i’ve been working on an entry for a few days now but it’s been deeply intimate and rather difficult to process. A lot harder to articulate than I had anticipated. Simultaneously, it’s been tied to the importance of cultivating patience. How fitting is it that it has taken longer than I’d like to materialize? The conclusion I’ve reached is that this entry will be shared when it’s ready - no need to rush it. It will take however long it takes but I trust that it’ll come out eventually.
I’ve been debating on where to draw the line as it relates to aspects of my personal experience I am willing to expose. It’s been a tricky and unfamiliar one. As I embrace radical honesty with myself and others, what is off limit - what do I retain for myself? I feel continuously pressed to push the limits further into vulnerable territories. The more I entertain the idea, the less scary it becomes. I used to be terrified of my demons peeking out of the closet. Now, I dance with them and kindly send them away post-session. There isn’t a thing about me that I don’t fully own. There isn’t a side to me that I’m not willing to confront.
Also, I don’t know if I’ve remarked this enough but aside from a renewed sense of self, I need the outside world to have access to my frame of thoughts as I go through this process. Good days. Bad days. No matter how it translates, I don’t intend to pretend for anyone. I’m going to show up exactly as I am. If it looks like I’m putting on a show, it’s probably because I’m doing just the opposite. In due time you’ll come to learn that all polarities can be reconciled - if you haven’t already. What I do may seem strange. However, it is so not because it is done, but because it is shared.
I, for one, used to be hermetically sealed and virtually unable to communicate my innermost feelings. I am now revolutionarily wide open and cannot stop searching for new ways to communicate my innermost feelings. To speak up, to write, to keep records, to spend time with self, to explore, to express, is not only a valuable growth checker and self awareness tool, it has become a safety rail too. It’s a defense mechanism of sort. I have to be as still, honest and transparent as I possibly can for I understand that predatory entities take refuge in agitation, confusion and misunderstanding. The devil I know cannot catch me where I reside. The devil I know won’t dare standing naked in the light. The devil I know moves in the darkness. In case anything were to happen to me under suspicious circumstances, my mental state can be tapped into. If anything remotely strange were to take place, my folks should have an idea of what is being worked on, what my daily routine is comprised of, and what gets my blood pumping. I have everything to live for. One thing I’m not is suicidal. I realize it’s an odd statement to make - except in this case - from where I stand, it isn’t odd. I happen to know why I feel prompted to take such drastic measures and live my - true - life out in the open.
This is for me. This is for the lovely daughter I’ll be blessed with one day. This is for noticing when it counts. This is for prioritizing my integrity and wellbeing over the opinions of others. My posture is required to make sense to no one but myself, so long as it allows me to feel safe. Some may struggle to grapple with what it is I’m doing and yet what I’m doing is quite simple. I’ve devoted myself to fully committing to and documenting my healing process. No filter whatsoever. It’s me keeping myself accountable, doing the inner work, day in and day out, investing in myself, being gentle with myself, nurturing my inner child, practicing my craft, unraveling authentically.
Why tell you about self love and self healing when I can show you? Why glorify vulnerability unless I’m going to practice what I preach? It may be unsettling for some but it is nonetheless quite logical what it is I’m doing, when you give it some thoughts. I am simply existing in public just as I am in private. I am choosing to embody radical honesty and to be as impeccable with my words as I can humanely be, irrespective of what society expects of a being of the same age bracket, in possession of similar genetic makeup, education level and cultural history. I’d rather walk alone, with no resonance, no reflector, no noise, rather than being pressured to exist as anything other than what I am.
My number one focus is my wellness at this time; it isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on. This enduring commitment to write it out is an experiment to some degree. I don’t know where it leads but the results will be in soon enough. I choose to practice radical honesty and embody my most authentic self in any given scenario. That’s the promise I’ve made to my highest self, in honor of my inner child. Under no circumstance will I break it, so that’s basically what I’m doing now - that’s just life.