t lie. I can pick up on subtle cues that let me know whether or not it’s a safe space for me and now more than ever before I play close attention to them. I give the benefit of the doubt but not as much as I used to. Once again, I can’t afford to. My doors are open but that does not mean that I would or should invite all energies to waltz into my field and hold space indefinitely. Having a history doesn’t qualify as a criteria for eligibility; if it doesn’t feel align, I ask that it reveals itself to me so that it can be released. Talking about getting down to the nitty gritty of what no longer belongs in my energetic space, I’ve spent the weekend removing roughly 800 followers from my instagram account. It was long overdue. I can feel the space that has opened up around me and I needed that. I started with spam accounts and obvious bots as well as accounts which had not been active since prior to the pandemic. There were accounts friends had created but had abandoned along the way. There were accounts I simply no longer resonated with. Confession time: back in my mid twenties, when I was trying my hands at wardrobe styling, I had succumbed to the pressure of growing my following in a vain attempt to attract more opportunities. One I didn’t understand is that you can’t cheat your way through manifesting: it just won’t turn out the way you imagine that it will. I bought followers. 500 of them. Of course, real followers and organic engagement was promised but what I ended up with was a small army of bots with virtually zero engagement. It was silly. Similarly, as I wrapped up on the renovations last fall, getting ready to launch the location rental business as well as diving deeper into interior design and property staging, I bought a yearly subscription for supposedly “slow drip” likes. I thought it could help boost my brand as I reengaged with social media and started creating interior and lifestyle content. Came November, social media was the least of my concern as everything came crashing down around me. I’m not embarrassed to share this. Sadly I’m not the first to have caved under the pressure to increase follower count and solidify one’s online presence. I probably won’t be the last either. I have months to go with this subscription and cannot stop it. It is now more of a burden than anything else as I no longer seek to build a design “brand” or an “artist” brand. I just want to be myself and record my process as I evolve. I perceive my life and my beingness as the art. I want to share my experiences and tools. I want to start difficult conversations around mental health, energy drainers and narcissistic abuse. I’ll boil it down to five followers if I must but I will foster a space in which I can thrive and have open dialogues with others on a variety of deeply intimate topic. I want to act as a mirror for others by openly sharing my struggles and diligently working through them as I heal and fall deeper in love with myself. That’s what I want. In my attempt to merge with my highest self, I will continue to shed layers of conditioning and redirect my energy towards that which supports my growth. 

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