It’s only midday. I still got a lot do before I can consider my day won (or do I?) but I was listening to Jack Kornfield while eating lunch and something he said prompted me to return to my laptop so that I could share it with whoever reads this entry. He characterized our material world as having a culture of pain management and proceeded with quoting Adrienne Rich who once said: “The problem, unstated until now, is how to live in a damaged body in a world where pain is meant to be gagged, uncured, ungrieved over. The problem is to connect, without hysteria, the pain of anyone’s body with the pain of the world’s body.” This brilliant observation posits that human beings are conditioned to fear and run away from pain. They’ll do anything to avoid it including lying to and deluding themselves. They’ll seek distraction from it and resort to all sorts of tricks in order to numb, conceal, and negate it. I say “they” but I am guilty of it, just like anyone else. All the while, pain is overlooked as a mightily efficient and supreme teacher which more often than not hold they key to our liberation. I now embrace pain as an essential part of my earthly voyage. I show gratitude towards it for casting a light onto what needs repair in the form of understanding, compassion and love. The full discussion is a treat. Kornfield’s voice is incredibly calming. I could tune into his energy for hours. He makes for a wonderful guide. Have a listen:
Before I go, I also want to leave you with an excerpt from my friend’s column. I’ve talked about J a lot in recent posts. Some of her words are still ringing in my head and I feel it’s only right that I share them with those it may touch. I’m sure I there will be plenty more to share from our chats in the future but for now I’d like for you to have a glimpse into her spirit and catch her light. I won’t include a direct link because I wish to preserve her anonymity however I’ll keep the format as it is. Now, if you set out to investigate and want to search the web to track her down (lol) that’s on you - be my guest, I bet you’ll succeed. Her column is honestly awesome and awesomely honest. She references a lot of philosophers, development coaches, spiritual guides and sacred texts that I’ve come across and absorbed along my spiritual journey. Although it a public column, it gets very personal on occasion, which makes perfect sense to me for spirituality is a very personal affair. Ancestral knowledge and divine wisdom aren’t meant to be theorized about, they ought to be experienced in order to be integrated. One can be told a lesson, a truth, in 55 different ways, it won’t resonate until it one has gone through it and felt it. Anyhow, here is what my beautiful friend had to say:
Defining the Divine
When I was tasked with writing a column on spirituality, mysticism, and all things Divine and Cosmic, my mind reeled. I found a way to quiet that critical part of my ego that never fails to tell me what I can and can’t do, and methodologically set about on the task ahead. How would I explain to a sophisticated and rational mind that our relationship with the Cosmic and Divine are the most important things we can cultivate for ourselves, and for others? I wanted these answers to be without excessive explanations. I needed to show that it is of a visceral nature, pure, and wholly ethereal - like the way the sun and the moon hang across from one another every day and every night, in a perfect balance.
This type of introspective work isn’t for everyone, but on the other hand when I give someone this safe and accepting place to reveal their ‘self’, they usually respond by immediately dropping their guard and showing me their most vulnerable side, and actually they most desperately want and need to talk about the agony, and ecstasy, of living. Five years ago, with some encouragement and a lot of practice, I began to use my empathic abilities to heal the emotional pain of others. Now that I have hundreds of these sessions under my belt, I feel more confident talking about my relationship with the Cosmic and my ability to help others discover spiritual realms. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel doubt or conflict. I sometimes have to walk the line between delivering an objective message, and the desire to please others by telling them what they want to hear.
I’ve often heard that there are two kinds of work we are here to do during our short time on this Earth: work with our inner self, and our work with others, which represents our families, professional life, community, and the world at large. The thought of going deep into our psyche can trigger our fear of the emotional abyss, especially if we have buried past hurts. But by staying in shallow waters, we potentially lose out on conversations or experiences that could us help us delve far beneath the surface of just ordinary but into exactly the extraordinary, the mysterious, and the bliss, that is often described as Nirvana.
When we finally relent and dive deep the fear is exposed for what it truly is: a shadow that we ourselves have cast. How many times has it been said that if you are afraid of something, you must just dive into the fear with total abandon? I tested this idea in my real life by overcoming my lifelong fear of the sea by simply joining a scuba course and becoming a certified diver, And I’ve since been a lifelong ocean enthusiast ever since. We must somehow learn a strategy for approaching the proverbial deep waters of life if we’re going to survive. The panic and self-doubt will come back, and it will linger. It’s then I realized that it’s time to turn to levity, my best friend. The ability to make wise cracks at myself and the world at large has proved to be a solid coping mechanism for my survival, and usually the absurdity of life never fails to give me things worthy of my dark sense of humor. It’s not always appropriate, but I don’t always care, either. I will try to expertly write about things I am not an expert in, but if you are actually are looking for someone uh, bon- a-fide in such things, please look up Mr. Deepak Chopra. Unfortunately, our only connection is that we are both Indian and enjoy meditation.
If you are willing to humor a novice, a mere mortal however, then I’ll share my own trials and tribulations, and even allow myself to be vulnerable. If ‘to err, is human’, then to doubt thyself must also be human in equal parts. Perhaps the precursor to the error, but which is actually worse- the fear of or the actual happening? In my experience it has been the incessant worrying and the talking down to myself. I remind myself that while my contribution might not be ground breaking news, it is important to share stories and ideas because they had the potential to educate, to encourage, and to empower others. When I feel afraid to tell my story, I always remember something I once read about the bravery of what Anne Frank had done: what if that twelve year old had decided that keeping a diary was foolish? We will feel the magic of humanity through her words forever now.
I wanted to be dedicated student, and I wanted some answers, I set upon the task of becoming a scholar of Lao Tzu’s classic manual, a treatise on the art of living: The Dao de Jing, or translated simply, The Path, throughout this study, Divine Will is touched upon often. One of the universal truths of any spirituality is that we have the willpower to overcome our fears through Divine Will. Divine Will, also implies that destiny is actually only one simple part of it. Our character is the reflection of choices we make when we our spirits are truly tested. In Steinbeck’s East of Eden, the classic biblical tale of good and evil, Divine Will is described as Timshel, ‘Thou Mayest’. The story’s credibility lies on our ability to accept human’s potential for both, in admitting that indeed both of the two exist inside of us, but so does the Divine and we have a choice. This Divine Will, Timshel, is what makes us human and our faith in humanity helps us to choose to do the right thing. But still, I wanted to know what Timshel really meant.
I meditated by listening to a spoken English translation of The Dao de Jing, read by the Daoist scholar Stephen Mitchell. I listened and meditated, and then listened some more to the Dao de Jing until finally, many years began to pass and I could recite all eighty-one chapters by heart, and I felt it infused in my Soul. I had found something that could be my Teacher, my Master showing me the ‘way’. More importantly I had discovered something Sacred that I could hold in reverence.
The Dao De Jing is broken into two parts: one is for the pupil to listen and encompass, and the other half is meant as platform for moral debate and critical thinking. I broke apart sections of the Dao tried to understand what this scholar, this Chinese mystic from the 12th century BCE had to give to the world.
Lao Tzu wrote of the Great Masters who had achieved ‘wei wu wei’, or “doing, not doing”, a main tenet of Daoism. – it is said to be the strongest, the most powerful action we can take: to do nothing at all, and simply wait for the answer to manifest on its own.
But it was not enough. I was searching for something else – more than just a written manual. I needed to experience it. I wanted to actually come face to face with the Divine. This led me to move to a small community in the mountains and of Brazil to a small town called what else, - High Paradise. There was a community there that called themselves Sanyassins and they followed the teachings of the mystic guru, Osho.
I also began to understand more about plant medicines such as ayauhuasca and peyote and I learned that indigenous tribes throughout Brazil used these types of experiences in a spiritual setting to heal emotional sickness, and to connect with the Divine. The time I spent there taking these medicines became a formative part of my inner work, and how I am today. Living in this small town also instilled in me the importance having a supportive community that you could engage with. I was going through an ‘awakening’, and I needed to be around others who felt the same way I did.
I chose Divine Will as a potent and all encompassing theme of this first column because I come across this concept the most in my study and practice of all things mystical, including the Daodejing. In filmmaking, there is a concept of ‘suspension of disbelief’, which allows us to continue to produce and sit through films such as Mission Impossible: 4 and pretend that Tom Cruise really does have as much strength as ten men. So literally, Divine Will is this: we must let go of what we think is impossible.
But Divine Will is not all. The Hero’s Journey is one of struggle survival, and ultimately deliverance. At a crucial point we will be faced with difficult choices that test morality We must make our decisions with conviction, and with courage we must accept what is and isn’t in our control. In life, its mostly good to go with the flow, but when it comes to our convictions we must stand firm like a rock. Most of all, if we are willing to fight for our convictions, and our will is so great, so empowering - we can do the impossible: slay dragons and effortlessly move mountains, we can be even more powerful than fate itself.
There is no real definition of it I can provide to you, only ideas or concepts. However, I do believe that somewhere inside every reader there will be a moment of knowing exactly. If you are interested in learning more about inner voyages, then I invite you along as I continue to ask more questions and seek out answers.
One thing becoming “spiritual” has given me is a new compassion for others, a reminder to be kind, wherever and whenever the chance should appear. Rumi, the Mystic Sufi poet wrote: ‘..Be a light to others, be a ladder, walk out of your house as if you were a shepherd.’ This is new and important gift for me, and I know I must also pass this on. I have come to find that some part of my existence is now devoted to asking questions and finding answers, as a process, over and over. Okay, the idea of the shepherd watching over others is also a common theme in spirituality, but how does look in 2018? What did it mean to be alive now and compassionate? How does one navigate through this life with intention so as to leave a meaningful legacy, and not a scar? Let’s find out.
Yesterday was a bit off. I usually wake up between 5 ish and 8 ish. I get out of the bed right away for a bathroom trip, I drink water and walk around the house to check if anything need to be cleaned from the night before. The pups don’t usually need to go out until about 9 ish 10. Especially Maya, who enjoys slow mornings. Rio kind of just follow the lead, unless he really needs to go. If that’s the case, I can count on him to let me know. He’s very straightforward with his demands and knows how to get anyone’s attention. These dogs are too damn smart. Yesterday I woke up later than usual, around 9:30 am, but didn’t really want to get out of bed. I didn’t feel rested and wasn’t in the best of moods. I spent some time stewing and attempted to journal but, despite being harassed with thoughts, I couldn’t get them out. I encounter this paradox at times, when trying to engage in my regular practice. I’d have these thoughts in my head, I’d feel them stifling me, I’d have hours long conversations in my head working out what’s bothering me and why but comes the time to write them down, I’d feel too energetically drained from the mental acrobatic session I just had to actually journal about it. However, for as long as I keep it stored in my head, I find that these thoughts will continue to pop up on the main stage of my psyche, interfering with whatever task I have to handle in the moment, siphoning my energy away and quite literally harassing me. I journal to empty the mind. I can detangle everything in my head, which is what I’m automatically called to do. Still, if I don’t find a way to literally get these thoughts out, in my experience, they won’t go anywhere. They’ll sit in there and get amplified. The issue is that by the time I’m finished breaking down an emotion, problem, or pattern, I sometimes feel too tired to synthesize and release it. I’ve been wresting with a particular dilemma for about two weeks and it’s slowly coming to a head. I don’t have the energy to write about it but while I’m “holding on” to it, I find that it has become relentless. For a while now, it’s been one of the things I’ve been thinking about in the morning, throughout the day and again at night. It’s draining my life force and I want to flush it, but by the same token, I also have no desire to write about it because I’m fully aware that doing so will be exhausting… It’s been a strange dance of trying to ignore these thoughts and refocus my attention on what demands my immediate attention (AKA material responsibilities and daily tasks) but then again I know that isn’t a permanent fix. In delaying it, I’m only playing myself. It’s like having a monkey on my shoulder, continuously poking me, distracting me, and getting me off balance. It resulted in me being grumpy and impatient yesterday. I linked up with my business partner in the afternoon to go over our current inventory and get started on our renovation projects. I found that I was feeling triggered by innocents jokes and comments that would usually have no such impact on me whatsoever. Him & I have a really close bond. We call each other out without, gracefully take each other’s advice and roast each other constantly. His sharp wit and sarcasm usually amuse me. He’s mellow but has a great sense of humor. However, yesterday, I didn’t find any of it funny. I was irritable and realized I just wanted to go to my room and journal - or sleep. I’ve got so much on my mind and despite it all being connected I just don’t know where to start - it’s a lot. It can be overwhelming at times. On a brighter note, B brought home beef stroganoff, striped bass and ratatouille. Thank God for that!
Comfort food gets me right every time. My darling friend J who is a writer shared with me yesterday that she had maintained a monthly column for 4 years in which she was being publicly open about the rawness of her feelings. Until that moment, I hadn’t disclose to her that I had been doing this. It’s very possible that she might have checked out my website and found out what I’ve been up to - I don’t know. I didn’t ask because it was irrelevant to me. What mattered most is just how close to her I felt in that moment. It validated and strengthened my current endeavor in a way that made me feel seen and, more importantly, understood. She feels me. We feel each other. She told me that I had breathed life back into her the other day with my words, when she was feeling low. She sensed that I knew exactly where she was coming from. What she doesn’t - yet [I will be telling her this] is that I have been devouring her words since I found her column. So much of it resonates with me. I catch myself reading her and feeling like it could have been written by me. I thought to myself: “is this how it feels to befriend a mirrored soul?” Kindred spirits we are indeed, I don’t doubt it. I was surprised to find out that J is in her mid forties. Her youthful looks got me to assume she was a decade younger. She is a strong, beautiful and fascinating woman. One day, maybe, I’ll share more about her background and just how much her individual story has inspired me. I landed on a post this morning which stated that it is crucial to share our struggles because we heal through connectedness. Talking helps us to process the events in our life and, in doing so, stigmas and spells are broken leaving more room for compassion and acceptance. To share our struggles, not from a place of self pity but rather authenticity, is an act of love. We are empowered through connectedness and as our journeys may become a survival guide for other sentient beings. In sharing our struggles with those around us, we tend to attract the support that we need to press forward - without trying. Not only that, we send a signal to the people around you that makes them feel safe to come as they are. Being radically honest send an invitation to the people we interact with to put their guards down, ditch the social masks and share freely. I used to bottle everything in. By everything, I mean EVERYTHING. My conditioning was so deeply ingrained in me, my goodness… I had zero clue how to name or express my innermost feelings. I wouldn’t allow myself to go there due to how terrifying it seemed. I had it all backward. In my mind, being vulnerable was the ultimate sign of weakness. No one could know what was going on inside. I suppose not even myself. I was always fine. Everything was always under control. I was always thriving. I was always happy. I was always in a great place. It caused me to live in great delusion, inauthenticity and agonizing pain for many years. Not sharing my struggles nearly killed me. Nowadays, I feel most aligned and empowered when being radically honest with those around. I don’t care if I’ve known you for an hour. If the circumstance call for something to be shared, I will do just that. If I feel it may help you, I will most definitely do just that. For example, not too long ago I had a girl’s night planned with a pal I hadn’t connected with in a while. We had been looking forward to that and had spent time looking up restaurant menus and cocktail bars in the west LA area, etc. My friend has two children therefor it’s not often she can squeeze time to go out for the night and catch up in person. I’ve also been looking forward to exploring the nightlife in this part of town as it is my new stomping ground. The day of our meet up, unexpected expenses came up on my end and I could no longer comfortably go out and enjoy a nice dinner and drinks as planned. By fear of disappointing my friend and being seen in a different light, my younger people-pleasing and highly insecure self would have scraped every last dollar to be able to keep my commitment even though I couldn’t afford to - resulting in me being spread thin, anxious and stressed out after the fact. I don’t pretend anymore. I can’t. My soul won’t let me create unnecessary problems for myself just so I can accommodate others or preserve a false image. I was very honest with her and said: “Listen, I really wanted to check out this place and was very excited for our night out but I just came back from a trip to Costco and spent more than I had anticipated. After paying rent and bills this month (It was the 1st or 2nd - can’t remember) I just don’t think it’s wise for me to go out tonight after all.” I also volunteer to tell her this, so she’d have more context: “Since my divorce, it’s taken times to recalibrate and it’s been challenging financially. I still have debts to clear and must be very careful about my spending. Would you be down to meet earlier for happy hour instead. Otherwise, perhaps we can meet a bit later for a drink. I just can’t do dinner because if i do, I want to be able to enjoy it. No point in going out so I can nickel and dime my way out of the restaurant.” Sadly she couldn’t meet earlier because she was all the way in Long Beach. She couldn’t meet late either because she had a busy one the next day. We decided to reschedule and that’s exactly what needed to happen. I didn’t try to force anything. I simply accepted my circumstances and it felt really being honest about it. Besides, I had a refrigerator and freezer packed with food so I couldn’t justify it to myself to go spend more money elsewhere. Just a few days ago, a reiki healer and fellow young black woman reached out to me on instagram. R does energy work and is involved with some really awesome initiatives that peeked my interest right away. Her business partner is set to host a local festival at the end of the summer and she is in charge of the lineup of healing activities. She thought I could be a good fit for it in case I may be interested. I sure was but I did take some time to reply. I was caught up in furniture pick ups and needed more time to think about what I had to offer to something like this. I eventually replied and was very honest with her. I thanked her for the opportunity but told her I was in the midst of a particularly hectic week, trying to make ends meet and feeling a bit stressed out when I received her message. July had been my most challenging month since my divorce, from a financial standpoint, and so I had been mostly preoccupied with that. I also shared that I was feeling a bit of nervousness associated with stepping into that role and putting myself out there like that. Although my heart was in it and the Universe was clearly responding to my heart’s desire by putting her and other healers like Z, J and A on my path, I just didn’t know that I was ready or able to contribute in a significant way. She kindly received everything I had to say, offered me a free reiki session to help balance my chakras and suggested that we meet up soon for tea to chat about ways we could be of assistance to each other. I think that’s fucking beautiful… I’ve never even heard that woman’s voice. Lately, I’ve kept on noting that people who weren’t in the picture just a minute ago have stepped in and offered more to me than people in my bloodline. They’ve added value to my life simply with their presence. To give someone your energy, time, attention and care is the greatest of all gift. When I told J that I had been stressed out, she readily offered to pencil me in for an oracle reading. Find your community - I can’t stress that enough. How do you magnetize yourself to effortlessly attract your tribe? You do that by speaking your truth and showing up as your most authentic self, day in and day out. The people who are meant to join in on your journey, support your wellbeing and help you manifest your dreams as opposed to delaying them will present themselves - it’s law. If the people around can’t see you, soon you’ll forget who you are and that right there is worse than physical death. It’s spiritual death. It’s tragedy. As I’m wrapping up this entry, I notice that I have received a text from A who shared a motivational quote by Daisaku Ikeda, J shared a soundsystem remix of Soul Rebel by Bob Marley to wish me a beautiful day and my friend S who just got back in town invited me to a pop up yoga event on the beach tonight - how lovely is that? To think that just two years ago my mind would tell me that if I died, no one other than my mother and father would truly care - that if i disappeared, no one would notice. Never trust the voice in your head when you are in turmoil. I can’t recall who said this but it just came to me so I’ll share it: “When you are going through Hell, keep going.” It gets better. Everything is temporary. Everything can be changed. My life is simpler and yet richer these days. My life is more beautiful than ever thanks to these precious soul who value me as much as I value them and give of themselves with pure intentions. My life is enthralling and wildly magical thanks to the deeply intimate relationship I so happily cultivate with myself and the Spirit that resides within. It’s been realer than real. It’s been better than good. On that note, I’m going to have a fantastic day. I hope you do too. When things get rough remember to count your blessings. Heck, write them down. Today. Tomorrow. The day after. Make a habit of it. More blessings will come you way - I promise you. God is on your side. Divine powers are protecting you. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
Just FYI: I began writing this on Friday night and it is now Monday afternoon. I’ve kept on adding to it, orbiting my laptop to keep track of anything that seemed worthy of being jotted down. Per usual, beginnings and endings are somewhat blurred so please just flow with it. Or don’t! No pressure - the choice is yours. [Friday] 11:55 pm. I’ve had one hell of a night and felt the need to pause and attempt to memorialize it. By hell, I meant heavenly. This is for my own delight. This is reserved for those difficult times when I may need a potent reminder of my innate capacity to experience pure joy. This is a save-for-later kind of entry as I’m certain I’ll be glad to revisit this one day. The truth is, gleeful or burdened, I’m usually very pleased with opportunities to meet my old self again. I took three puffs of a joint tonight. I got blown and jammed in my room until my phone battery died, wearing nothing but my headphones and my natural hair. Yeah, you heard that right… I broke my weed fast again. Not mad at it though; it’s just what I needed. To be frank, I smoked and I’m glad I smoked. I had been craving marijuana for the past week and today I decided to reward myself with a joint if and only if my sales went through as planned and I was able to hit my $$$ target. I not only did, I scored bonuses, so I felt I had “earned” it. It be like that sometimes, you know… When I feel particularly tense, uninspired or energetically depleted, I consciously choose to give in if I feel it will help. I grant myself permission to reassess my own boundaries or guidelines sometimes, so long as I feel it is called for with regards to my current circumstances. It is not a way for me to circumvent them. That’s where honesty and integrity come into play. I most sincerely try to go for what best serves my soul in any given moment - or season - with the deep awareness that I will suffer the consequences of doing otherwise. As a result of it, I tend to flow intuitively with my consumption of just about anything. Whether it be food, information, artistic or entertaining content, nothing is ever locked on a rigid or indispensable platform. At times, I need more of something. Other times, I need much less of it - if any at all. In consistently making a practice of mastering detachment I stand ready to cut anything out, if I must. The same goes for the medicinal. What got me to take a huge step back and detox from weed was the realization that I was clearly abusing it. I was spending more than I should in procuring it and was no longer aligning with the habit itself. It had became a mechanical act and a cause for unbalance; too much daydreaming and envisioning, not enough practicality in doing. Besides, I no longer enjoyed it as much as I used to. As stated above, I was just going through the motion to numb myself from pain which, at various levels, was becoming disruptive of my other pursuits. At that pace, it wasn’t serving my highest purpose or supporting my goals. Weed had became an escape from reality and I had to call myself out on it. It took a little while but I eventually landed. That being said, I’m not keen on immutable restrictions - flexibility is key for me. Being an air sign - a proper gemini at it - I don’t easily yield to conventions and generally keep away from absolute, unless of course we’re discussing pretty gnarly stuff I have zero interest in getting familiar with. In life and in love, which to me are one and the same, I now feel my way through everything and simply try my best to respond / adjust in real time. What feels nice is that smoking has evolved into a ceremonial thing for me these days. I indulge every now and then which helps me to exercise self control and maximize my enjoyment. I smoke when I want to channel ideas and answers. I smoke when I want to eat and sleep well. I smoke when I want to stretch my mind and body. So yeah… After the hard ass week I’ve had, a joint sounded real nice! It’s been quite stressful juggling time spent with myself and my wellness practices, time spent connecting with my dogs, time spent communicating with customers and friends, time spent making art, time spent cleaning up and organizing my space, as well as time spent generating money and handling financial responsibilities. I collected a few bruises from moving around furnitures, picking up items and making deliveries, but that’s nothing new. My legs and fingers are often getting banged up - it comes with the territory. Each trade has its own perils. A few things didn’t go so well this week but still couldn’t compete with what I was able to score on. After a rather dry Spring, it is a relief to be greeted with a Summer of relative abundance. Missing out on a handful of spectacular items is not the end of the world; you can’t win them all. Plus, there will always be some other gems. Hyper-critical-of-self little young me would have wasted too much time on what didn’t pan out but lately it’s been alright. I’m coming across sweet deals on a daily basis when I could hardly source three leads in a week. Market improvements is what I choose to focus on. The reverberations of the pandemic were seriously impacting my niche however business is once again starting to peak which gives me more time to pivot. If only I didn’t have debts I think I’d be straight but I can only worry about what I can control. I paid rent a couple of days late this month but my landlady showed patience and grace. Incoming payments were being delayed and I was terrified of receiving a text from her asking: “What do you think you are doing sending the last portion of rent after the 3rd Miss Sy?” Somehow I encountered no fuss at all. Perhaps because the balance owed was a tiny fraction of the rent? I can’t say for sure, but she kindly gave me that extra time. I even ran into her yesterday [Friday] and she was all smiles - she made no mention of that. Yet another test of faith from the Universe but it looks like I’ve gotten better at gliding under pressure. I kept it together and did everything I could to tip the scale in my favor. I stayed focused and alert. I surrendered to the divine and patiently waited for things to fall into place. Before yesterday, I felt I was coming out of alignment. Today, I feel that I am just where I need to be. Sometimes I’m up. Sometimes I’m down. In all of this though, I am constantly reminded that I am always taken care of and provided for. I was quite anxious this past week. My back has been hurting. My jaw has been hurting. My neck has been hurting. My sleep schedule got hi-jacked and I had another eczema flare up. Oh but wait until I tell you what has happened to my hair… I uninstalled my lace front and lost about two inches of edges + baby hair - all gone. My entire hairline had progressively been ripped out and I fount it glued to the lace upon taking it off. Ain’t that wild? I was in complete shock yesterday. I mean, it’s a rather large surface. I wasn’t at all prepared for that. In hindsight, I also can’t believe how irresponsible it was of me to keep that thing on for two and a half months. I kept complaining about it too! I’ve never been a fan of wigs and was really bothered by mine. I could hardly access my scalp which led to significant discomfort. Honestly, what was I expecting with that much tension on my scalp, for that long? It’s a big no-no… What happened is that my finances were really tight so I delayed my visit to the hairstylist for a proper reinstall. Instead, I used Got2B glue to reaffix the wig and hold it in place when it would come undone. I didn’t have to do my hair and that was good enough for me. I see now that I created my own problem. Silly of me - I have no one to blame but myself. I told only my business partner G who was mortified at the sight of it. My bud Z came over for dinner yesterday. [Thursday] I had not seen him since prior to his 50 days spiritual retreat. I had just taken down my wig a couple of hours before he stopped by and was still mentally processing the extent of the damage I now have to reverse. I didn’t mention it to him but we spent the night chatting and I think he eventually noticed. He gave me a look of absolute confusion but didn’t dare ask what had happened to my crown. I didn’t feel like getting into it at the time so I ignored the look on his face and kept on talking. He must have assumed that I have alopecia. Oh well… The things we do in the name of beauty. Z left pretty late. He’s been keeping his inner child alive, dabbling in acrylic paint and learning how to play the saxophone. I love that for him. I walked him out, pulled a taper candle from the media unit and grabbed a brass candle holder to set it in. Per J’s recommendations, I brought it back to my room and lit it on fire before reviewing all of the things I felt grateful for. I also lit an incense stick, placed it next to me and chanted my mantra for a bit as my friend A tasked me to do. I then reached for my headphones and played some music. I looped the same tune, jumped off my bed and started dancing as if I’d never be able to dance again. It was trance-like and went on and on until my phone died. By then, I was totally spent. So much pent up energy was released through the night. I slept really late but slept like a newborn. [Saturday] I woke up feeling tired but wonderful. I mourned my hairline for two nights but then something happened… By Friday, I had already accepted that it had receded greatly but, after coming out of the shower the next morning and stretching my hair out all throughout the day, I caught my reflection in the mirror and reached the conclusion that I didn’t mind the prominent forehead look on me. Having had both sides of my head shaved for quite some time before I eventually snipped it all off, I’ve gotten used to seeing my head without much hair on it. I now feel that I can confidently pull off a number of vastly different hairstyles so I’m honestly not that bothered by it anymore. It will grow back full length and will take however long it needs to do so - that’s okay. I even thought of shaving it a little more to create a geometric pattern or some other well defined shape around the perimeter were my hairline used to be. I’m probably describing this in an odd way but I think it’d look pretty neat if I were to actually do it; I may just have to try! In case I was ever unsure about it or ended up hating the result of such an out-of-the-box experiment, I could rest easy knowing that my head is currently framed in a way that conceals the damage pretty well. My afro is long enough to cover up both sides therefore it’s not such a big deal after all. Even if that too fails, I’ll manage. I suppose I shouldn’t have taken my hair journey for granted. Especially after shaving my head with the intent to restore its integrity and protect it from unnecessary harm. It’s a costly realization, but a great realization nonetheless. One that will drive me to learn more about specific growth oils and their unique properties as well as hairline restoration techniques and how to be more consistent with my hair care regimen for steady results. I will have no choice but to massage my scalp, condition, moisturize and care for my hair in the way that it deserves to be cared for. I had not been giving my crown proper attention and, if I’m real with myself, I had wrongly prioritized my hair appointment to cutdown time spent on daily hair maintenance. What I should have done is redirect that cash towards something else and allocate time for hair rituals. Instead of perceiving it as a chore, I should have approached it as a privilege. I have a beautiful, strong and overall healthy crown. It is up to me to nourish it and honor it in the same manner I care for my mind. I didn’t want to but I can make time. This is the price I pay for distancing myself from my hair for the sake of instant gratification - it legitimately feels like I cheated on my hair for mindless and short lived pleasures. Although my wig was nice, after just a few days rocking it I realized it was an unnecessary expense I wasn’t all that thrilled with. I’m not coming for anyone who may want that for themselves. Do you darling. As far as I’m concerned, it’s now clear to me that it was a want and not a need - I didn’t need that at all. Right now, at this stage of my journey, I’m vowing to address only what is needed. The wig was superfluous and I learned it the hard way. Where am I going with this again? Oh yeah… All this to say that smoking weed tonight checked the above criteria; it wasn’t a want but a need. In fact, I got not one but five pre-rolled joints. A couple of them will go to V who has been so awesome to me lately, continuously offering me food, keeping an eye on the pups when I’m out running errands and kindly asking if anything is needed whenever he hits the store. Let’s see how long these pre-rolled goodies lasts. I’m not sweating the hair “tragedy” - shit happens, Hopefully the follicles aren’t compromised and the patches get filled in with new growth over the next two to three months which in turn will give me the chance to deepen my relationship with my hair while forging a more effective hair care routine. These days, I don’t drive myself nuts over the sky falling down or things happening in unexpected ways. Payments are delayed? Okay. How can I fix it?I do what I can and wait. If it goes “wrong” I find ways to make it “right”. No one can rewind the clock - I’ve got to keep it pushing. My focus is locked on whatever piece of information / lesson I can takeaway from each and every experience. In this case, with this wig install, it was a mistake on my end. However, I now get to invest great efforts in growing my entire hairline back which I’m certain I’ll treat with the utmost care moving forward. I’ve tended a garden before - I know I have the patience to grow things from seeds in semi hostile environments. This is just another version of that “struggle” which has taught me so much about life - I love that I can see it that way. Overall, despite what transpired yesterday, I’m genuinely in love with my hair right now. It’s soft, bouncy, versatile and holds its shape well. It has grown a whole lot since I saw it last. The more time I spend pulling the strands apart with my hands and stretching them out, the bigger my crown gets. I’ve got a fluffy cloud floating on top of my head which can be shrunk all the way down to flat - how cool is that? It’s a lot puffier today than it was yesterday. It’s groovy. It’s thick. It’s extendable. My hair density and texture are quite nice. I adore the look and feeling of it! I’m truly happy that I mustered the courage to shave it all off and start from scratch. Anyhow, today will be just as lovely. V is hosting a get together with friends and will be throwing down in the kitchen. You bet I’m excited! I cannot wait for homemade sambar. I freaking love sambar - oh my goodness. It’s everything about it: aromas, flavors, colors. It’s also the density and texture - if you know, you know. In case you’ve never tasted it, believe me you need to change that because YOUAREMISSINGOUT. Today I think I’m just going to journal, show my skin some love, catch up on sleep and eat in between naps. How could I complain. I am blessed beyond measure. I may be having a hard time readjusting financially but I’m free to do me. I’m loving what I do and how I do it. It’s been good speaking my truth, integrating new things and loving me. Everyday, I get to heal into a more radiant, self assured and colorful version of myself. I mentioned above that I felt I was coming out of alignment. I have grown so deeply sensitive of my state of mind, environment, performance level, and overall well being that I feel it at my core when I start to l slip up. I strongly feel it when I’m off, burnt out, distracted, or clouded and can easily identify my role in my mistuning, even if it doesn’t show on the outside. I call myself out and go within to seek answers on what may require recalibration - usually, these answers come to me as I choose to trust my instinct. Despair no longer has a hold on me. Depression is no longer my frenemy - she’s been long gone. I’m connected to source, how could I ever loose faith? I recently noticed that I was excessively scrolling while less time was spent on laser focus learning of specific skills. I was neglecting my wellness practices. Pain bodies had reemerged and I was achy in random places. A skin rash popped up on my left arm. I was not hydrated enough and had irregular bowel movements. All the while, I was feeling content and grateful for what I had but couldn’t help but simultaneously feel anxious and fearful of not having it for long. The notion of scarcity was slowly creeping in, reinforcing my apprehensions about getting through life just fine. I have to say, hustling is not my preferred mode of existence. Some get addicted to it but that’s not me. In synching up with the natural rhythm of life is where I find my happy place which is why reclaiming my time is so very important to me. I need loads of downtime to explore my inner world. I need time to learn and unlearn. I need time to be just be, without external disturbances. I enjoy aloneness. I enjoy a slow life. I enjoy time spent in nature. I don’t like being rushed. I don’t like slaving and wearing myself out. I only want to work hard at doing things I love as they do not feel like work to me. The rest can wait. Maths, finances, self promotion, and the pressure to be increasingly productive are stressors. I don’t want to try hard. I want to live fully and freely. I want to retire early and spend the majority of my days outdoors. I want to continue pulling things out of my imagination and give them shape in multiple dimensions. Still, what is existence without responsibilities? Roughly 85 percent of what I generated this week immediately went out to clear my debts. That’s brutal but I understand that there is no way around it - I know I’ll feel great relief when the slate is wiped clean. It may take longer than anticipated for me to balance things out but I’ll make it work. I have to be careful on not using food to cope with stress though. I’ve also been sleeping either too early or too late and need to get back on a regular schedule. [Sunday]. It is now Sunday afternoon and the gathering has already happened. It went really smooth. I tried to stay in my cocooned but V wouldn’t let me be antisocial. He texted me, yelled my name and essentially gave me no way out; I had to show face. Of course I could have hold firm and stayed in my room but there really was no way to do so without seeming stubborn and standoffish. I ended up thanking him for getting me out of the cave though. It’s true, I was really tired from going on furniture pickup rounds practically every day last week. Friday had been a long one for me, I didn’t get to return the truck until 10 pm and I stayed up all night jamming, dancing and journaling. Came Saturday, I only wanted to lounge in my robe with a mask on, light up a joint, snack, and go back to sleep. V wouldn’t let me have my cake and eat it too. I was summoned to the dining table and asked to join. I did. It was a feast for all the senses. The other guests couldn’t make it but one of his co-workers showed up. She was gracious, laid back and a great conversationalist. She came bearing a peppery Cote du Rhone which paired well with our lunch spread. The wine delivered a strangely spicy after taste that I found quite interesting. We ended up chatting the whole time while V focused on hosting; she was excellent company. She had witnessed the entire process and couldn’t believe how spoiled I was to share space with such a talented cook. I told her that my housemate B was also a chef by trade so there was food galore in our house. I’d pinch myself everyday when opening the fridge. What a treat! For me it isn’t solely about the fact that it’s delicious food. First and foremost, it’s nutritious food. Both B and V consistently utilize the freshest ingredients - they don’t play around with their creations. V really outdid himself this time around and, yooo, it was fucking delicious! There was tooons of paratha. There was not only red wine and but also my favorite mango smoothie. He made a large batch of sambar with aloo gobi and saag paneer - knowing my obsession with paratha and sambar you know I was a happy girl. Moreover, this was arguably the best saag paneer V has has ever cooked and in my top three of the best ones I’ve ever tasted in life - I’m exaggerating one bit. It’s kind of ridiculous. I just had some for the fourth time! Interestingly enough, this one was brownish in color, as opposed to the usual range of bright to dark green, with a consistency that sort of mimicked a jerk marinade. An entirely different flavor profile, I know, but that’s just what it made me think of. My mother studied in London where she developed a kindred for Indian / Bangladeshi / Pakistani food. I was introduced to Indian cuisine at a very young age and have had countless Indian meals from a number of places, traditional or modern. I think Indian cuisine has remained one of my top choices over the years when it comes to ordering takeout - I can’t get enough of it. V cooks some of the best Indian meals I’ve ever been given the privilege to taste. I recently had a serious talk with him about entertaining the idea of a pop up restaurant and / or catering services. I mean, this food is a gift… It’s absolutely phenomenal. Sadly there aren’t many options in central LA for southern Indian food staples and I feel people need to experience it. I think it’s pretty wild that I had never tasted sambar or paratha before, which are now my favorite Indian meals. In my head, although one of them only cooks for fun and has just began learning, both my housemates are chefs in their own right. V is a natural and it’s easy to tell he has passion for the craft. He seeks out opportunity to cook for others and enjoy the planning of it as much as the executing stage. He lights up when talking about a dish, the various components required to make it and the preparation of it. I make sure to fan his flames when he steps into that world. There’s definitely something there and I hope he continues to explore it. During lunch I got to try the longest basmati rice I ever had. I don’t recall ever seeing grains that long. Apparently, it’s an occasional treat and it’s best not to over do it. It had a nice bite to it, I really enjoyed it! He cooks rice with green cardamom and coriander seeds. I love it when I accidentally bite into cardamom. My mother would sometimes have cardamom tea and it reminds me of what that tastes and smells like. Sometimes he adds peas and other vegetables to the mix, or a couple of red chili peppers when he feels bold. This delicious rice is not the only new thing I got a chance to try. His guest and I were both introduced to rasmalai, a classic and widely popular dessert originating from eastern India. It consists of juicy and sweet cottage cheese balls soaked in thickened sweetened milk and topped with pistachios. Lord have mercy… That thing was off the chart!!! It’s sort of an hybrid between cheesecake and bread pudding; it’s orgasmic. Seriously, rasmalai has made my life better! I pigged out. After eating all of that for lunch, I passed out on the living room sofa shortly after V’s coworker left, but then I woke up and had some more for dinner. I attempted to dance before bed but could hardly move from side to side. Hah! I was all the way backed up. This morning I woke up stuffed. My stomach was still trying to digest all that I had shoved down my pipes. My girl A got me to join another one of those Sunday morning buddhist zoom meetings. I was up early so I hopped on the call. These meetings are always great to attend; they set you up for a beautiful day. I caught up with A at the end via text and went for a walk around the neighborhood to help shake things down my digestive track. Man, I really overdid it with the food. I kept on being pulled towards the fridge despite being satiated and ate so much it hurt. It was damn good! Hah! Don’t blame me, blame the crack dealer. Food like this is criminal. I literally couldn’t stop munching so forget about self control - I’m weak in the knees for saag paneer, paratha, yellow moong daal, rasmalai, biriyani, naan, aloo gobi, gulab jamun, rajma masala and so on. Bring it on and I’m eating! The whole house has been smelling divine, making it even harder to resist the urge. Going for a walk was a nice idea. The sun was beaming and the lighting outside felt illuminated by the Heavens. The air was crisp and fresh. The temperature was perfect; sunny and warm but not too hot. I noticed that neighbors living in a small apartment complex nearby were using their balcony to grow food. They had the tiniest little bit of outdoor space and chose to make the most of it by setting up a vertical garden. From the sidewalk I could see luscious green tomatoes growing on a vine. They were dangling from the plant, not quite ripe. Next to the tomato plant was a zucchini plant growing upward. A massive zucchini was hanging from it, ready for harvest. It served as a lovely reminder that getting a garden going in an urban setting is easily achievable, even when space is limited. I’d really like to put on a farming hat sooner than later. I feel that everyone should learn to personally produce, care for and process at least a portion of one’s food supply. I dream of growing fruits, vegetables and aromatic herbs in my front yard, for use in the kitchen. Perhaps the neighbors who grow food could trade seeds and tips, giving the surplus of food to local shelters or sharing it with low income families. I’ve thought of running a community garden so I could share my bounty with folks in my area. I’d love to make that happen one day; the idea of living that way is always present in the back of my mind. Next to that building was a charming little house. The living room windows were wide opened and I could see a mirrored wall facing the street. Guitar was playing from its belly. As I got closer and peeked in, I saw a young father serenading his young child. The wholesomeness of that scene warmed my heart. My friend J sent a really touching text message as I was continuing on my walk. She was going through it but was able to show compassion towards me who had expressed that I had felt quite stressed. In that moment though, it seemed to me that she wasn’t extending that same compassion towards herself. Her and I are able to connect on a soul level. We were immediately on board when it comes to practicing vulnerability and radical honesty with one another; no fluff, no pretense, no filter of any kind. She had opened up to me about something which I felt showed up as a clear expression of an abandonment wound. To me it seemed patterns in her friendship dynamics had been triggering for her, revealing aspects of herself she wasn’t clearly seeing. She felt under appreciated but somehow blamed herself for not being good enough to be worthy of reciprocated efforts from certain people in her life. I had to remind her of the incredible friend she was to those around her, including me. The people who withdrew their energy from her were simply not receptive of her heart. What is given with pure intentions is never lost. The friends who wouldn’t respond or concern themselves with her simply didn’t belong in her sphere and it was nothing personal. Despite the shedding process being extremely painful and riddled with grief, it was necessary for J to energetically clear space for those who were meant to cross her path, partake in her journey and support her growth. There was no need to feed into situations and relationships which no longer resonated with who she was in the process becoming. What she interpreted as rejection was realignment. She was moving away from things, people and places which might have kept her stuck in some way, shape, or form - on a conscious or a subconscious level - and was simultaneously becoming a magnet for the things, people and places which made her feel heard, seen, and supported. Her and I have had similar things happen to / for us on and seem to have experienced similar sequence of emotions. I myself have pushed through that internal conflict a number of times and eventually worked out in my head that all is exactly as it needs to be, at all times, although things may not always make sense or feel good. J always finds ways to reach me when I’m running low and addresses me with just the right words. I try and do the same whenever she confides in me about what’s bothering her and on Saturday, when she was feeling inadequate, I was able to transmit my reckoning to her. We are patient with each other and seek to hold space for one another’s healing. We feel for and emotionally support one another even when our hands are full. I sent half a dozen voice notes to offer up my perspective and it switched things around for her. She felt better about being left out in the cold by a close friend and my day was brighter because of it. J is attentive, wise and genuinely caring. I strive to be a mirror for her as much as she does for me, especially at times when she can’t quite see herself. I know that feeling. I’ve been there. The both of us are convinced that we are kindred souls and I believe we’re right. The way that we connect is telepathic. We may not hear from each other in a while but will suddenly text each other at the same exact time, or one will reach out to the other on a particularly challenging day. Anyhow, I spent the afternoon picking up furniture with my business partner. It was a lot of driving around, loading and unloading, but today, by the grace of God we scored on an Artedi travertine table! I’ve been wanting one of these for a while now and finally got blessed with the opportunity to add one to my portfolio. The brass structure on which the glass top rests needs some love but I look forward to restoring and dusting off this beauty starting next Tuesday. A great find! I also landed on a really cool media unit that I intend to convert into some kind of functional record holder cabinet. That should be interesting. The piece already lends itself to it; the measurements are just perfect. Another piece that will require a makeover is this gorgeous mid century outdoor sectional with clean lines and impeccable design - the kind I’d be happy to hold onto. Its structure is in pristine condition, blending teak with metal. The fabric on the upholstered cushion has faded with age so that’s where we plan to intervene. I’m eager to see what this set will look like after we finish dying all of the blue cushion covers with charcoal using fabric paint. I have the feeling it will turn out amazing so I’ll make sure to document the process. The garage is packed with a handful or really cool pieces I’m pretty excited to work on and photograph. An alarm has just been installed so I feel safe storing some of my furniture stock in there. Thank you, more please! Pretty much everything I need to thrive is at my disposal and benevolent energies are surrounding me. On my way back to the house, after replying to J’s messages, I took the same street and walked by the same set of windows. Our guitar playing dad was holding a baby while the toddler I had seen before was jumping around him. The father and his children seemed like xerox copies of each other. All three had the same blonde curls. All three were absolutely gorgeous. I couldn’t spot their mother but for whatever reason I sensed that she was close. What a perfect Sunday morning for such a lovely family. I was smiling at them but they didn’t see me lurking. I snacked on some camembert upon returning home. It was quickly followed by more saag paneer complemented by some leftover vegetable biriyani from a couple of days ago and some chicken tikka skewers my other housemate brought home from work for me to try. Look, it’s fucking insane. I know I keep on bringing it up but if you were me you would too - believe me. How often does one get to share a living space with two chefs - are you kidding me? I swear I’m not bragging! I’m just blown away. If you knew just what food means to me, on a soul level, and how much I connect with the outside world through culinary experiences then you’d know that food is love to me. It is my preferred point of entry into other cultures and my greatest source of happiness. I feel like I’ve manifested this housemate situation and I also feel like I need to start documenting what passes through this kitchen because - listennn - right now there is veal parmesan, chicken parmesan, short ribs, mashed potatoes, root vegetables, roasted eggplant, vegan pasta salad, crab cakes, Mediterranean charbroiled skewers, couscous, curried chicken salad, gluten free egg salad, salmon salad, sambar, basmati rice, aloo gobi and rasmalai in the fridge. All is ready to eat, on top of fruits, veggies, eggs, milk, condiments and juices. Again, I’m not saying this to show off. It’s wild to me just how fortunate I am. I couldn’t have planned for this. It worked out because my housemates and I immediately clicked which translated in their immediate decision to move in coupled with my desire to share space with each one of them. I thought they were good people and knew that they both cooked but I never could have imagined that such great blessings will come out of this living arrangement. I’m financially tight but I have the most loving pups, I have a spacious and comfortable home as my refuge, I have the resources to create and I get to eat restaurant quality gourmet lean cuisine in addition to the finest vegetarian homemade Indian meals I could have dreamt of. Everyday I am greeted with mouth watering options when I open up the fridge - my housemate B keeps on surprising me with his menu and V is often introducing me to new things. All who have known me are aware of my obsession for food. I feel truly appreciated and cared for by my dear friends and thank the universe on a daily basis for sending these light beings into my life. For once, I don’t feel bad for finding myself on the receiving end of such kind and generous acts of service. I don’t put pressure on myself to “earn” it or “make up” for it. I simply receive it and express my gratitude for it. I know that it is the universe’s way to return to me some of the nurturing energy I’ve poured out into the world without seeing it reflected back to me. It’s as if the angels were like “Yo, we know just one way to drastically improve your quality of life; we’re going to get your food supply taken care of for a while and we’ll pair you up with the most pleasant and clean housemates you could have asked for. You won’t have to stress about your home environment, argue over details, worry about perishables or set time aside to prepare meals, unless you wish to. Not only will we comp your food, we’ll make the tastiest, healthiest and most varied selection of organic gourmet meals available to you at all times without you having to even think of it. All you have to do is be grateful. All you have to do is rest, detox, recenter yourself and heal. You’ve been through a lot - we got you. Just pivot and chill. Simplify your life and focus on your plan.” Okay. I understood the assignment! So yeah, you’ll be hearing a lot more about this. I think I have to honor my roommate’s gifts by keeping records of what they feed me. One day I’ll be stocked to tell my kids: “‘Member those times when your mama lived with two chefs and ate the most incredible stuff for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Food just kept on showing up like some sort of magic trick! I’d eat something and more would appear to take its place. I was broke too, can you imagine that son? I had very little to spare but lacked NOTHING. It was right after I got away from the cluster B narcissistic sociopath I had the great misfortune to marry and I was starting from scratch. Thank God, I had everything I needed. I’m eternally grateful for the opportunity to experience that for it was both the hardest and most beautiful time of my life.” That’s what I’ll say to my son or daughter one day. Our current dynamic doesn’t feel unbalanced for B takes home the surplus of food from work which would otherwise be discarded. V and I have established a culture of trading groceries, supplies, and medicinal so I don’t experience discomfort or guilt when it comes to eating what he offers. We look out for one another. Today was great day. After frantically searching the web and driving around to pick up new pieces of furniture I had a repeat of my Friday night disco jam. I washed the day off my body and had a silent naked party of one in my bedroom, admiring my glorious fro, loving on my jacked up hairline, and cuddling with my furry crew of two. I snacked on trail mix and a cheese platter comprised of creamy camembert, soft cow milk cheese (brie), plus some other cheese with dry fruits kindly given to me by my housemate B. I later found my way to the kitchen once again for an extra round of rasmalai. Oh my… I just realized just how much fucking cheese I’ve eaten in 48 hours. That’s going to cause some problems - oh my goodness… My skin is viciously going to rebel against my lifestyle and protest my excess. I’ve already started breaking out again as a result of neglecting my skin care regimen this past week. After moving, I would feel too exhausted to go through my usual steps and would just quickly rinse my face. What I ate this weekend isn’t going to help. I went crazy on dairy products and will be paying for this indulgence. Was it worth it? I think the fuck yes. Anyhow, I’m stuffed but I feel good in my heart and soul. I feel loved. I feel grounded and faithful despite the uncertainty of life. I feel alive and connected. Reflecting on my day, burning sage and chanting made for a remarkable time with self and spirit. It’s the simple things, they say. Curiosity. Attention. Consideration. Generosity. They weren’t lying… Everyday it hits me that there’s still so much I’ve got to cleanse and yet I’m so impressed with how far I’ve come. It’s much easier for me to give myself what I need. I’m getting around to knowing myself, inside and out. I know what’s for me and what’s not. I know what fuels me and what depletes me. I know and embrace the fact that, in this phase, I need to write. I need to move. I need to discover. I need to redesign. I need to source. I need to imagine. I need to feel. I need to express. I need to create. I need to acknowledge and honor my needs the best I can… And I’m doing it. That’s what healing looks like to me in and I’m so here for it. Happy to show up every single day.