The monstera has been doing fantastic in its new home. In late February, I was able to relocate my plant gang to the space in which I currently reside, or what was left of it. Thankfully, I was able to rescue about a third of them ahead of finding a new spot but out of the ones I was forced to temporarily leave behind many didn’t survive the two months transitional gap - they had died of thirst. When I finally could have the bigger plants packed up and dropped off by the moving company, my fenestrated lady was in great distress. The leaves were droopy and their tips were starting to brown. Fast forward to this moment and it’s doing better than ever before. Spring and Summer have delivered two new leaves, the second of which is currently in the process of unfurling. Bearing witness of such a stunning burgeoning of life and silent expansion of matter into physical space over the next week will serve as a potent reminder that living organisms shall thrive given the right environment. Like many, I’ve professed this in countless ways before but honestly, truly, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of plant life metaphors and gardening analogies. They capture the essence of being so fluently. Anyhow, that is the tea on my monstera and what’s been going on around here. Today has been fantastic and yet it’s only 3 pm - claiming more fantastic dopeness to manifest in my reality. Shit, this week has been terrific and it’s only Tuesday afternoon. The Lion’s gate portal (cosmic alignment of The Sun, planet Earth and the start Sirius) will remain open until August 12th and was at its peak yesterday. It is magnificent time for energetic upgrade and manifestation. Strangely, I woke up to exactly $7,77 in my account after paying all my bills and debt clearing installments but today has brought down a windfall that I am so grateful to receive as I finally launch this new business and stream of income. The team I collaborated with was wonderful and extremely professional. It couldn’t have gone any smoother for a first booking - I’m truly happy. I’m happy to release stress, surrender fear, shed old programming and do away with whatever limiting belief I still subconsciously cultivate in my psyche. Today, I’m not feeling any dead weight - I’m floating. It’s been my general sentiment since August started. The willingness and ability to find peace in any situation is a divine gift worth all the silver and gold this earth has to offer. If I got more and more and more and more and still couldn’t find true solace and unadulterated joy in living, I’d want to off myself. What’s the point of accumulation in the face of chronic dissatisfaction? Money sure does make life easier. Growing up, my folks have set the bar high for me when it comes to material comfort. Having been with and without, I humbly recognize what is of infinite value to me. I also know that I’ve got it. I’ve got it man… Thanking Spirit for the many blessings in my life. I will not rebel against what’s been working for me. I will not be standing in my own way. Plenty more efforts are waiting to be invested in worthwhile dreams. Plenty more creations are awaiting their birth. My body has been learning its own rhythm and my potential is no longer quietly sitting in the back of the room, hoping to be noticed. Since I’ve stopped offering my energy to people, places and things that fail to offer any kind of return on investment, everything has changed. If I’ve given it a fair chance and it produced no fruit, I’m ready to let that shit go and plant new seeds. Everything we are made of is alive and lives forever, in one form or another. How could I not see that? How could I not feel that? How could I not be grateful beyond measure. Sidenote: just checked my phone and the clock shows 3:33. Thank you Universe! I know you hear me playa! All this to say that I have watered my seeds with love and I’m now ready for harvest. Grateful, humbled, and very excited to begin a new cycle. It is one in which I welcome optimal health, unabridged independence and financial abundance so that my vision for the life I seek and the things I so deeply wish to contribute to the collective can be fulfilled easily and effortlessly. On this journey, I am only inviting relationships that bring me closer to myself and Source. That is all I need. And so it is.
Checking in for a brief (who am I kidding?) recap of the past 10 days.
The end of July was a bit rocky, challenging and stressful but August brought in a new dawn. With each passing day, I feel more like myself and in flow with the current tasks, confident that they will get handled in due time and that all that is required for their completion will be provided. If time has proven one thing it is that I always figure things out and, in doing do, I am always guided and protected. A handful of great things have happened since my last entry.
For starter, I got news on August 2nd that my divorce was finalized. The knowing that I am no longer legally bound to a sketchy and obscure individual has brought a lot of comfort. It prompted the thought that ritualized celebration around divorce should be normalized. If beginnings are commemorated, endings should as well. Especially when a commitment has caused great suffering. My belief is that the termination of such duplicitous commitments ought to not only be acknowledged, but also revered, as it constitutes an act of sovereignty which consciously calls for a new beginning. Anyhow, that was a big day for me. You bet I celebrated with a wake, bake, and shake it dance session. It felt GOOD - so good. It sure helps with turning the page. Coincidentally, the night before I got word that the court documents were in, signifying that my divorce was official, I had a particularly vivid dream which stuck with me. That’s what I’m most interested in talking about as I’ve been dissecting it since. Interestingly enough, I haven’t been able to recall my dreams in a quite a while although I’ve kept a journal near my bed. This time was different. I was at a gala party with heaps of people dressed in formal attire - a fancy affair. I was accompanied by a friend I had never seen in real life but seemed to know very well in my dream. The event was being held at someone’s estate. It wasn’t a public establishment. As my friend and I walked up the stairs to merge with a group of people either she or myself knew, I screamed with pain. Something had gotten inside my shoe and stuck in my foot. I grabbed a hold of the railing beside me, slipped out of my right show and looked beneath my foot; something was lodged in there. I looked closer and noticed it was a perfectly shaped iridescent hexagonal pyramid cutting through the flesh, about an inch deep in the middle of my foot. I instinctively tried to pull it out with my fingers but it only resulted in me pushing it further in which then freaked me out. I let go of it and put my foot down, begging for my friend to pull it out. She drew nearer to take a look. I lifted my foot again and realized that although that big rock had been pushed deep inside my foot, making room around its angular top part for blood to gush out, no blood was coming out. The wound was thoroughly dry. No swelling. No redness. No sign of trauma whatsoever. It was just my foot with this perfect crystal like foreign object set exactly at the center of it. Still, I was afraid to pull it out. It would certainly hurt like hell? Would it not? Soon, I realized I only felt a sharp pain upon noticing it was in my foot. As I debated over taking it out, the pain itself was gone. My friend looked at me with a look of horror. She wasn’t going to do it. I needed to. I closed my eyes, took a deep breathe… And then I woke up. The clock was about to hit 4:44. I rose out of bed feeling a sharp pain in my right foot. I got up, walked over to my dresser to grab something and could still feel as if something was tuck in my foot. Of course, nothing was happening. I knew it. The mind is mighty powerful like that. I grabbed my phone and proceeded with researching the symbology of all the noteworthy aspects revealed to me in my dream. I also spent some time meditating on it with pure intentions, asking that the meaning of my dream be conferred on me with clarity. Here is what I gathered. Broken glass cutting through skin is widely interpreted as unprocessed trauma. Here, however, the glass wasn’t broken. In fact, it was perfectly shaped and preserved - fully intact. As you’d imagine, right and left have different connotations attached to them and the right foot is believed to signal a current situation preventing the dreamer from moving forward and achieving their goals. On Quora, someone asked: I had a dream (nightmare) that I somehow stepped on large pieces of broken glass. The glass shards were large and stuck in my foot snug so that when I pulled even slightly, blood would come out gushing.” Here is what someone had to say about it: “There was some major setback on your life path recently, and there is no visible escape - like if you remove the glass, you’ll die from blood loss - symbolically… It seems you need outside help - like in the stepping on glass shards situation, you would need to be taken to the emergency room, right? So you need something like that to rescue you in real life - might be professional help - a therapist, divorce attorney, financial consultant, etc - to remedy the bad situation you are in. Do not be shy to ask for help as it is too overwhelming for you to be bare alone.” I also reckoned that broken glass may symbolize negativity, unfulfilled promises, wasted dreams and disappointment in life - it may symbolize a broken heart / an emotional relationship that has ended, emotional pain we experience in life or the obstacles in our way in some aspects of life. The gag is; the glass wasn’t broken or scratched up one bit. I went on to research the symbolism of cones: celebration (as in the shape of a party hat) and abundance (as in the shape of a cornucopia). Okay, noted. What about the hexagon? The hexagon is the universal average and has the best torque for mechanical engineering. Every polygon has an equilateral form, with the angles equally divided and congruent, but the hexagon is different. If you add any more sides to a hexagon, it’s more circular than polygonal. if you subtract any more sides, it’s more polygonal than circular. This fact only resonates with on such a deep level that I feel I could write a dissertation on the association between hexagonal shapes and my dual approach to existentialism and all the things that make up my human experience, but I digress. What this means is that hexagons create best possible torques, hence why this shape is used in nuts or the joints of pipes. Circles are the shape with all points equally distant from the center, perfectly symmetrical from all angles, most symmetrically load and stress. So between a three-sided polygon, and an infinite-sided shape (a circle), the six-sided hexagon is the exact middle compromise. This is also why hexagons are structurally stable - their regularity and evenness of shape allows them to repeat, and their near-circularity allows maximum load distribution. Fun fact: a massive 6 sided shape hexagonal storm large enough to fit the planet Earth can be found on the north pole of Saturn. Saturn just so happen to be the 6th planet from the Sun and is the Roman god of law enforcement, discipline, order and structure, as the planet symbolized in astrology as well and its notable that such a clearly delineated structure appears on its surface made of all things air + gas. Because space and time are closely related, time is needed to instantiate anything as real at all. The hexagon’s perfect compromise between polygonality and circularity also implies something radical about the nature of time itself; its inherently contains a rhythm of its own interruption - time’s segmentation versus time’s flow. That’s another thematic I’d happily run with and write a dissertation about. Here’s something for you to think about: “The hexagon’s compromise between polygonality and circularity symbolizes the seasonal compromise and alternation between time flowing and time abolishing itself, built into the nature and rhythm of time itself. And yet, time exists in painful quantifiable increments much of the time which are absolutely necessary to make us appreciate the party-times when time is abolished. This necessary alternation between imprisonment and liberation is nature of time. Thus the hexagon represents time.” Mmmm… Okay. The hexagon’s nearness to circularity while still possessing angles make it all the more emblematic for it is a collection of lines, angles, blank and filled space with a usual appearance in equilateral, symmetrical form which suggests a humanely relatable touch. It is aesthetic. It is geometric. It is orderly. It is, as I understand it, a nexus at which matter and consciousness converge and intersect.When it comes to the color of what I’m tempted to refer to as a perfectly carved crystal, I had a great feeling from the jump but I still needed confirmation for what my intuition was telling me. Positively speaking, dreaming of iridescent colors represents cleanliness, beauty and angelic activity. Iridescent colors are often attached to the Holy spirit, God or the Heavens, indicating a heavenly presence in the dreamer’s life. Negatively speaking, dreaming of iridescent colors could represent enchantment or enticement, indicating that the enemy is going to tempt / test the dreamer. Iridescent colors are luminous colors that seem to change when seen from different angles. Taking into consideration what showed up in my dreams, in what context in showed up and how I felt toward it, I perceive this dream as an excellent omen and one I was meant to remember upon waking up. Sometimes, there is more fear surrounding a call to action than the action itself. My first reaction was to call for help, hoping that someone would come to my rescue and take the pain away although it turned out that I was perfectly capable of doing that for myself. I was afraid of blood gushing out and me making a mess at the party or not being able to handle the release but none of those fears were real and the wound was clean as a whistle - I was magically not bleeding and the tissue around the punctured skin has suffered no damage or trauma whatsoever. The crystal was set in as if it belonged there, not impairing anything around it - simply asking to be felt, seen and collected. I felt pain, but it was not nearly as bad as it looked. It was simply signaling where my attention needed to go in order to notice the crystal. The pain was mostly a byproduct of discomfort. As soon as I got comfortable with the idea of assisting / rescuing / healing myself, I embraced the perceived amount of pain I anticipated to feel which conversely caused for the actual pain to fade away - I was ready to pull it out. I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew I was going to be okay. After all, I had flipped my own finger backward into place, soothe myself for months and healed from the injuries on my own, without medical assistance or prescription drugs. Why wouldn’t I trust me to take care of me even when largely unbriefed and unprepared on what to do. I fully trust me with me. Like I said, damage and losses may occur along the way but I trust myself to figure things out. Thanking my younger self and the universe for putting me through all these tests so that I could get a real sense of what I was made of. Until recently, I had no clue I had this much fire in me. Getting to know me has been a marvelous journey. As I grow I continue to surprise. Perhaps it isn’t so much getting to know myself as it is getting reintroduced to myself as each shift in consciousness is achieved, which happens at a drastically higher rate these days. I feel things clicking and being integrated weekly, new perspectives and patterns forming, news way of thinking and interfacing with the world around me. I’m quite literally not the same person I was last week, if not yesterday. On this crazy ride earthside, I am constantly reminded that I am divinely guided and protected. The answers are within. This dream was but a confirmation of a general sentiment towards a number of things I’ve had to confront lately. I was right to follow my intuition - I’ve done right by me and it has felt so liberating. I’ve rested a lot over the past week to recover from the aftermath of processing and releasing so much heaviness. I needed a lot of sleep. As always, my housemates blessed me with incredibly delicious and nutritious meals. Maya has been her whiny extra sweet self and Rio has finally given up on escaping the yard to explore the neighborhood at his leisure. Little dude doesn’t like his privileges revoked. He watched Maya going outside unsupervised for a couple of weeks while his time spent outdoors was regimented and he drew his own conclusion. I also sealed every hole pretty tightly and it seems to work well for now. Either way, Ri has been irreproachable. Maya was in heat recently and the two of them were wilding out. They are such a solid team. I don’t know what I’d do without these bugs. Watching them interact fills me up with so much joy. We have conversations and I swear they understand - it’s hilarious! My friend A has been wonderful to me. She texts me mantras and words of affirmations every morning. On top of checkin on me daily, she regularly invites me to hikes, yoga and tai chi classes. I’ve been very self focused lately, often denying or cancelling them last minutes so I could rest or tackle something on my to do list. I’ve had to apologize to her and renew my promise of being more present as a friend in A’s life but what I appreciate her so much for is her capacity for listening, empathizing and genuinely holding space. She understands. She’s been there. She gets it. We can have mature and honest conversations about any topic and there is never any friction or judgement involved in the equation. She gives me all the time I require, letting me know that she’s never too far away. That’s a love I treasure - I’m truly grateful to have met her. Another thing I’m excited to report is my first location rental booking! The day after I had this symbolic dream and then got news that my divorce was finalized, I confirmed my first location rental booking in my new spot! 5 hours at $300 / per hour; that’s not bad heh? Hello, second stream of income - what’s up? I’ve been waiting for you! More than ready to manifest… Gosh, I’m so happy for that hustle to finally kick in. In July, I had skipped a request to book and missed on a grand because I was too overwhelmed to deal with a medium size crew and was in the midst of swapping the living room set up. This time, I’m ready, and the project is super streamlined. It’s going to be an easy one. All I have to do is be my fine self and ensure that the crew has a fantastic experience. There are two to four more streams of income I’m looking to add to my portfolio by the end of the year and I’ve got a lot of work to do to make that happen but this one is a victory as it is practically passive. There’s really not much work involved and each project is different, bringing in an element of surprise and discovery. Perhaps one day I could teach people with limited resources how to generate income in LA. I was breaking down my furniture flipping business and location rental business with V this afternoon and he was super interested. I feel people out there could benefit from understanding how these niches work. Anyhow, if I could get just 4 bookings per months, which I believe is a reasonable target then I’d be straight. M landlord and I are in excellent terms. Her space is well cared for. There is mutual trust. I get to be in charge of my time and use it to serve me and my wellbeing. Growing grass in the front yard has been a struggle but we’re not ready to quit just yet. With patience, I think we’ll get there. V is as determined as I am about turning the soil green. Today we ordered a ton of Indian treats I’ve never tried before. They were all popular street food items that do not appear on the menu of your typical Indian restaurant. Fuckkk… I can’t recall any of the names but everything was so damn good! It rocked my world - no kidding. I ate so much that I went to sleep around 6 pm and knocked out all evening. I just woke to journal and take my dogs out to the bathroom. I’m about to light one up and have a snack before I go to sleep. It’s been a great week for furniture flipping and I have meeting for pick ups tomorrow that I need to be sharp for. It’s 1:30 am. My sleep schedule is all out of whack which makes me feel tired in the morning. I need to reset. Other than that, I feel lighter. I feel at peace and back in alignment with myself. I feel less preoccupied and stressed. I feel as though energy is flowing out of my body as it should, as opposed to feeling weighed down and stiff due to trapped stagnant energy - journaling, listening to music, dancing and meditating most certainly have a lot to do with that. I long to get back to painting in the coming week. I also want to crystallize another book or two within the next few days. I’ll try to hit the flea market in the morning if I wake up early enough and V is up for it. I’ve been seeing angel numbers incessantly over the past week. Especially since yesterday. I know what that signifies, at least for me. It has reinforced the feelings that I was on the right path, understanding the assignments given to me, giving myself the time to fulfill each of them, one after the other, without de-prioritizing my healing + rest. It’s been difficult finding and maintaining balance but I’m beginning to feel truly supported and I think I’ve found my flow. All in all, I’m just so thankful for the many blessings in my life. I’m so very proud of all I’ve accomplished this year. Master the art of compartmentalization has done wonder for me. I’ve been my own therapist. I’ve been my own mother and father. I’ve been my own best friend. I’ve been my own sister and brother. I’ve been my own teacher. I’ve been my own student. I’ve been my own lover. I’ve been my own cheerleader. I’ve been my own police. I’ve been my owm marching band. Things are looking up. Spirit and I are in the best of terms. No one can stand in the way of me and blessings other than myself, but we’re not doing that in these parts now - are we? Wow, I am officially divorced though… What a relief! It has been such a long and mournful way home to myself but I can cut the cord - at last. As painful as it got, I wouldn’t change any of it for it also brought about the most exquisite and bewitching transformation I’ve ever consciously witnessed myself go through. I am madly in love with life right now. Although I committed to documenting every aspect of my life post-separation from narc, there are things I’ll keep to myself. I don’t intend to elaborate on the other projects I’m working on. Call it superstitious if you choose to interpret it that way but I’d rather be protective and let time do the explaining as these things are near and dear to my heart. A is coming over for dinner tomorrow and will most likely bring Z over; should be fun! My parents are doing great. They just remodeled the outdoor kitchen in our family home. Life is beautiful. I spoke to them earlier today on a video call. I was picking my afro while talking to them and my dad remarked that I reminded him of Angela Davis in that moment. I laughed with great pride. What a lovely comparison! Last but not least, the killers of Breonna Taylor have been charged and that is worthy of a celebration. Sooner or later, balanced is restored. I am what I am and it is what it is. I steadily make the best of what I have and I’m only getting started. Wait, did I mention that I finally went paperless with my billing statements? You know how sometimes you share territory with bloodthirsty predators so you give away some meat to keep them satiated and content over their find? I left my narc bones to chew on for the past six months, giving him ample time to notify me that he was still receiving my bank statements. As expected, he didn’t. I knew that he was most certainly violating my privacy but allowed it to continue. For one, I often deal in cash which immediately goes out to clear debts. Secondly, I frankly wasn’t making a killing in sales - it was a dry and challenging period. It’s not until late July that things really picked up again for me. It is also when I decided it was time to cut off my narc from one of the last sources of supply. No more juicy insights on my finances simply to get his brain to continuously create stories around my movements and remain busy enough working these stories out in his head than coming up with new treacherous ways to disrupt my life ahead of the delivery of our divorce papers. My public instagram profile and blog are the only points of access I’m leaving behind. No communication will be attempted on my part. The phone numbers on Maya and Rio’s collars have been changed. I can finally go no contact and focus on what’s on the horizon. Man, I think a mushroom trip is in order. Right? Right… Yep, the answer is “absolutely”. Well, a lot of things are in order - I feel. I’m itching to get my leg inked and my septum pierced. I’m itching to invest in at home fitness equipment. I’m itching for a weeklong road trip in nature. I’m itching for a day spent at the beach or by a lake, with the pups and a tasty bottle of wine. One thing at a time. Clearing my debt is top priority. I want to paint more. I want to write more. I want to cook and bake more. To do all the things I want to do I need more time. This is precisely why I’m doing what I’m doing right now. So that I can reclaim my time. So that I can ave more time to travel, paint, write, cook and bake. That is the vision I am manifesting. Establishing the proper foundation is requiring a lot of sacrifices but my only desire is to surrender to divine will for these sacrifices are all for my highest good. I mean, no one has told me that but I’ll gladly tell myself… I’m so fucking proud of how far I’ve come. Humbly so… What a year. I came, saw, conquered and amassed precious knowledge about how to heal from trauma and show up as my most authentic self, while deepening the love I have for Self and all things present in my reality. I’ve got a beautiful mind. I’ve got a resilient body. I’ve got an open heart. I’ve got gorgeous hair, skin and nails. I’ve got fantastic dogs. I’ve got loving parents. I’ve got wonderful friends. I’ve got generous housemates. I’ve got a peaceful home. I’ve got a dependable business partner. I’ve got a skilled lawyer. I’ve got the support of my angels, ascended masters and beloved ancestors. I’ve got the gift of clarity and serenity. I’ve got everything I need to thrive. Outside validation is nice but not necessary. Z did shower me with love in a rather unexpected speech that warmed my heart. It made me feel so appreciated. Damn near made me cry. Happy tears though. Happy tears! These things matter. Tenderness and vulnerability in communication make a world of a difference. It was one of the rare times that I experienced what it must be like to have a friend like me in my corner. His words felt like a glass of fresh spring water. I didn’t know that I needed them until I heard them being said to me. I had to take a deep breath to allow them to pas through me and empower me. That is why I now find it so easy to speak from the heart and let people know how I feel about them, how they’ve inspired me and how much I care / root for them despite how uncomfortable they may feel about such exalted display of affection. I may not always be accessible, but I remain connected and my intention are pure. It meeting you as changed my life in a distinguishable fashion, it doesn’t matter if I met you yesterday, I’m going to tell you so and make sure that you know how much I value you.
PS: I just looked at the clock and it’s 3:33 am - a great place to say goodbye. As you know, there’s plenty more where that came from. 4:17 am now - Oops!
#DivinelyGuided #DivinelyProtected #NewBeginnings #AscensionPath #TakingFlight #NPDAwareness #MultipleStreamsOfPeace #ThankYouMorePlease #WhenDivorceIsSweeterThanMarriage #ShareYourTools #LifeAfterNarc #NarcAbuseSurvivor #DayByDay #GratitudeForAllThatIs #FallBackUp #SelfInquiry #SelfKnowledge #SelfAcceptance #SelfHealing #SelfCare #SelfSoothing #SelfLove #SelfTrust #SelfEngineering #RejectionIsCosmicRedirection #PatienceIsKey #TrustTheProcess #LeadWithHeart #TransmuteMistakesIntoEternalWisdom #SeekAndFind
It has been a week long meditation on mortality, sovereignty, service and the permanently great significance of each of these notions. What is freedom to me? Do I feel free? If I were to take my last breath on this day, would I be at peace with my final words, moments, decisions? Could I say to myself that I stood in my power and made it count? What purpose would I be attaching to my existence if tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed? Am I doing enough? Am I doing okay? How is my heart? How clear is the path that I’m on? Where is it going? Do I have the altitude, latitude and longitude that I require to further expand? If not, can I actually make space for my becoming? Will I? How far along am I in my healing journey? How much weight am I still carrying on my shoulders? Is it pulling me down? Is it keeping me stuck? Is it even mine? Do I find it hard to put the weight down? Can I revisit the past without being triggered? Am I a prisoner of my story? Can I freely talk about it? Is there pervasive anger or sadness inhabiting me? Are recurring thoughts disrupting my flow? Am I free flowing? Is there residual fear surrounding these thoughts? What are these thoughts revealing to me? Are they grounded in reality? Am I still still operating from a fear based conditioning paradigm? Am I standing my ground? Am I moving with purpose? Am I “too” identified with my trauma? Am I struggling to let go of it? If so, why is that? Could I let go? Is it that simple? Am I safe? Am I supported? Am I going in circles? What needs of mine aren’t being met? How do I address them? Is my integrity being preserved? Is my story being told? What is it about and who is telling it? It’s a carousel and it won’t stop… So many questions have been running through my mind, leaving me with no choice but to soak them up and answer them the best I can.
I’ve said this before and I still hold the belief that my involvement with a malignant narcissist was both the darkest curse and the greatest illumination ever bestowed upon me. My marriage inflicted monumental sorrow and pain but the depth of knowledge I’ve gained about myself and others is just as great… That, I believe, is a wonderful blessing. I’ll have plenty of opportunity to elaborate on that in the future. For now, I’d rather focus on the above questions and dive deeper into my feelings about them. It’s been roughly seven months since I walked away and never looked back. I thought breaking the spell I had been under was in and of itself the light at the end of the tunnel but I was clearly wrong about that; I had no idea what was ahead of me. Navigating the aftermath of years spent in survival mode has been a maddening rollercoaster ride. With no option to hop off, and nowhere to go but within, I sure did lose my mind a few times on the way home to myself. Tremendous amounts of energy were exhausted in rationalizing senseless pernicious abuse on my quest for a miracle cure that would solve my marital issues, only to realize in the end that all my efforts had been in vain. Such outcome was neither realistic nor achievable given the circumstances I was in. As it pertains to cluster B personality disorders, things do not get better. I repeat: things do no AND CAN NOT get better. It is complex matter, but it also that simple. I’ve found that only other NPD abuse survivors can effectively relate and empathize with the degree of confusion, chaos and destruction experienced within the context of intimate relationships with disordered predatory individuals. Unless it has happened to you, it’s virtually impossible to fathom just how murky, corrupt and damaging a union of this kind can morph into. It can not get better but, with time, it’ll surely get worse. There is no getting out of it unscathed. Fatalities are not uncommon endings in cases that have gone too far. Towards the end of my marriage, and throughout the discard + smear campaign phase, I set out to decipher exactly what had happened and how. I reviewed thousands of pages of material on behavioral psychology and personality disorders. I watched all of the experts videos and podcasts I could find. I absorbed all that was shared on public forums by therapists, clinicians, counselors, attorneys and survivors. I went through all of the comments and testimonials I came across. If only I had known… Same profile. Same aberrations. Same triangulations. Same punishments. Same compulsive behaviors and manipulation tactics. Same patterns. Same cycle. Once you’ve mapped out the psychodynamics of a narcissist, you can reasonably expect the same kinds of abnormalities, discrepancies and acute dysfunctions from any other narcissist - their modus operandi is astonishingly repetitive. It is also bone chilling.
I married a sociopathic criminal with multiple identities and an unregistered weapon. He knows where I reside and has kept tabs on me ever since we called it quits but here I am, about to shed this weight anyway. I do not care anymore. I can’t afford to. I feel I’ve been tethered in between worlds for way too long, trying to detach from my old self and lean into the being, the woman, that I am blossoming into. Although I’ve dedicated myself to turning the page I feel as though invisible energetic cords are still binding me to my past. Every move I’ve made since leaving my abuser’s grip has been watched from afar. He’s had
access to my phone and bank records. Multiple fake profiles have been created to track my location and monitor my posts on social media. Imposters were tasked to make contact with me, passing as potential tenants for the spare bedrooms I have in my current unit. Upon relocating to the other side of town, I had posted ads on several web platforms that were fairly easy for my abuser to find. A con man was sent to my open house to tour my unit and record every inch of it. Intimidating text messages were addressed to my mentor and current business partner from a burner phone. An individual posing as a police officer attempted to get in touch with me to collect further “information” on my “case”. Both my pets were chipped without my consent and false accusations were actively allowed to proliferate surrounding the cause of our split. It isn’t enough that I incurred permanent damage to my left hand, or that he fractured my tooth, as well as my jaw, to name only a few of the injuries I’ve sustained, my determination to move forward with my life is now perceived as a threat by my abuser who feels entitled to my peace, my wellbeing, my opportunities and my sense of agency. He cannot rest and I know it - I know why.
I’m still processing and healing from the repressed memories that have popped out of random closets, drawers, and pockets I didn’t even realize existed in my psyche. It’s been quite overwhelming. My mind seems to have found ways to cope but my body doesn’t know the difference between past and present. Every once in a while, these trapped emotions weigh me down to the point of inertia. I cannot move and lose momentum. I cannot operate as I normally would, due to sheer exhaustion. I could write chapters on top of chapters about what I’ve experienced at the hands of my abuser but I’m often too tired from rehashing events in my head. Making sense of what I’ve gone through and contemplating my own role in my enslavement has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. At times it takes me a day or two to physically and emotionally recover from a journal entry. Every singe day, I have to practice letting it go so I can redirect my attention towards the things that nourish me. How long is that going to take? I can’t say for sure. Nevertheless, I remain steadfast in my convictions. Healing hasn’t been easy. Speaking up hasn’t been easy. What I’ll say though is that I’m most concerned with something happening to me before I could get this off my chest. I have seriously considered the fact that my ex husband could very well plot to make an attempt on my life. Knowing what I know, it isn’t the least bit far-fetched. As disturbing as it may sound, it is rational thinking. It is very plausible in fact. It is a reality I have to live with. Nevertheless, there is no fear in me as it relates to my mortality. I’ve experienced deaths in many forms. My spiritual essence is everlasting and untouchable. I know who I am. From that perspective, I feel free.
At first I thought that I was scared of my abuser tasking someone to violently assault me when I least expect it; an unknown third party - someone who “owed” him a favor. I then realized that what I was most terrified of was a scenario in which I would conveniently pass away with the truth about our demise - perhaps resulting from a tragic “accident”, a staged overdose or an alleged suicide. Whatever it was, it wasn’t meant to leave any loose end. I know he has thought about devising a plan to silence me. I also know that he knows that I know, which is why he cannot rest. Things have been said and done that can not be forgotten or discounted. Things were undoubtedly set in motion to neutralize me. After going my own way, these things kept me up at night for a while. I didn’t have much time to plan my escape as it all came crashing down at a dizzying pace. I didn’t have savings or a strong support system. I was completely lost. I initially wanted to drift away quietly so that I could focus on rebuilding but my abuser wouldn’t let me do so - or let’s put it this way: his severe paranoia and need for control wouldn’t allow for that to happen. Muted interferences paired with sustained covert intimidation became my new normal. Always disturbing but often difficult to prove. Taking this to my grave and never getting the chance to tell my survival story has become my living nightmare. I feel I cannot let that happen, nor should I. I feel I need to speak it, or else I’ll die of the worst kind of death - spiritual death.
I never seem to know how much to say, when to say it or who to say it to. I strongly desire to fully unpack and discuss what has transpired over the course of my marriage, as well as what unfolded afterwards, but I tend to feel unsure of which aspects to bring up or conceal. What I usually end up with is this big dark secret that’s clouding my head space and doesn’t belong to me. I cannot fully exhale. I cannot truly move on. I cannot unplug myself from it. Without the ability to share my story - the full story - I cannot heal my core wounds or be. To a certain extent, I also feel powerless when it comes to helping other women make it to the other side. How can I fully show up to embrace the work I now feel called to do? How can I play my role if I have to hide my truth? How can I be an advocate for abuse victims who, just like me, are struggling to reclaim their lives. In keeping silent, I feel I cannot be of service to other women wading through similar trials and tribulations. Yet, who am I protecting? Not I. In keeping silent, I am once again betraying and abandoning myself. Fear isn’t my maker - I cannot be ruled by it. So who then, who am I protecting? I continuously think of my abuser’s mother whom I love dearly. Will she be able to cope with the truth about her son? Does she have any clue? Is she going to be alright? What about the others? Are excuses being consciously made for his behavior or has everyone in my abuser’s circle been hoodwinked? Is the script being flipped on his victims to cover up for the perpetrator? What about the next woman who enters his sphere? What then? I also used to wonder about his safety and livelihood. Not that he cares about mine but, all along, I’ve prayed for things not to get out of hands. Countless times, I questioned myself about the ripple effect of laying it all out. Would speaking up jeopardize his freedom? Would it compromise his ability to survive? Could I really blow the lid off knowing what he is involved with? Who else would be affected if his misdeeds were exposed? I used to bite my tongue. I would filter my words because I was preoccupied with who would be impacted by them. That, I can say, was not a fear based decision on my part - it is simply how I felt. Although publicly coming forward with the abuse appeared to be the best way for me to guarantee my safety, I didn’t want to go in depth. The outside world was only reckoning with a fraction of what was happening behind the scenes but I saw no way around that. So long as I got to cut ties with my abuser, I was willing to play the part of the deranged spouse. I accepted it as collateral damage. Still, none of it has induced rationality, fairness or decency. At this point, I no longer worry about how he’ll deal with being unmasked. I do not have any vested interest in protecting the person that he is, in any way, shape or form. What he does or doesn’t do is none of my concern. Either way, my integrity and boundaries won’t be trampled. If he wants to retaliate, he can. He can do whatever he wants - I’m okay with that. After all, he knows exactly where to find me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.
I do not wish harm on my abuser. His suffering wouldn’t offer me relief or satisfaction. If only he could heal, I’d hope that he would. It isn’t my place to judge how he gets by in life. However, as stated above, I can no longer afford to care about my abuser’s interests more than mine, nor can I place his wellbeing above my own. I’ve done that long enough and it has cost me plenty - I’m done paying the tax. My allegiance is to myself now and decisions will be made based on this premise. There’s always the option of picking up another trade, which he can figure out for himself. I have places to go, you see. I cannot carry this load. If we wants to stop me, he’d have to kill me. I have to move. It is time. His influence over me and what I can say or do has been terminated. I’ve accepted that my marriage was a sham in which I was perceived as an object. A temporarily useful object. Now that it’s all done, I can go on and be useful to myself and all those around me who value my presence. Coming to grip with the fact that our relationship was a deceitful orchestration with no viable future has set me free. I feel nothing for my abuser. No hatred. No anger. No contempt. He is a clinical case to me and that’s all there is to it. There is no confusion surrounding him specifically. Individuals with cluster B personality disorders do not function like the norm. That isn’t my fault. That is nobody else’s fault. I see him for what he is and that is all - I know all that I need to know. If you are going through the same ordeal I went through, please be aware that there is nothing you could have done to remedy the situation other than choosing yourself and setting firm boundaries. No cure exists for malignant narcissists. There is massive amounts of literature on the subject and I strongly advise you to do your own research. Empower yourself with knowledge so that you can be shielded from parasitic havoc. Focus on the parts of you that need healing. Redefine your sense of self. Reaffirm your values. Speak your truth if you need to. Learn to regulate your nervous system. Tend to your health. Ask for support. Trust your intuition. Last but not least, express gratitude for all that you are and for pushing through no matter what life throws at you. If you’re still involved with a narcissist, leave. I’m not here to tell you what to do with your life or your time but please do not waste it - choose yourself.
On that note, here comes my story. The letter below was written in response to a bogus restraining order and addressed to my attorneys upon petitioning for a marriage dissolution. It was meant for them to draw information from in case we were forced to litigate the matter in court. It took me over a week to flush all of that out and I was sick all the way through. Revisiting past events triggered violent physical reactions. My digestive system collapsed. Once more, I dropped a lot of weight. My immune system was impaired. I contracted Covid 19 for the second time during the holiday season and was symptomatic. I was so weakened by chronic stress that my body could hardly fight the infection. It took close to two weeks to fully recover from it. It was brutal - raw. Back then, I was in shambles. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t eating. I was knee deep in the insanity of my situation and had little time to recount the chain of events that had taken place. I was being plowed through by memories and felt I needed to establish a record with as much detail as possible while it was still fresh. It is likely to be convoluted and plagued with redundancy but it is what it is and that it is how it came out of me. I got through the second half of it without proofreading therefore you can expect lots of typos. Frankly, I haven’t really looked at this text since January and I probably won’t read it now. I have no interest in doing so. Emotions were running high, as I’m sure you’ll be able to sense, but no modifications have been made; it is just how my attorneys received it. The last time I opened up this document was on my mother’s birthday. I was deleting files from my cellphone, as I regularly do, and parts of me badly wanted to make these records go away. I couldn’t though. As much as I wanted to erase it from my cellphone and my laptop, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t digitally and emotionally let go of it. I knew I probably wouldn’t have the strength or desire to write this all over again. I had literally made myself sick in order to produce this report. It was days of non stop drafting, elaborating, editing, through sleepless nights, tears, nausea, stomach cramps and body aches. It was fucking intense… How could I delete it as if it hadn’t happened? Although I couldn’t bear reading them, I felt fused to these words. This letter is my testimony. What’s your story?
If you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse or recovering from it, I’d be glad to hear from you. Either way, take care of yourself - protect your energy. You are more powerful and resilient than you can imagine. I promise it gets better.